Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dolly Parton?

Well, symptoms or no symptoms, yesterday I looked like Dolly parton in just about every dress I own. I was trying to find something to wear to work I could rely on jeans the whole time but I am a bit fed up of trying to cover up. I thought I had found the perfect thing but my breasts are so prominent and the blue veins so visible it seems that I will only get away with something which goes right up to my chin!

I went to see mum over the weekend and managed to talk about my pregnancy almost as if I really believed it might be viable. I guess I have to be positive some time. We actually talked about the birth. I quite fancy a home birth but wonder if I am that brave.

However, today I feel like surely it is all over. Still no sickness and my breasts don't feel as large. I am assuming that when I get to the scan they will tell me again that I have had a missed miscarriage and that I will then have to start the whole painful process of second scans, abortion pills and pitying looks. I don't want to go down the medical miscarriage route again but nor do I want surgical so what would I do. My only choice would be to come off the pessaries, which I strongly believe are just keeping me falsely pregnant, and wait to miscarry naturally. I will be back to square one. Maybe I am just at a default setting of 'it can't have worked' because that way I won't be so upset when they tell me at the scan but I still know that I can't properly prepare myself for the devastation I will feel.

I should try to be positive, after all they used the best embryos they had, my body (Diet) was the best it could have been, D cleaned up his act in preparation, my hCG was high the day they tested. Why should it go wrong? Yet it did last time - that's why.

this thread on Mumsnet has scared me shitless.

General feeling of not being pregnant - check
Abdominal pain at 5 weeks - Check.

Yet There is still that high hCG test level, though I have read that can happen! grrrrr

No comments: