Thursday, March 11, 2010

menopur fear

I wonder if it's normal at this stage to start doubting what you are doing? I have done my third set of injections and I feel like it's getting harder rather than easier. The first ones were a bit exciting apart from the melt down, yesterday was a bit like a second try (it still went wrong but more about that later) and today even though I found the whole injection preparation easier I hesitated before putting the needle in. I am also wondering what the hell am I doing going through this stressful experience when there's only a slim chance it will work and I am also starting to think I won't do this again in a hurry. It's not awful but it's not great either and that's without having had any side effects - yet...

Yesterday's injections were messed up again by my inability to draw up the medication properly. I also managed to splash some on my leg and panicked that I had fucked up the whole thing. In the end D came to my rescue again and so today we decided that he will prepare the injection and I will stick it in. It seems to work and apart from the hesitation about putting the needle in it eally helps me to stop stressing.

My tummy is starting to feel bruised now and I have only done 6 injections so who knows how much it's going to hurt by the time I get to egg collection. I am drinking something like 3 litres (or more) of water every day plus milk and herbal teas so am constantly running to the toilet even with my amazing bladder capacity. Through it all I am 'carrying on as normal' and apart from Lis (who sits next to me in the office) not one person in work knows what I am doing. Isn't it funny how we have this ability to on the one hand go through something so weird and possibly life-changing and on the other just keep going along as normal? I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow and I am just hoping she doesn't ask me anything about the treatment (She just knows I am having something done in hospital) and doesn't stress me out with anything.

Yesterday I had acupuncture. I have no idea what she is doing and no indication that any of it is working. She stuck a pin in the top of my head which was weird, I have no idea what for apart from what I have read on the internet which said it's for depression or mental dis-order. I wonder if she thinks I am a screwed up mess. I always seem to stupidly eat beans on the days I see her so spend a lot of the session trying not to fart. Maybe that is why she thinks I am full of bad Qi. I have 2 more sessions before the egg collection and then guess I will have to work out how to fit two sessons arround the transfer. I am not sure if it's doing anything for me, she asks me and I lie a bit and tell her I am feeling more 'up'. Well, it's not an out and out lie as I do feel more up. I've not had any alcohol for about a month and very little in the last 2. I am not eating as much shit, not drinking caffine... so why then did I step on the scales today to be told I am 11 stone!? I am so pissed off with my weight gain and a little worried that I have some kind of thyroid problem.

I am thinking maybe I should do something for my birthday - but what? A meal is a good place to start, maybe just on Penarth Prom and maybe lunch not dinner. We'll see.

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