Sunday, November 21, 2010

sitting in a parked car

So I just spent 45 minutes sitting in the car right outside the house wishing I could just drive away and de-stress. my husband and I have had a major disagreement over me not wanting to call anyone when I go into labour - or more to the point not wanting him to call his mum when I go into labour. Perhaps we just have very different expectations and beliefs about what is important when it comes to family? I don't think that there is any reason for anyone to be informed that I have gone into labour, infact I can't see why it is in any way important that they know. It is really important to me that I get space and privacy and so I have requested that we don't tell anyone, not even my mum. For some reason my husband thinks, to quote him, 'it's the normal thing to do'. I think he watches too much TV, where women give birth on their backs and it only takes half an hour while extended family pace up and down outside. I don't think he realises that a lot of the labour process will happen at home and may take a long time. I don't think that he understands that my feelings and my anxieties are what are most important. I don't care if it's what he thinks is normal, or if it's what his mum expects - my feelings should be considered first surely?

leaving work

 I am now officially off work until next September! My Maternity leave doesn't kick in until December but I have 2 weeks holiday and yesterday had a lovely lie in. Probably it won't hit home until Monday when I realise I can stay in bed and have a lie-in. I intend to get started on the spare room and sort the house out. In reality the baby could come any time as I am now 37 weeks but I hope it hangs on for a couple more.

My sister has been having a rotten time. Her ERPC didn't work and the doctor who did it failed to tell anyone, she ended up getting very ill in hospital which is when they found out he only removed 5ml of blood and the foetus was still intact and in her womb! So on in the week they decided on medical management and she was in hospital all day waiting for the foetus to come out. She was in a lot of pain (said to me she had no idea how I managed it without gas and air!) but still by Friday evening nothing had come out apart from a lot of clots and blood. So today she is having another ERPC with a different doctor. I feel so bad for her. Me and mum went to see her at home during the week and she seems ok but I know just what it's like to have to deal with family and people with big pregnant bellies when you're going through the loss of a much wanted baby. I really hope today's procedure works and that she can start trying again when she's ready.

My last week at work was extremely boring and just really hard work. My usual work mate was off and I had my replacement in the office with me so had to train her whilst doing enquiries and answering questions. I am not going to worry about it now I am off .  Part of the difficulty with the last week was that it was so quiet and so very difficult to really train her in anything useful. Without real enquiries it was quite hard to demonstrate all parts of the job.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Last week in work

We had our last NCT class today. At the end the leader said we would all meet up for a reunion some time in late February but that most classes arrange a meet up between themselves before our due dates. I feel lilke I didn't gel with anyone really and so feel slightly worried that I will not be a part of the group for long. I am probably being stupid but you know me, I just don't fit in. The class itself was ok, we did a lot about the effects of the birth and the first six weeks afterwards though the one thing I didn't like was the class being split once again into gender groups. I think D should be involved in conversations about Lochia and stitches, how else is he supposed to really understand what it might be like for me after the birth?

Tomorrow I start the training of my replacement and I am really not looking forward to it. I am going to find it so hard and so tiring and then I am going to come home and find D surrounded by sweet wrappers and playing call of duty. I would much prefer it if I came home to find he had made me dinner but I am guessing the chances of that are minimal.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Facebook - the Devil's work?

So after today I have one week left in work. Technically speaking my replacement starts her job on Monday, though we are using that week as a hand-over and training week. The other person in the library is off on a weeks holiday so ages ago I asked that our usual cover person be here so that I can get on with the training. However yesterday he called me saying he might need to just be on a stand-by basis as he has a big job to do which he can't put of. Fair enough, these things happen. Though I wonder about the sense in getting a 37 week pregnant woman to train someone and work at the same time? I mailed my boss to let her know what had happened and you know what her response was?... just 'ok'. no offer of another person to cover, no view that maybe all of the above is not that good an idea. Ah well, at least she is consistant.

This last week has been a bit frustrating, it's got to the point now where I just don't care and I want to just get the next week over with and start my maternity leave with no worries. I am feeling pretty tired truth be told; I just can't wait to leave!

My sister has another scan on Monday to double check there is no heartbeat then make a decision on what to do. As it's a missed miscarriage like mine she has the choice between a medical or surgical miscarriage or waiting for it to happen naturally. At first she was thinking of the medical (pills) route which is what I chose, but now I think she has decided on the surgical option as it's done while you are under general anaesthetic and deals with the problem fairly quickly. I guess like her I am clinging on to hope that the first scan was wrong and there will be a heartbeat on Monday but from my own experience I know it's unlikely. Though - the private clinic where she had the scan at 10 weeks seems to have given her some cnflictin information. Apparently when the scan first started off the woman doing it said she thought my sister was measuring small. Then when my sister looked at the paperwork the size of the foetus tallied correctly with her dates - so what was that all about? They seemed to be saying the baby stopped developing a week and a half ago but then gave measurements which show it continued to grow to the size of a 10 week foetus. Hopefully the scan on Monday will give her some reassurance.

She has dealt with this in a different way to me, despite us both very much wanting the pregnancies, and has created a memory box for the baby. I just flushed mine down the loo and kept no momentos because that's just th way I am. My sister has a different way of dealing with stuff and I hope it is helping her. She has definitely been able to move on from thinking she never wants to try again to accepting that two miscarriages doesn't always mean it will happen again. I really do hope that she is able to start thinking about a future with babies rather than giving up.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Life can throw some real s**t sometimes

My sister's pregnancy is no longer viable. I am utterly and completely gutted. She had a scan a couple of weeks ago and saw a heartbeat at about 8 weeks. There was one small question mark which worried her in that the baby was measuring a teeny bit smaller than she thought it should be so rather than wait for her 12 weeks scan she decided to book a private scan for tonight. I completely forgot about this so when she called it took me a couple of seconds to register the reason for the call. She was calling to tell me that there is no longer a heartbeat and that the baby seems to have stopped growing at eight and a half weeks. In that moment I failed completely to be able to give her any support whatsoever. Having had a similar thing happen myself (missed miscarriage) and then have to go on to IVF and finally a successful pregnancy I knew immediately that there was nothing I could say to help, nothing which would change the fact that this baby she wanted so much will never be born. Nothing I can say to drag her out of the misery she will be feeling nor to take away the fact that I will, all being well, be giving birth to my own very much wanted child within the next month and a half and she will have to survive becoming an aunt while at the same time dealing with her own grief. On top of that, for a brief moment, I felt my heart sink in a completely selfish way as I wondered 'how on earth can I enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and the birth of my first child when I know it will cause my sister so much pain?'.

My sister has been pregnant twice in 6 months and is now going to have to go through her second miscarriage. It is no good anyone trying to console her by telling her how lucky she is to get pregnant twice in six months and so quickly at the age of 42, no good anyone telling her 'it will happen one day' and no good anyone saying they know how she feels 'because it happened to me too'. All that will matter to her is that she has now miscarried twice and she will be worrying that it is never going to happen and that everyone else will get pregnant but her. I know because I have been there, but because I have been there doesn't mean I can offer any words of wisdom. My being pregnant just makes it all worse.

Friday, November 05, 2010

'Mother of many' Short animation



D and I went to our first NCT Ante-Natal class on Wednesday evening. The overall experience was a good and positive one and I think D really did enjoy himself, he certainly cracked a few gags and bonded well with the blokes. I was so excited about going I almost choked myself to death in the car eating an egg mayonaise roll before going in. There are seven couples in total all I would say in their early to mid thirties; I am pretty sure that I am one of the oldest there though no one asked. For some reason I can remember all the names of the blokes but only a couple of the women. We started by introducing ourselves with the men giving their name and the due date and the women their name and where they hope to give birth. Most people are due around Christmas time like me though there's one person due in January and another who may be induced early. We then split into two groups, male and female, and had to write down what we expected to get out of the course. I was quite surprised as it seemed to me that the majority of the other women didn't really seem to have a clue about their options or the kind of birth they wanted. For a moment I thought perhaps I was the only one who had done any reading as everyone else was a bit 'oh well I have tried not to think about all that'. Turns out that most of them were just holding back and the reality is that most of us do have some idea of what we will be comfortable with.

Everyone wants to breastfeed. I wonder if there's anything out there on the statistics RE NCT members breastfeeding. Would be useful to know. We (the women) talked about episiotomies, water births, pain relief and breastfeeding while the blokes talked about 'not killing the baby' and 'when will she be able to drink again'. When we mentioned the choice between being cut or tearing the groupl leader said we would talk about it probably when the men were out of the room 'having coffee' at which point several of us said we would prefer to talk about it with the men there as we felt it was really important that they know what might happen in labour. The Leader's attitude was a bit confusing to be honest. The whole point of the writing things down on a list was that no one person could be identified as having a particular problem but that the group could talk about it all together. I hope that the men aren't excluded as that hardly seems to make sense.

Our next excercise was to split again into gender groups and the men had to write down their idea of a perfect romantic night at home and the women their idea of a perfect birth. It was to show how similar the two are; how women want low lighting, calm and peace during labour. It was quite a useful thing to do really.

So to the people... the couples all seem nice enough. All the couples were lovely. They all live quite far away from me though (on the other side of town) so not sure how this is going to work out as an excercise in making friends. Most seem to be typically middle class and I did laugh inside when two of them started talking about a handbag one had brought with her and how her husband had surprised her with it and then bought the matching purse for her too. There was also a bit of chatter about 'push presents'  which is something I have never wanted or expected. I always thought the present you both get after labour is ... erm, a baby?

In contrast the leader of the group was definitely not one of these well put together women, seemed quite a lot more down to earth and stuck out even more than I did. When we left D was able to tell me lots of things about the couples, like only one couple knows what they are having, what all the blokes did for a living and so on. None of us women vollunteered this information so maybe it will take a while for us all to get to know eachother - infact maybe we do need a bit more direction in this so I hope the course leader gets us all to chat a bit more. Or maybe I need to chat a bit more rather than leave it up to D.

The last part of the evening was all about hormones in birth and how they fight eachother. We then did a relaxation excercise which meant the lights being turned off and lots of giggling. It was fun, D enjoyed it and I feel happy that he will learn a lot from the whole thing. next session in Sunday from 10 - 4 (!). I had thought that we might all go out to grab some lunch or something but she's asked us to bring a packed lunch. Ah well. We'll be doing stuff about labour I think.

Just 2 weeks left in work now and I haven't spoken to my boss for at least 3 weeks. It's getting up my nose so yesterday I sent her an email suggesting we meet up wlong with my current work mate and the woman who is taking over. Specially as my boss missed a meeting with me yesterday and failed to even mention that she wouldn't be there. I still haven't heard back from her so I feel incredibly ignored and undervalued. I've been working so hard to get the training for the new person sorted and in the last week my usual workmate will be on holiday so I will have to be doing my job and sorting out the new person - a little bit of input from my boss would be appreciated to be honest.

Pregnancy wise I feel fine, a little less mobile and am finding bending really uncomfortable but generally I am ok. Still getting some sleep and my ankle only swells up occasionally. I was a bit worried at the weekend as the selling pain went all the way up my leg, but keeping it elevated and walking seems to help it. We were invited to go out with BIL and his wife at the weekend and they did badger us a bit by text when we decided not to go but perhaps when SIL is as pregnant as me she will understand that sometimes all you want to do is stay at home.

I tried to do some tidying up last-night and found it quite exhausting; bending down makes my heartburn worse and I had to sit down regularly for a rest! At least I will have a couple of weeks to get things done slowly if I suddenly start nesting. I need to do a list because there is so much to do, including cooking and freezing some meals. I have started hoping that the baby comes a week early so at least that way I will get some time alone with just D and the baby.