Thursday, May 27, 2010


So today I enter my 12th week of pregnancy. I have been feeling a little unwell when I wake up in the mornings for the last week and am hoping that it doesn't develop into full blown morning sickness. It's a bit like sea-sickness and soon passes. I am also feeling quite tired but not at night, just in the morning. it may be the change of weather (it's been glorious) or perhaps because I get up in the middle of the night for a pee I am just having broken sleep.

A Midwife finally got in touch. Not my midwife but a nice sounding woman who tells me another midwife, who is also not my midwife, will come and do the booking appointment next Thursday. I will be 12 weeks by then. So we have decided to book a private nuchal scan and blood tests for as soon after that as we can. It costs £180 (!) and it's a pain that we can't just go and get it done on the NHS even with me being 40, but needs must.

I had a hissy hormonal crying fit the other day as one of the bathroom taps was dripping - or rather pissing water - and I bought new taps but then couldn't find out where to turn off the water. We eventually found it but not before I ended up in a heap sobbng on the kitchen floor surrounded by the stuff we had pulled out of the cupboards in our attempts to find the tap. It's all sorted now though and we have 2 new gorgeous taps.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Ante-Natal testing

I am just so confused and a little upset. A really good friend of mine popped in today with her baby boy. I'd left out the maternity pack the GP gave me and as soon as my friend saw the ante-natal tests booklet she said 'Oh, just throw that out straight away'. A little astounded I told her that I was hoping to have the tests they offer and that I was feeling a little scared about it all. Her response was to start telling me how if she was told she was having a Downs syndrome baby she would keep it and that a friend of hers had recently given birth to a child with Downs Syndrome and so on... I'm afraid I then told her that if I do have the tests and I do find out for sure that we are having a child with Downs Syndrom then I would seriously consider terminating the pregnancy.

Everything was a little awkward after that, not least because of the shocked face she pulled. I realise now that sometimes the hardest decisions shouldn't be shared with your best friends. I had a similar response on a thread I started on mumsnet asking about the tests available to me. Someone there laboured the point that this 'might be your only chance to have a child' and that because I had conceived using IVF the decision would be harder. My opinion is that the decision is never easy but the way I feel about bringing up a child with Downs Syndrome doesn't really fluctuate even though this pregnancy was hard to achieve.

Am I a bad person? Should I keep these things to myself in future? I hadn't realised that there were so many people out there who disagreed even with the ante-natal testing, I certainly didn't realise that someone so close to me would be so against them. Though I think the fact that she has a healthy child probably makes it easier for her to judge other people; she hasn't had to make that difficult decision and she has a 'perfect' child. My feelings are that I am 40 years old, if I bring a child into the world with a disability like this it will be an only child and I will die before they do. I feel like my friend has judged me, that she has stepped a little out of line by telling me what I should do without even asking me anything about how I feel.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Scan happiness

It was all ok.
measured 9 weeks exactly.

My Sister's hCG has risen slightly so they finally did a scan. Not ectopic, not anything which looks like a viable baby. Poor thing. All she can do is wait.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Scan anxiety

My sister's hCG went up again, slightly. It might be that she has retained some of the 'product' or just that her body is messed up a bit. Certainly isn't likely to be viable as the rise is very small. She seems a lot better but I know she wants this to be over with. They have promised her a scan so hopefully she will get that soon. I wish she would stop smoking. I know I am a fine one to talk, it took me so long to finally give up, but when I speak to her on the phone she tells me all about how her healthy eating plan is going and how much better she feels and the whole time I can hear that she has a fag in her mouth. I know that it's hard but stopping smoking was so good for me and my fertility.

I have a scan on Wednesday and so of course I am getting paranoid that there will be nothing there. I will be 9 weeks and I still have no symptoms except I am having to get up and pee a couple of times a night and my boobs still have lots of veins. Please let it still be there. I have been so much more chilled about it all since the last scan but now the worry is creeping back in.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Sad for my sister

Turns out that my sister has miscarried and I fel so bad for her and so annoyed at her GP. I should have kept in mind that the average GP doesn't specilise in fertility and quite often they are talking out of their arses. She is really very upset, of course. She went from believing she was having a miscarriage, and actually dealing with it in a very 'well at least I know I can get pregnant' way, to hoping that there was a chance she could still be pregnant, to being told the pregnancy was progressing and then being told that her hormones had dropped. We had both got excited about the prospect of being pregnant together, being on maternity leave at the same time and raising our kids to be really close and then it all got smashed to pieces. I felt so bad for getting so excited because I felt I had been partly responsible for her hope. It's also reminded me that while I may be pregnant now I mustn't forget what it is like for other people who are still trying.

I would really hate for someone I love to go through what I have been through, to feel the same emotions I felt about other people being pregnant and about my body's inability to do what other people seemed to find so natureal. Or to go through the worry that my partner might leave me or that our sex life might be ruined for ever. I now wonder if I am in the same position my SIL was in that I am pregnant and my sister is not. Even though it took me a long time to get to this point I am still lucky because I did when thousands just don't.

I have a scan next week - I will be 9 weeks. This last week has been a lot less stressful than the ones leading up to my last scan but lately I have been thinking 'am I still pregnant'. I just hope that we have a good outcome on Wednesday because I have read that if you see a heartbeat at 9 weeks then the chance of miscarrying falls to about 2%. I have to see my GP the day after to arrange for a midwife to come round for the booking appointment. I've left it so late because I wanted to make sure everything was ok with the baby before I started thinking of midwives etc. Hopefully they will get one out to me soon as I think most people would have had their booking appointment by 9 weeks.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Stpid bloody GPs

I have a horrible feeling my sister has been told something which isn't true. She called me earlier to say that the doctor has siad the hCG level has risen from 24 last Thursday to 64 on Tuesday. That's a rise of 40 in 5 days but it should be doubling every 2 - 3 days and to my mind it just doesn't work out. She has been told to go to hospital for a scan. Her dates put her at about 6 weeks so maybe they will see something, and I really hope they do, but I am wondering if her doctor really knows what he is talking about.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

My sister's pregnancy is progressing!

OMG! this is most probably the best news I have heard since I found that the IVF worked for me. My sister has had a call from the nurse at her practice who says the doctor has marked her second blood test with 'the pregnancy is progressing'. That is all she can tell her and my sister has to call the doctor tomorrow so she can find out the figures but all indications are that her hCG must have doubled as it is supposed to. The second test was done yesterday. She says the 'period' she had was not like a normal period but it was quite clotty. I wonder if perhaps she was carrying twins or if she is just one of those people who have bleeding in their pregnancy. This is such great news. She will be due 2 - 3 weeks after me and we will be on maternity leave together.