I have been wanting to blog for ages but knew I might get upset if I did. Our Nuchal scan gave us a 1:80 chance of Downs. This is only about 1.24% and there's a 98% chance the baby doesn't have downs but we have decided to have an Amnio because I need to know for sure. I can't have it until I am 16 weeks pregnant so have booked in for just after we get back from Glastonbury. It's all so scary. My risk when I walked in was 1:77 because of my age and it went up to 1:65 after they did the scan which showed a nuchal measurement of 2.4mm.
Now 2.4 isn't awful because they say anything up to 3 is ok but because of the crown to rump length of the baby they say it's not good. My bloods actually put the risk down to 1:100 but then when they combined the three it came out at 1:80. I cried and cried afterwards and thought a lot, maybe too much, about how I am going to be if we find out it is Downs and I terminate the pregnancy. At first I wasn't even sure if I wanted to have the Amnio because the fear of the result is so great I just didn't know if I couls bear it. In the end I went to speak to my very good friend Lis who had an Amnio with her youngest and also had quite high risks with all three of her kids. She is a special needs teacher so knows how tough it is to have a child with learning difficulties. Lis basically said to me that I musn't let other people effect my decision as it is me who will have to deal with a child with special needs and not them. The reality is I do not want to leave an adult with Downs Syndrome in the world when I die.
So the plan is not to stress about the Amnio and just enjoy Glastonbury. I do know that the man doing the Amnio has a very low miscarriage rate, though it's not miscarriage which scares me it's having to terminate such a wanted pregnancy. It would be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I just hope that everything is ok. Basically my age is so against me and yet women all over the world have babies who are fine over the age of 40.
I am worried about feeling crowded just after I give birth and when I am trying to learn how to breastfeed, when really what I want is a couple of days after the birth to just learn about our baby and have time alone with my husband. Breastfeeding really worries me. We are going to have to lay down some ground rules but I know they won't go down well. I have talked about it a bit with my husband but not made too much of a fuss yet as I don't want us to be having rows about something which hasn't happened yet and is so far away. I don't want to seem mean either but I don't do well in situations like this.
When I go into labour I don't want D to call anyone to tell them, I want to go to the hospital with him and not let anyone know. I want to tell people after the baby is here. Then if I get kept in hospital I am fine with people coming to visit me as it means they will be somewhat restricted by the visiting times. At these visits I want to tell people that D and I now want a couple of days on our own with out baby and so don't want any visitors. I have read that day 3 - 4 can be a difficult time after the birth of a child and so I want people to keep away until after then. Then I am happy for people to visit but only if they arrange it first with me and D and don't overstay their welcome. People will have to be gone by the evening and no one can stay overnight.
I hve no way of knowing what my birth will be like or how easy I will find it to establish breastfeeding. it may all go really well but I still want to have that time alone as a family without people assuming they can call in without notice. People have said to me that it will be useful to have his mum or my mum there because they can do the ironing or the housework. To which I reply, what ironing? What housework? That is not how my life works and even if it was it would be D who would pick up on those things not my MIL or my Mum.