Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Life can throw some real s**t sometimes

My sister's pregnancy is no longer viable. I am utterly and completely gutted. She had a scan a couple of weeks ago and saw a heartbeat at about 8 weeks. There was one small question mark which worried her in that the baby was measuring a teeny bit smaller than she thought it should be so rather than wait for her 12 weeks scan she decided to book a private scan for tonight. I completely forgot about this so when she called it took me a couple of seconds to register the reason for the call. She was calling to tell me that there is no longer a heartbeat and that the baby seems to have stopped growing at eight and a half weeks. In that moment I failed completely to be able to give her any support whatsoever. Having had a similar thing happen myself (missed miscarriage) and then have to go on to IVF and finally a successful pregnancy I knew immediately that there was nothing I could say to help, nothing which would change the fact that this baby she wanted so much will never be born. Nothing I can say to drag her out of the misery she will be feeling nor to take away the fact that I will, all being well, be giving birth to my own very much wanted child within the next month and a half and she will have to survive becoming an aunt while at the same time dealing with her own grief. On top of that, for a brief moment, I felt my heart sink in a completely selfish way as I wondered 'how on earth can I enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and the birth of my first child when I know it will cause my sister so much pain?'.

My sister has been pregnant twice in 6 months and is now going to have to go through her second miscarriage. It is no good anyone trying to console her by telling her how lucky she is to get pregnant twice in six months and so quickly at the age of 42, no good anyone telling her 'it will happen one day' and no good anyone saying they know how she feels 'because it happened to me too'. All that will matter to her is that she has now miscarried twice and she will be worrying that it is never going to happen and that everyone else will get pregnant but her. I know because I have been there, but because I have been there doesn't mean I can offer any words of wisdom. My being pregnant just makes it all worse.

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