Friday, September 30, 2011

childcare

I am back in work and I am kind of loving it. I say kind of because I am not loving leaving B - or rather I am not loving picking him up and having to deal with the tears of relief (his) which make me feel like I have just abandoned him to hours of torture. What I do love is the time I get to myself, the fact that I can do stuff without interruption and the ability to have a conversation about something other than baby stuff. That's not to say B isn't on my mind most of the time, and on the tip of my tongue. I talk about him constantly, I have become rather boring. I also have to fake an interest in everyone elses children because that's all they seem to want to talk about (losers!) and it seems unfair for me to bang on about mine and to not at least enquire about the age/sex/personality of theirs.

The return to work did not go as planned, B got ill after his settling in and I had to endure a week of vomit, usually at night, often all over the bedding and basically a horrible soul destroying experience. Who likes being vomited on? Who likes being vomited on with the added worry that this might be the one which kills their child? Who likes being vomited on just at the point when they start to think 'oooh, he's not vomited for ages, parhaps he's better' or just after they have changed the sheets or clothes? It was horrible, he is better now but I hated it. I hate that I can't be all earth mother about this; I hate vomit, I don't handle it well and I just felt really annoyd with B for being ill. This makes me think I am a bit rubbish at being a mum and that makes me sad. I do find myself getting incredibly wound up by what I assume are really bog-standard baby related things like B not sleeping, B not wanting his nappy changed, B not eating, or B freaking out when I try to put his clothes on. I find it more stressful than my husband does.

Anyway - I am back in work, my maternity cover person has gone and from Monday I am back in the driving seat. It's like I have never been away. I just hope B settles into creche a bit better - and soon! I am going over to feed him at lunchtime and I am not sure if that makes things worse for him. He's definitely feeling better about it all but there are still tears, still upset when I go. They can't get him to sleep either but then the way they try is to strap him into a seat and jiggle him about. That wouldn't make me sleep either!

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