Argghh - I just found my ex on Facebook. This is the guy I was with for 12 years and who I split up with 3 and a half years ago when I met D the one I owned a house and a dog with and had to live with for 10 long months while we sorted our stuff out. The one who started drinking more and more and who finally I could live with no more and then along came D. I had the weirdest dream about him last night and so this morning I had a look to see if he'd joined facebook. I do this periodically, usually when I feel guilty about the whole breaking up thing, guilty about having caused him so much pain. Or if I start to think about the dog which he kept and I never get to see. Anyway - so I actively searched for him but he didn't come up. Next I decided to look for some of his closest mates, only to discover that the couple we knew in London who were married and in love have split up! I think that's a good thing as he was a bit of a dick and she, although hugely glamorous and a bit intimidating, was quite a nice person in a dead end marriage with a tosser. Seems like she ran off with a man called Jose. Next I looked at the profiles of some of our mutual friends, the ones I never see any more but have them on my facebook for some reason. There he was! Full name and a picture of the dog on his profile which made me shed a tear. I really bloody miss Devo, he was a brilliant pet and I loved him so much. We did have a deal that if the ex ever needed anyone to look after the dog then he would contact me but in the end he never did and the last time I saw Devo was about 10 days before the house sold.
Ah well, my life is here now but I can't help feeling curious about the person I left behind. Is he OK? Is he happy? Does he have someone he loves? His status says single. He only joined Facebook last week. How odd that I should dream about him and then find him the week he joined. He won't be able to see my profile, or at least not my photos or my profile info because I have always had it locked down pretty tightly. I have just checked to see if friends of friends can see stuff and they can't so I will leave it like that. I don't think I am ready to share my life with my Ex, even after all this time. With a bit of luck he will lock his down too. I'd like to see more pictures of the dog though.
In other news... for some reason today I went into Mothercare!!!!!!!!!!! I was on my way to another shop and passed Mothercare so thought 'what the hell' and wandered in. I looked at pushchairs and prams and specifically at twin buggies. I suppose I am tempting fate and it wouldn't really do to get my hopes up would it? Never before have I even dipped my toe into looking at baby stuff, not for me anyway. Maybe for other people but I've never gone in to one of these places to specifically dream about what I might choose for a baby if I am successful. When I was pregnant last Spring I did buy some maternity jeans and some re-usable nappies on ebay but I wouldn't let myself look at prams and cots. Anyway - it was when I got to the cots and cribs that I realised how serious this all was, when I pushed one of the swinging cribs and for a moment imagined myself doing so with a real live baby! I left pretty sharpish after that and felt embarrassed and stupid for even dreaming it might come true. I get this one chance at IVF and the likelyhood of it working is pretty slim.