Friday, September 30, 2011

childcare

I am back in work and I am kind of loving it. I say kind of because I am not loving leaving B - or rather I am not loving picking him up and having to deal with the tears of relief (his) which make me feel like I have just abandoned him to hours of torture. What I do love is the time I get to myself, the fact that I can do stuff without interruption and the ability to have a conversation about something other than baby stuff. That's not to say B isn't on my mind most of the time, and on the tip of my tongue. I talk about him constantly, I have become rather boring. I also have to fake an interest in everyone elses children because that's all they seem to want to talk about (losers!) and it seems unfair for me to bang on about mine and to not at least enquire about the age/sex/personality of theirs.

The return to work did not go as planned, B got ill after his settling in and I had to endure a week of vomit, usually at night, often all over the bedding and basically a horrible soul destroying experience. Who likes being vomited on? Who likes being vomited on with the added worry that this might be the one which kills their child? Who likes being vomited on just at the point when they start to think 'oooh, he's not vomited for ages, parhaps he's better' or just after they have changed the sheets or clothes? It was horrible, he is better now but I hated it. I hate that I can't be all earth mother about this; I hate vomit, I don't handle it well and I just felt really annoyd with B for being ill. This makes me think I am a bit rubbish at being a mum and that makes me sad. I do find myself getting incredibly wound up by what I assume are really bog-standard baby related things like B not sleeping, B not wanting his nappy changed, B not eating, or B freaking out when I try to put his clothes on. I find it more stressful than my husband does.

Anyway - I am back in work, my maternity cover person has gone and from Monday I am back in the driving seat. It's like I have never been away. I just hope B settles into creche a bit better - and soon! I am going over to feed him at lunchtime and I am not sure if that makes things worse for him. He's definitely feeling better about it all but there are still tears, still upset when I go. They can't get him to sleep either but then the way they try is to strap him into a seat and jiggle him about. That wouldn't make me sleep either!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Seven sleeps to go...

Or times that by ten to account for the times I will be woken by B (teething), the neighbour (wailing like a banshee along with Muse), snoring (Husband) or the people who moved in across the roads (general Chav behaviour + extra added dogs). For simplicity's sake let's just say seven sleeps to go until I am back in work. This is not as bad as it sounds because I have lots of holiday to use up so can do lots of half days plus I am looking forward to the break! What I mean is I am a bit tired of being the 24/7 baby entertaining machine and it's going to be nice for someone else to take the strain.

Mind You, I am scared about B going into the creche. I am lucky because it's a 2 minute walk from work, I can go and breastfeed if I want and it's highly thought of and subsidised. However I hate the idea that for something like 43 hours a week B will be separated from me and I will only see him for a short while in the morning and evening. How the hell will I adjust to being back at work, or more to the point how the hell am I going to ajust to not haing a snooze at 11am and 3pm?

I took him in to the creche today to start his settling in with a very gentle one hour with the other babies and me. On Thursday we leap forward to 2 hours with the other babies and without me. I say babies, all I could see were six foot marauding child beasts who wanted to touch his face and perhaps more sadly seemed to all want to play with me - the obvious 'mummy'in the room. I saw babies pressed up against the door crying, babies sitting on the floor playing peek-a-boo with themselves and jammed into bumbos. I am sure I was just looking for the bad and that there was plenty of good going on but it made me sad all the same. I want to work, I am looking forward to it but I really do need to win the lottery this weekend so I can stay at home and continue to have a life. It seems I am stuck between working and having a bit of money and a bit of life or becoming a stay at home mum who only has a child centred life and no money to fund it. So off to work I will go.

How have I been preparing? Well I have spent the last few weeks decluttering, car booting and basicaly attempting to run a tight ship or at least get myself to a point where I can think about it. My plan is that I will have clothes ironed and laid out for me and B, food made for lunches and then a stress free morning should follow. To do this I need clear decks and so this is why I have thrown away most of my clothes, some of my books (gasp) and a lot of my clutter. It makes sense but it's slow work as I can only really throw stuff about when B is at my mum's on a Wednesday. Talking of that, it's been going much better and he's been going there from 9am to 4 or 5 for a few weeks now.

What other news. My sister is still pregnant and we are getting new windows. Husband has started his new job and excercising every lunchbreak - perhaps my dream of him losing weight and stopping the snoring is not so unlikely after all.