Monday, May 08, 2017

Stop telling me how shit I am

I have had a hell of a few weeks.

In March I was finally made redundant more than a year after being told I was being let go. In the end I chose to go slightly earlier because I found another job working as a school librarian which is part time and badly paid and not really what I want to be doing but, despite a tricky first week, has turned out to be better than I thought it would be. I just can't do it forever.

I left my old job of 17 years on a Friday afternoon after a dismal leaving do, which my boss failed to show her face at, and started my new job the following Monday which in hindsight was probably the worst thing I could have done. I should have taken a break but instead I plowed on and now I am a bit of a wreck. I don't think, despite the year long wait, that I gave myself enough time to process what was happening. So I spent the first week of my new job putting on a grave face and then bursting into tears as soon as I walked out to the car-park. Because it is only part time I then spent most afternoons moping on the beach I moped on when I was a 17!year old or sitting in dreary cafes feeling sorry for myself. I also visited my mum and cried on her which didn't help given that she really thought that I was wrong tomtake the job in the first place. Anyway - it is better now; the teenagers are not as scary as they first seemed and I now have time to sit about in cafes drinking coffee and being slightly happier. I still worry about where I go from here, how and when will I find a job that is full time, well paid and interesting? What if I never do? I have visited my old work a couple of times and once again put on my brave face when I pop into the office and have to speak to the person who is sitting in my chair, behind my desk, doing part of my job that I loved so much.

I feel bitter and angry towards my boss and the corporation. I often wonder why it was me who was chosen; why it seemed like a good idea to someone that a woman in her 40s with a small child would be the one to choose. I like to kid myself it was a random unavoidable decision based upon business need but the masochist in me believes it was personal, planned and unfeeling. I hate my old boss with a passion and I often wish the same on her, but that would be unkind.

I am, as a result and because of other horrific shit, feeling insecure and bereft. Not only am I basically jobless and cast-off but I also seem to have attracted a shit load of people who seem determined to pick away at me, my parenting, my personality and my relationship which is adding to my feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.

First a best friend chose to pick on my parenting and tell me I needed to 'sort it out in the next couple of weeks' and then I went on holiday with my Mother-in-law. Really I only have myself to blame, I mean what kind of idiot would do that? After an uncomfortable week I ended up being summoned and yelled at by a woman who should have known better and who had drunk a little too much. Apparently I can't control my child, can't cope with him, am making my son and my husband unhappy and talk bullshit.  That was just part of it. Which of course has left me feeling like shit and second guessing all my choices and actions. It doesn't matter how much I try to tell myself I am a good parent it all goes tomshit when you have different people telling you how bad at it you are. So my self-love is at rock bottom and I seem to be crying a lot.

Then today some old witch at Beavers basically told my son he wasn't welcome to come anymore because he has problems settling in and makes a bit of a fuss about me leaving him ther. He is six. She is sixty something and should know better but it is just another sad old woman trying to domparenting old school and being completely bamboozled by a parent who actually listens to and respects their child. Who wants to be in fjcking Beavers anyway? Fuck them all.