Sunday, April 11, 2010

Burning the candle

I really should be in bed asleep. This has been a long day, so long that it is infact a new day. I am exhausted but elated; hopeful yet cautious. I am pregnant again and it doesn't seem real because I don't think I can let myself think it is real... at least not yet.

I woke up at stupid o-clock, the birds were singing and it was dark so I guess dawn was breaking. I really felt that my bladder was just not full enough to even think about testing so I lay there for ages trying to get the courage up to test. I had managed to wait until my official test date, 16 days after the egg transfer, and still I didn't have faith that it had worked. Though to be fair I had started to hope a little in the two days before which was good compared to the depression I had sunk into on Wednesday. I think being back in work was good for me. So about 7.30 I decided to reluctantly drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I told D and then grabbed a wine glass from the kitchen. Why a wine glass I don't know but I didn't want to do the usual pissing directly onto the stick because I still didn't think I had enough urine to do it for the whole 5 seconds. As it happened I filled the whole glass and then some. less than 30 seconds later there it was - my BFP! I just calmly walked back to the bedroom holding the test and grinned from ear to ear. That was it. All done, not what I expected and clear as day.

Like last time it is a strong positive. Unlike last time I can't allow myself to celebrate. Well, that's not totally true, I am over the moon and I am making plans but still in the back of my mind is the 'if the baby is viable' thing. Every conversation I have had today has ended with 'if the baby is viable' and 'as long as it sticks'. Tomorrow will be 5 weeks from the first day of my last period. I am not sure if that makes me five weeks pregnant or not. Is it the same for IVF?

D and I have a bit of an issue with Glastonbury. I want to go still, he thinks we shouldn't. I think we have reached a compromise which is to get a campervan and do it that way but if the campervan tickets sell out then I think we will have another battle on our hands as he really isn't keen on me camping. I get it and I don't get it. Last time I was pregnant I would have been 10 weeks pregnant at the festival had it been viable. He had no concerns at all. Of course, I then miscarried and so I guess that experience has made him wary. Though if my memory doesn't fail me I do seem to remember he went off on his stag do the day after we were told there was no heartbeat but ho hum! My point is that if I miscarry then it's not going to be Glastonbury's fault; it will be my stupid body's fault and if my stupid body can't hold on to a baby then that's just my stupid stupid body. D's point of view is that the window of risk is much bigger at Glastonbury. I don't understand it. Being pregnant puts me more at risk? So therefore surely I am more at risk wherever I am? It's not like I will be stage-diving or bungee jumping. I think I have managed to persuade him but most of today he's been in a right sulk, I think because he thinks I am dismissing his concerns. If the baby is viable I will be about 16 weeks. we will have had the tests to check nothng is wrong and hopefully I will be in that glowing energetic phase that I have read about.

Anyway - I am supposed to be in bed. My sister is here, she turned up with the new boyfriend pissed (She was, he was driving) having just been sick in a bag in the car. So we have given her a bowl, a glass of water and a bed. I should go to bed too. I am hoping for morning sickness as it will make me feel pregnant and I didn't get any last time.

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