Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Turning tables

It seems I am in the unenviable position of being surrounded by people who are desperate to conceive. The tables are turned. Instead of being the one who is being eaten up by my failure here I am at almost 23 weeks, happily pregnant and loving it. I wake up every morning and remember I am pregnant and despite the creeping disrupted sleep and the expanding girth I feel happier than I have for ages. Meanwhile my sister is mailing me daily with updates on her EWCM and SIL (my huaband's brother's wife) has been trying for 8+ years and we think is going through IVF right now.

While I am so sympathetic to all of them, as I know what it's like I don't really want to know about how often people are having sex or when they are experiencing a mucus cascade. On top of that, knowing what I do about how easy it is to get sucked into the whole 'I must have a baby' thing, I fear for them going from naught to full on in a matter of weeks. Naturally my sister's miscarriage has made her realise how much she really does want a child and I have been giving as much information as I possibly can but I feel pretty useless as I know that I can't make her get pregnant. I would hate to think she is turning into me, only having sex when there's a chance of a baby and then feeling totally not up for it the rest of the time.  She has told me of times she has cried over it and it makes me feel so sad.

Was I like that? I don't really remember. I know that I was in tears a few times at my mum's house or on the phone but I didn't ring my sister daily. Perhaps I have forgotten it all because it is so easy to do so once you manage to get pregnant and stay pregnant. Maybe I need to be more sympathetic, particularly as I know what it is like. Thing is I know there is nothing I can say or do that will help apart from to pass on the information I have from my own attempts to conceive naturally.

I probably won't have another child after this one, it won't be biologically possible, but I am really grateful for the one I am going to have. Maybe it is easier for me to accept that because of the struggle I had to get pregnant in the first place and because age is most definitely against me and I have accepted that. Perhaps I am too hard on people who struggle to have a second child but still a part of me shouts out 'at least you have one and you had that one without any trouble at all'.

Last I knew my sil was having IVF towards the end of last month but that was mostly hearsay. I wouldn't expect her to tell me about it as I know she wants to do it all privately. I don't blame her, I wish I had! I just hope that she is successful. I really do hope that they have some happy news because I can't even begin to know what it must be like to be trying for 8 plus years.

We picked up a moses basket and stand yesterday, another not completely essential thing. I won it on e-bay for £12.50 and want it because though Barry is making us a swinging crib we will need something  for downstairs. It's lovely and will certainly sell on - though I could freecycle it once the baby has outgrown it. So another thing for my baby stash which now consists of most of the things we will need in the first few days. All I really need now is re-usable nappies though my husband says he's not keen. I personally don't want to be contributing majorly to land-fill and so re-usables will suit me better ideologically. I will buy them in dribs and drabs over the next few months I think but we will use disposables for the first few weeks while we get to grips with the baby's bits.

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