Friday, April 30, 2010

...and a little about me

I went to see my friend R today, she has a 7 month old baby boy and when I was pregnant last year I was just 3 months behind her. We had both been really excited that our kids would be so close in age but sadly it wasn't to be. I love R, she's one of my two very best friends. We met by chance outside St. Davids hall in Cardiff back in the day when we used to just sit about in the sun on a weekend. We bonded over a guy, we both loved him but she got a date with him and was wonderfully mature enough to come and tell me when all our mutual friends told her to keep it a secret. Their relationship was short-lived and he turned out to be a tosser; we've been friends ever since.

She is really excited about my pregnancy and when I was going through my meltdown about it being another miscarriage she tried to keep me sane and never gave up hope. She was the first person I told about seeing the heartbeat. So I spent the day with her and her son and allowed myself to get a little bit excited about having a baby. We went shopping in the Charity shops and I had to resist picking up bits of baby stuff. It frustrates me to see stuff but feel that it's too early to start buying. I won't be getting everything new and plan to use a combination of charity shops, Freecycle, ebay and hand-me-downs. People in work sell things all the time, but I just can't buy anything yet. I think I will wait until 12 weeks before I do though there is a temptation to go a bit mad after the 9 week scan. R has said she can give me a few things and also that she will kill me if I don't use a proper cloth sling! She is very much into what they call 'baby wearing' and says the new ones, the modern carriers, are really bad for a baby's hips. To be honest I wasn't thinking of using the cloth ones as they seem so complicated but she has talked me round. She also said she will support me through breastfeeding. I know she had a tough time because her baby had tongue-tie so it will be good to have someone to teach me what they have learned.

On the way home I stopped off in Tesco and bought a couple of bigger sports bras. I also got myself a bigger underwired one, though R warned me that under-wires are bad. Not sure I agree, I have read lots of different stuff on the internet. Anyway - it fits me so much better than any of my old bras and so I have obviously gone up a size if not a cup. I need to look into all these things I know nothing about like nursing bras. I have so much to learn.

Not all about me me me...

Have I mentioned my sister before? She is 42 and last year she left her husband. He was an OK guy, or at least I always got on very well with him but he wasn't right for her. They had been together 15 years and married for 3 but he had long term depression, infact was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder, and had become more and more dependant on my sister as the years went by. He didn't work, he didn't contribute much, he was apparently quite aggressive at times. This is something which only became apparent after they split, though my sister had confided in me a few times about his angry behaviour. Anyway - she is better off without him and has now got together with a guy who is someone we knew as kids. New guy is nice.
So... my sister confided in me that the whole time she was with her ex she felt like he was denying her the chance to have children of her own. He has 2 children - a son he never sees and has not seen since birth and a daughter who is now 18 and very close to my sister, even now. My sister was instrumental in keeping her step-daughter in her ex's life. Still - she felt like she couldn't bring a child of her own into their relationship and I know it's been a big regret of hers. Since she got together with new man she has talked to me about trying for kids. I know she is very aware that her age is against her and my troubles can't have given her much confidence in her own fertility but they have been to the doctor and had the tests and so far all looks ok.

I rang her today. I was feeling pissed off with D because he's planned a stupid Call of Duty game with his internet mates and I didn't fancy being confined to the bedroom while he twatted about downstairs so wanted to know if I could go over to hers and maybe stay the night. When I called her back to say I wouldn't be coming after all (D and I had sorted it out and I prefer to sleep in my own bed to be honest) for some reason I said wouldn't it be great if she got pregnant too and asked if she was still trying. The reply that came made me very sad.

She told me that she wasn't going to tell me until I got through the 12 week stage but she is actually miscarrying right now. I feel so terribly sad for her but she is being quite pragmatic. She hasn't been trying long, she only found out a few days ago and then started bleeding lightly the day after she tested. She was only about 4 - 5 weeks pregnant. The doctor has done a blood test and says her hormones are very low which means she's either only very recently pregnant or she is miscarrying. Apparently the bleeding is heavier now than it was before and so she is resigned to the fact that it is a miscarriage. They are doing another blood test on Tuesday (it's a bank holiday here hence the long wait between blood tests) and then she will know but I think she is pretty much certain it is a miscarriage. New man is very upset, she is the one holding it together.

Knowing what I do about long term TTC I really didn't want to come out with the usual 'well at least you know you can get pregnant' crap but infact it was she who said it and she's looking at it quite positively. She knows that there is a chance that she will be able to get pregnant again and is thankfully now going to start taking more care of herself. She started smoking again when she split with the ex and has tried several times to give up without success. She is also in the first flush of new love which tends to mean more socialising, more drinking, take-aways and general unhealthy behaviour. So she has decided to make a real effort to stop all that in an attempt to get pregnant again. I really hope that she does.

It would have been so so nice to have my sister just 3 weeks behind me and so with a bit of luck perhaps she can be just a couple of months behind me soon.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Heartbeat

We saw a heartbeat! I am so massively relieved. Our scan was at 8.45am and I had convinced myself that it had all gone wrong and we would be told really bad news. I explained this to the woman doing the scan and she said that I mustn't worry if she didn't say anything immediately, that it didn't mean anything was wrong but she would need a minute or two to take measurements etc. As it was she immediately turned the screen towards me and showed the heartbeat. It's just one - not twins.

I am measuring at 7 +1 though it flickered from 1 - 2. Apparently I should be counting from embryo transfer plus 2 weeks which makes me exactly 7 weeks today. We have another scan in two weeks time.

I was in such a state on Tuesday night, managed to get myself in a complete tizz and convince myself that there was never going to be any baby. poor D said he didn't know how he would have coped if it had been bad news. I have to keep up the pessaries up to 12 weeks but can slowly come off the steroid. I hope now I can just relax and start to enjoy being pregnant.

I also want to link to this truly wonderful video What IF

I know I am very lucky to be pregnant and more so that I managed it with only one round of IVF which was free on the NHS. I won't forget what it is like to be one of those people who can't get pregnant, what it's like to get the diagnosis of infertility and to see each month pass by with no good news. I don't want this blog to become 'baby baby baby', nor do I want to forget that while I might be happy now there are thousands of women out there who are going through bad times and who may never get the happy outcome I am hoping for.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dolly Parton?

Well, symptoms or no symptoms, yesterday I looked like Dolly parton in just about every dress I own. I was trying to find something to wear to work I could rely on jeans the whole time but I am a bit fed up of trying to cover up. I thought I had found the perfect thing but my breasts are so prominent and the blue veins so visible it seems that I will only get away with something which goes right up to my chin!

I went to see mum over the weekend and managed to talk about my pregnancy almost as if I really believed it might be viable. I guess I have to be positive some time. We actually talked about the birth. I quite fancy a home birth but wonder if I am that brave.

However, today I feel like surely it is all over. Still no sickness and my breasts don't feel as large. I am assuming that when I get to the scan they will tell me again that I have had a missed miscarriage and that I will then have to start the whole painful process of second scans, abortion pills and pitying looks. I don't want to go down the medical miscarriage route again but nor do I want surgical so what would I do. My only choice would be to come off the pessaries, which I strongly believe are just keeping me falsely pregnant, and wait to miscarry naturally. I will be back to square one. Maybe I am just at a default setting of 'it can't have worked' because that way I won't be so upset when they tell me at the scan but I still know that I can't properly prepare myself for the devastation I will feel.

I should try to be positive, after all they used the best embryos they had, my body (Diet) was the best it could have been, D cleaned up his act in preparation, my hCG was high the day they tested. Why should it go wrong? Yet it did last time - that's why.

this thread on Mumsnet has scared me shitless.

General feeling of not being pregnant - check
Abdominal pain at 5 weeks - Check.

Yet There is still that high hCG test level, though I have read that can happen! grrrrr

Friday, April 23, 2010

Adjusting my dates 6 +4

I discovered today that I am not 6 +6 at all, I am more likely 6 +4. Basically I had been counting from my last period but realised that I should have been counting from my Egg Collection date and adding 2 weeks. My egg collection was on day 16 of my cycle, hence the 2 extra days. Does that make sense? I found This calculator on-line which gives you an idea. So from this my Estimated due date is December 13th. Of course all this could change at the scan. If it is viable they may date it differently according to size, or perhaps that is something which gets changed later? Anyway, I am less than I thought which means my hCG test was done while I was 5 +4. I think 6540 is quite good. I expect this isn't a very scientific process but I decided to divide the hCG level I got last Friday by 2 for every 2 days (working backwards) in an attempt to see what my hCG might have been on the day I tested (16 days past egg collection), like I say it's probably not very scientific but they do say that the hCG level should double every 48 - 72 hours. So, by doing this I discovered that mu hCG level might have been 812 the day I tested, which the internet tells me is very good. The day after that I got a 3+ on the digital test which would make me over 5 weeks. 14 days after egg collection it would have been over 100. So maybe I should be thinking more positively?

Today I have scared myself a lot by searching for stuff on the internet. I just can't wait to get to Monday because like the 2WW I am setting myself little goals and Monday is the next one. Once I am there it will only be 3 sleeps to the scan.  I also booked Thursday and Friday off because I don't want to have to call my boss if it's bad news and let her know I won't be coming in. I remember how awful it was last time and there's no way I want to do that again. If it's bad news I want to go home and just crumble on my own.

It might be good news though - right?It might all be ok, and I might just be stressing out for no reason at all. It might be twins. Someone on a forum I use had a scan today and was told it was twins but that one was very small so to expect to lose it. That's really sad but I bet she was relieved too. I wonder what happens to the other embryo if it doesn't implant or doesn't develop well? We had 2 embryos put in and I know one was slightly better quality than the other.

Just one majorly annoying thing happened today. D's brother was over here and while I was upstairs I heard him take a call on his mobile and then after a few minutes of talking to whoever it was he said 'Yeah, he's fine. He's going to be a dad'! Words failed me. Turns out it was some girl I have only met twice and am unlikely to see again but it made me think who else has he told!? I could hear D giving him a real bollicking, telling him that it was way to early to be telling anyone. The thing is that we have told people close to us because we weren't really able to keep the IVF a secret and then people knew we'd be testing after 2 weeks and then we got the BFP and short of outright lying we couldn't really not tell people. Can you imagine, telling someone that it was a BFN then 10 weeks or so later saying 'surprise, we lied'?  So there's no point me getting stressed about it and I would never have a go at BIL for what he did but I did have to stay upstairs until he went because in the moment it happened I was really annoyed and didn't really want to make him feel extra bad by going down with a face like a smacked arse. He probably thinks that I didn't hear and it's probably for the best.

It's sometimes annoying being married to someone with such a massive circle of friends, specially female friends. They ALL know, because some of them have been very supportive to me and some of them are his very best friends. I am just so relieved that it was positive. Sometimes though I wonder if it might just be easier all round if I took out a two page advert in teh South Wales Echo.

I am drinking a glass of Cherry Coke. I had all but given up Caffine a few weeks before the IVF but really fancied a glas and the decaf coke they do is just not the same. Hopefully one glass will be ok.

I wanted to also link to This blog post as I found it really inspiring.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

symptoms

Maybe I should start documenting my symptoms, the few I have?
I am getting aches around my lower abdomen, like pulsing waves mostly on the left side but a bit on my right.
I have occasional throbs in my boobs too and I still have blue veins.
My sense of smell is so acute that I could smell someone eating ricecakes in our open plan office even though there is half a wall and a good 7 metres between us.

that's it.

Here's a MSN conversation I had with my friend Ruth today:

Ruth says:
  how are you?
donna says:
 good 
 still no symptoms lol
Ruth says:
 have you been testing?
donna says:
 no!
 no way
 not after last time
 staying well away from tests now
 even though I have two here
 I'm not going to test again ever!
Ruth says:
 oh ok
 have you been having a metally taste or smells now and again and thought you were imagining it?
donna says:
 my sense of smell is really good
 I could smell someone eating rice cakes in the other office earlier
 but no metal taste
Ruth says:
 so you have to wait a week today fir the scan right?
donna says:
 week tomorrow 
 it's next Thursday
Ruth says:
 how are yiour boobins?
donna says:
 not sore
 I have blue veins
Ruth says:
 hard?
donna says:
 but they don't seem big or sore
 Dale says they feel a bit harder
 but they were definitely bigger and harder last week
Ruth says:
 not sore more hard on the sides under armpits?
donna says:
 no
 nothing under the pits
Ruth says:
 yeah but body is evolving anyway
 no -  the sides not under - anyway everypone different 
 tired?
donna says:
  no tiredness at all
Ruth says:
 i wasn't really
donna says:
 am 6 +4
 so maybe I will get tired/sick a bit later
Ruth says:
 thats more 8-10 wks imo
donna says:
 yeah
Ruth says:
 sure!
Ruth says:
 I didn't have sickness - just starving and dizzy - like on a boat if not eat
 didn't have any symtoms for ages really Donna
donna says:
 maybe that's what I have

See, these are the conversations which make me think people are expecting me to have more symptoms.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Staying positive

I really want to write something positive and happy rather than yet another blog about how I am sure something will go wrong. Perhaps I am being too negative - who me? As if! Har har.

I am, for the most part, extremely relaxed if you can count running to the loo to check out the veins on my boobs about 6 times a day as being a relaxed state of affairs. I am pretty sure someone is going to come into the work looks to find me with my breasts hanging out while I inspect them in the mirror. I am doing this at home too and waving them about in front of D's face asking him to check that they still look bigger or harder or veinier - is that even a word? Poor thing, it's hardly romantic is it. But seriously, I am relaxed in myself, I am not knicker checking because I am still on the progesterone pessaries and assume they would stop any bleeding anyway. I am going about my daily business with this constantly on my mind but it's not intruding too much yet. A week Thursday we have the scan and I have to remain hopeful.

I have resisted the urge to test again, I reallydon't need the hassle a strange digital result would bring.

My trolley arrived today. I ordered a great big green garden trolley from ebay for Glastonbury festival. D wanted us to camp off-site this year but I have managed to persuade him that being on-site will be much better for me. I think his issue was that he would have to do the bulk of the carrying from the carpark so a trolley is just what we needed. I just need to put it together now. My sister and her boyfriend are still considering a campervan/caravan so if they do manage to get one we might stay with them slightly off site but it'll be a darn sight better than camping 3 miles away. If this pregnancy does stick I will be about 16 weeks pregnant and hopefully past any sickness and tiredness.
.

Monday, April 19, 2010

"how are you feeling?"

I seem to be asked this on a daily basis. So many people know that I had IVF and so they know that I am pregnant, there was no way of not letting them know unless I was prepared to lie and tell them it was unsuccessful and then surprise them at 12 weeks. So I get a lot of 'how are you feeling' and more specifically 'are you feeling sick yet, are you feeling tired?'. All of this makes me feel even more like there must be something wrong. Everyone else expects me to be feeling rough and because I don't, and it's meant to be the norm, I feel like something is wrong and I can't get it out of my head on almost a minute to minute basis that if I really was pregnant then I would be feeling something.  I did mention it to my work-mate today and explained that I knew it was natural for people to ask but that I felt really pressured by it. Then I got home to another 'how are you feeling' email from my best friend who however much she tries to reassure me is making me feel stressed for not feeling what other pregnant people feel. I walk to the toilet in work silently chanting 'please please please let me get what I want' and what I want is a scan in 2 weeks which shows a heartbeat.

Anotehr thing people say is 'I have a feeling' or worse 'I have a good feeling'. A feeling means nothing when something is so out of my or their control. D's grandmother thinks I am going to have twins. I think I am going to face a terrible upset.

Friday, April 16, 2010

the Clearblue Digital saga

So today has been a terrible day. Last night, convinced that my one and only symptom was disappearing, I had a terrible night's sleep. I know I was awake at midnight and then again at 4.30 am as I went to the toilet and also D's snoring kept me awake again. I remember at one point getting really upset and telling D that I was certain there was something wrong. When I bought my digital test last Sunday evening I ended up buying a pack of two as there was a special offer so this morning when I woke I decided to do another test.

Basically the test I did on Sunday evening was just a vanity test. I already knew I was pregnant because I had used a non-digital test on Saturday morning but I wanted to see that thing where the test tells you how many weeks you are. For more info you can see here So on Sunday with evening wee I got a result which said 'pregnant 3+' which seemed right to me as at the time I was just 5 weeks. Even better that it gave me that very encouraging result without using morning wee.

So today - I did the test and was horrified when it came up with 'pregnant 2-3' basically suggesting I am 4-5 weeks when in reality I should be almost 6 weeks. I felt so panicked that after telling D and then posting and searching frantically on the internet I rang the IVF clinic, left a message on their answerphone and asked them to please ring me back. Thankfully they did ring me in work and I explained why I was so worried, that because of what happened last year I was worrying that my hCG levels had dropped. Even though they tried to reassure me I asked if I could have a blood test and they agreed. So I drove straight to the hospital (I am so glad it's so close) and had my blood taken which they said they would get the results of by 3pm. On the way out of the hospital I bought another 2 digital tests and tested at mid-day, about 4 and a half hours after the morning test. Guess what... 'Pregnant 3+'! I wonder if because I went to the toilet twice in the night, was that why the test only read 2-3?

About an hour later they called and told me my hCG level is 6540. All good apparently and no need to test again. Though a small part of me is still really concerned by the lack of symptoms and the fact that my breasts are now shrunk and still not hurting. Looking online just scares me more as some sites say that if you are sure of your ovulation date then the hCG level is usually 2/3 of the higher end of the scale. Mine is not.

But... all I can do is wait and hope and try not to let last year's experience get me down.
These are the 2 tests I did today - the bottom one at 7.30am and the other just after noon. I don't want to be one of those mad women who test every day all the way through the first trimester but sadly it seems I am in danger of becoming one.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

what is normal pregnancy

I wish I could have a normal pregnancy. I wish I could stop worrying abou the lack of symptoms. I wish I could be like most other people in their sixth week of pregnancy, ignorant to the worst that can happen. I am not knicker-checking because last time it wasn't bleeding which signaled the end of my pregnancy, it was a scan.
I am worrying about my lack of symptoms, worrying that my breasts are less swollen than yesterday or that the fact they are even swollen in the first place is down to the progesterone and nothing else, worrying that despite the positive test my body is just pumping out hormones to support a non viable pregnancy.

It's horrible and I hate it. On the one hand I am staying positive but on the other I know the worst can happen and it's getting harder and harder to stay positive when I have a wait for the scan. It's only 2 weeks but it seems so far away and then I don't even know if it will be bad news. Of course how could I know, how can anyone know. Maybe I should do what a lot of women on forums I use seem to do and go to the EPU complaining of pains just to get an early scan but what would be the point when seeing no heartbeat (as would be the case) would just make me worry more.

I want to be able to get on with enjoying this. I am trying to convince myself that the stuffy nose I have had for the last 4 days is a good pregnancy symptom.

I have found this site, which put my mind at ease a bit.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I want to feel something

So I am chilled but I am worried. Ever since Sunday when I had that 20 minute fever and feeling unwell I can't help worrying that maybe something has gone wrong. I felt so sick at the time and was in quite a lot of pain in my stomach but afterwards I underplayed it because I didn't want to worry anyone and also because it went quite quickly. Now when I get twinges I worry that it's ectopic. Not that I am spending the whole time worrying, just sometimes. The rest of the time I feel quite chilled out and have a 'whatever will be will be' but if I stop and remember what it was like when I miscarried before and I am so scared. I know evey woman who has miscarried must go through this.

I have a scan booked for 29th April. That's just over 2 weeks away and it will be 7 weeks 5 days since my last period began. So another 2WW for me and then we will know if it's viable. I just want some symptoms to begin and I mean more than the slightly sore boobs I have now. Because of the progesterone pessaries I am not sure if I can trust that sign and anyway sometimes it seems like the throbbing has lessened. I don't feel sick or tired. I just wish it would start soon so that I can feel a bit more hopeful. If my hormones are doubling every day then surely I should be starting to feel something?

I did a digital test on Sunday evening which said 3+ and that means 5+ weeks so should be about right. I haven't had any bleeding so I should be ok, but then I had a missed miscarriage before so what do I really know?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Sickness, already?

Either I had a very short lived tummy bug or some kind of morning sickness has begun. I was fine when I woke up this morning, just a bit queasy as if I had been drinking the night before - hazy. My sister was still here and stayed for about 40 minutes. Almost as soon as she left I felt like I was going to puke. Then I felt like I really needed to go to the toilet. I had terrible diarrhea three times and while not doing that was completely convinced I was going to be sick. At one point I had to take all my clothes off as I got so hot and sweaty, then the next I was freezing. I also had very odd all over tummy ache. it wasn't abdominal as in it wasn't in the sides (although there were some twinges) but more of a constant low dull ache across my upper belly. I thought for a minute that I might have to wake Dale up and get him to take me to EPU but as soon as it came it went. The ache in my belly has continued and I have tried to keep nibbling on things to just keep any nausea away.

I just don't know - is this morning sickness? Already?

I did a digital test and it said 3+ - the instructions say that us 5 or more weeks. could it be twins?

Burning the candle

I really should be in bed asleep. This has been a long day, so long that it is infact a new day. I am exhausted but elated; hopeful yet cautious. I am pregnant again and it doesn't seem real because I don't think I can let myself think it is real... at least not yet.

I woke up at stupid o-clock, the birds were singing and it was dark so I guess dawn was breaking. I really felt that my bladder was just not full enough to even think about testing so I lay there for ages trying to get the courage up to test. I had managed to wait until my official test date, 16 days after the egg transfer, and still I didn't have faith that it had worked. Though to be fair I had started to hope a little in the two days before which was good compared to the depression I had sunk into on Wednesday. I think being back in work was good for me. So about 7.30 I decided to reluctantly drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I told D and then grabbed a wine glass from the kitchen. Why a wine glass I don't know but I didn't want to do the usual pissing directly onto the stick because I still didn't think I had enough urine to do it for the whole 5 seconds. As it happened I filled the whole glass and then some. less than 30 seconds later there it was - my BFP! I just calmly walked back to the bedroom holding the test and grinned from ear to ear. That was it. All done, not what I expected and clear as day.

Like last time it is a strong positive. Unlike last time I can't allow myself to celebrate. Well, that's not totally true, I am over the moon and I am making plans but still in the back of my mind is the 'if the baby is viable' thing. Every conversation I have had today has ended with 'if the baby is viable' and 'as long as it sticks'. Tomorrow will be 5 weeks from the first day of my last period. I am not sure if that makes me five weeks pregnant or not. Is it the same for IVF?

D and I have a bit of an issue with Glastonbury. I want to go still, he thinks we shouldn't. I think we have reached a compromise which is to get a campervan and do it that way but if the campervan tickets sell out then I think we will have another battle on our hands as he really isn't keen on me camping. I get it and I don't get it. Last time I was pregnant I would have been 10 weeks pregnant at the festival had it been viable. He had no concerns at all. Of course, I then miscarried and so I guess that experience has made him wary. Though if my memory doesn't fail me I do seem to remember he went off on his stag do the day after we were told there was no heartbeat but ho hum! My point is that if I miscarry then it's not going to be Glastonbury's fault; it will be my stupid body's fault and if my stupid body can't hold on to a baby then that's just my stupid stupid body. D's point of view is that the window of risk is much bigger at Glastonbury. I don't understand it. Being pregnant puts me more at risk? So therefore surely I am more at risk wherever I am? It's not like I will be stage-diving or bungee jumping. I think I have managed to persuade him but most of today he's been in a right sulk, I think because he thinks I am dismissing his concerns. If the baby is viable I will be about 16 weeks. we will have had the tests to check nothng is wrong and hopefully I will be in that glowing energetic phase that I have read about.

Anyway - I am supposed to be in bed. My sister is here, she turned up with the new boyfriend pissed (She was, he was driving) having just been sick in a bag in the car. So we have given her a bowl, a glass of water and a bed. I should go to bed too. I am hoping for morning sickness as it will make me feel pregnant and I didn't get any last time.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

It worked!

You're shocked? I'm shocked.
here's hoping it sticks.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

chances

I don't think that this has worked. I have no real way of knowing without testing but the last couple of days I have become quite negative about the IVF and really feel like Saturday is going to be an awful day. This morning my first thought was to go down to Sainsbury and get a test just to get the whole thing over with. I am back in work on Thursday though and so it would probably be more sensible to wait for the official test day on Saturday and just use the weekend to sort my head out. I have no symptoms; my boobs are only hurting around the times I use the progesterone pessaries. I keep trying to reasure myself but it's ot working. D, I dont think he understands just how upset I am going to be on Saturday and how much worse I am going to feel when he makes a really bad job of comforting me. Like I said, I have no way of knowing if this has worked at all. Maybe it's natural to be negative about it? I just feel lke everyone else I speak to has strong symptoms and I have none. I am trying to be positive, to remember that we had OK embryos, the best sperm, all the drug support, I don't drink or smoke etc etc. Why wouldn't it work? Thing is I know my chances are quite small.