Monday, August 27, 2012

No one ever thanks me for doing the bath routine

Although rather than this being a fault in someone else, I think the fault is with me; that I feel I have to thank people for doing things that I do all the time without expecting the reward of a thank you. Also I say 'sorry' too much. My mum picked me up on this recently when I apologised to her because she dropped a carrier bag I had given her. My logic being that it was my carrier bag, I gave it to her so therefore it must be my fault. When she barked at me 'why do you say sorry all the time, you must stop it' the first words out of my mouth were 'sorry'. Part of me, thinking about it later, wonders if perhaps the blame lies elsewhere - in my childhood? It's all very well a parent berating you for your self-flagellation but what if they are the reason for it in the first place? I had a fairly ok childhood but I can definitely remember a lot of 'sit up straight, don't do that, say sorry like you mean it'. I believe my default setting has always been say sorry for everything and put yourself down before someone else does. In school I would always get in with the insults (About myself) before someone else could, it meant I couldn't get hurt. I think, although I was accutely aware of the injustice of it, I realised very early on that the safest thing to do was admit fault (even when not at fault) and hope whatever the issue was would blow over.

I want to change this. I feel like in recent years I have been far too harsh on myself and it's about time I stood up and said 'you know what? I am actually all right me'. With all the major change I have been through in the last few years I feel like I have lost myself; I am no longer the person I was. I am very good at compartmentalising life so everything from before 2007 feels like it didn't actually happen, I have swept huge parts of my previous 12 year relationship out of my mind. I started doing this as soon as I realised I was going to leave, I think it was easier that way because I didn't have to deal with it if it wasn't there. Problem is I ended up losing a part of me too. I was so eager to please and to fit in with the new life that I started to pick on myself, to compare myself to people. I wanted to be like them regardless of the fact that I didn't even know if I liked them yet. Why do I have this stupid need to please, this desparate need to fit in, this bit of me which cares so much about what people think?

Another thing I think has changed me for ever is the stuff we went through to get pregnant. I was so worried during that whole time that I was driving my husband away that I forgot about me and what I needed. It was horrible, really horrible. Of course it is all ok now because I have our beautifully funny and gorgeous son but there is still a part of me that feels crushed.

I have decided that if I want people to think I am a nice person then I just need to be a nice person but apart from that I need to somehow get rid of this self-loathing I have and the belief that other people must loathe me too. Most of all I need to stop caring about some people liking me. Why does it matter if I don't like them much either? Sod them.

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