Wednesday, March 31, 2010

catless

So today I am 6DPET. That means Six days past Embryo transfer which makes makes me 9DPEC which is 9 days past egg collection. I can't test until I am 16DPET and it's killing me. Today I had some weird achy feelings in my lower abdomen and a couple of shooting pains in my leg sockets. I also have that weird rash feeling on my legs which I had when I was stimming. The knicker checking has really started now and I am just going from hopeful to expecting the worst. I have all the way until 10th April to get to. My greatest fear is that I get my period before I even get a chance to test. Do you think it's ok for an Atheist like me to pray - naaah thought not. I wonder if the symptoms I have are just because of the progesterone or could it be that my period is just around he corner?

I am starting to wish that so many people didn't know about this. D has a friend who lives in London now and recently announced her pregnancy. So apparently she sent D a text today asking if we were testing this weekend! I don't know, it's just riled me a bit. Firstly because I wish there wasn't a line of people queueing up to see if I am pregnant; I wish that like all other normal people I could actually keep it a secret until 12 weeks. I am also a bit narked that she hasn't got enough common sense or knoweldge about these things to realise that even with a natural pregnancy you don't test 8 days after ovulation. But then I suppose she is lucky enough to have had an accidental pregnancy and probably didn't even realise she was pregnant until her period was late.

I went to the Museum today, met up with Rachel (old school friend) and her 2 kids. I suppose going to a museum on the easter holidays is a stupid thing to do when you are TTC. Lots of wee kids walking about hand in hand while their mothers walked behind with newborn babies in their arms.

I have arranged a birthday meal on Saturday for me and all my family. I dn't know what will be worse - everyone talking about 'it' or everyone studiously not talking about 'it'.

My other news is that Mumcat had to be put down. She was my blind cat, my only remaining cat, my oldest cat. We had to have her daughter put down last year as she went doolally and started walking around in circles. Mum cat started to do the same. Her blindness meant that she found it really hard to get about but was still getting up and down the stairs. However she spent Sunday night pacing the bed and the next morning she fell down the stairs. It was awful. I took her to a vet and although they said I could have tests done it seemed all round kinder to put her down. She was 17. I really miss her.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Egg Transfer and the 2WW

Hi there. I am 3 days post egg Transfer and  am really quite bored. I can't believe I have until the 8th April off work but I am not to test until 10th. We had egg transfer on Thursday which started with me driving to acupuncture for 9 am in a bit of a funk. I had got really down the evening before and despite having been fairly positive and optomistic about it all up until then I just started to worry a lot about the chances of success. I explained all this to my acupuncturist and she was able to do something which left me feeling much more relaxed and hopeful. Our appointment was at 11 so we got to the hospital for 10.30 and were again led into the waiting area where they just cordon off 4 areas with curtains, each with one of those chairs which when you lean back flip into a sort've day bed. Again there was a lot of sitting about and waiting; a nurse came in to explain what would happen and to tell us what our test date would be. In the end we didn't get to theatre until 12 so it was a really long wait. Just before going in the embryologist explained that though 4 had fertilised out of the 6, only two were of really good quality and that the other two had both too much fragmentation and were growing abnormally fast. However the other two they said were ok and so it was those we had put in while the other two would be assessed over the weekend.

The Transfer process was simple enough though my bladder was way too full due to the fact that my guidence notes told me to have a full bladder but not to eat or drink for 2 hours before the transfer. So I had drunk water at 9 am expecting an 11 am transfer only to be kept waiting until 12. They were so matter of fact about doing the transfer that I wonder if they might have just cobbled together a team at late notice. Certainly the woman scanning me didn't seem to know how to do it (She had to be helped by the doctor) though she did say that we had one 'very nice' embryo so she must have had a bit of experience I guess? They put the embryos up on a screen so that while you are lying back with your legs held apart and a huge piece of metal between your legs you can distract yourself by looking at what might turn out to be your children. I have to say it wasn't a hugely emotional process for me; I find it hard to link what I see on the screen to what I desparately want - a living breathing child. D held onto my hand really tightly until he got distracted by the fact that my chair had a remote control to move it up and down. I didn't feel the Catheter go in but maybe that was because I was so distracted by the woman pushing down on my bladder! We watched the embryos go in on a monitor next to my head, really it's just a very quick flash of light. And that was it; after a 10 minute rest I was allowed to leave and get dressed. When we decided to leave I had to go and find a nurse to let them know we were going incase there was any form filling to do. Weird.

Later I went to acupuncture and had another session. They say that having it immediately before and after egg transfer increases chances of success slightly. Who knows. After that it was back home to relax. I have been sitting about with my feet up and watching crap TV since Thursday afternoon and it's really boring particularly as they seem to repeat daytime shows everyday so after a while there's nothing new to watch. Last night D's friend M came to stay. I forgot he would be smoking so sat upstairs in bed with the windows open and a towel across the bottom of the door. Hopefully that was precaution enough. Am a bit worried as today I exerted myself a bit - changed the bin, mopped the floor that kind of thing.  I have no idea when these embryos will implnt, if they do, but I have been told to take it easy. I have progesterone pessaries which I use twice a day and have been since the collection. They don't seem to have much effect on me although I have had heartburn and felt a bit bloated. I just hope that they help to support a pregnancy. This wait is going to be so long.

Also - I had a call from the embryologist today to let us know that the two other ones were just not good enough quality to freeze but that they had got to Blastocyst stage and that indicates that the two we had put in would probably do the same.  Shame we can't have a Frozen Embryo transfer but let's just hope one or both of the little bugger inside me now implants and grows.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

To be honest, I don't want to be able to drink thank you!

Arrgghhhh. It's my 40th birthday soon. More or less the same time as I will be testing. I have said to a couple of people that it would be really awful if I got my period on or around my birthday and they have all, without exception, said 'At least you will be able to have a drink'. I don't know what I am supposed to say in response to this presumably positive response. I am guessing that people really do think that this is an appropriate and supportive thing to say? That I will think 'oh you know what, they are right. If I get my period after IVF on my 40th Birthday I should look on the bright side, at least I will be able to have a drink' FFS.

Today I have felt quite negative. I am hoping that by bashing it down here I will release some of it. A white blank page and all that! I am worried about my Luteal phase. I know I have the progesterone pessaries but technically speaking I am on about day 18 of my cycle and I am terrified that I will get my period on day 24 or 25 like normal. I have acupuncture tomorrow before and after the transfer. I really must stop stressing and I really should go to bed.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

We have lift-off

After a restless night's sleep I woke at 6 am and dragged myself out of bed an hour later. Had some really weird dreams (Which I have forgotten now) but apparently that is a side effect of the drugs they gave me so I guess they did actually give me some after all. At about 9.30 the hospital called with the very good news that four eggs out of the six have fertilised. The Embryo transfer is booked in for 11am on Thursday. I feel so relieved, athough I am also a bit scared about the assisted hatching as all I seem to get when I look it up is site after site saying it's really of no benefit or that it can be detrimental to the foetus. I have managed to find some success stories though so have to tray to remain positive and not worry about something which hasn't happened yet.

I forgot to mention the little blip D and I had yesterday. For some stupid reason, when we were waiting for the egg collection, I mentioned to him that if V and I both get pregnant we will be due at the same time and that will be the day of his mum's birthday or there abouts. The plan was that this year we would all go to spain as it's her 60th birthday. Obviously if I was about to give birth or had recently given birth it wouldn't be possible for us to go. D said something about his mum coming to us, we have a 2 bedroom house with the only bathroom leading from one of those bedrooms. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn't even want my own mum staying just after giving birth for the first time. I can think of nothing worse than having an overnight guest while trying to get to grips with a new baby, with breastfeeding and with sleepless nights!

After I sad all this D went into a bit of a sulk and I realised that I had probably spoken at completey the wrong time. Ooops. Ayway - since then D has spoken to her and apparently she's already thought ahead. She is planning on coming over but will rent a house and we can all go to her. Brilliant idea. Here's hoping that if I do manage to get pregnant, and keep the pregnancy, that I give birth a while before she comes so I have time to ajust, or a while after she leaves.

Monday, March 22, 2010

The egg collection

They got six eggs! Pretty good for someone who was only able to get 8 follicles eh?

So now I will describe my day. I woke up early, before the alarm, and made myself toast. The form they gave me said to have a light breakfast but not to eat or drink for two hours before the procedure so I didn't drink anything at all. We left to get there for 10.30 and didn't wait long before they took us into a room where 4 areas were separated by curtains. 2 seemed to be occupied by women aho had already had egg collection and 2 by us and another couple. No bed but instead a reclining chair and a very bright and hot light. I changed into my nighty and dressing gown and very quickly realised the dressing gown was far too hot. After a while a nurse came through to explain what would happen and then I went for a pee while D went off to do his sample. By the time I got back he was back too, the two cubicles they use for the wanking were already occupied. Eventually they led him off again and while he was gone the doctor who did the treatment planning took me into a room to fit one of those things in your hand that they administer drugs through. A little painful but not too bad. While he explained the effects of the drugs they give you an embryologist went through my information with me. I guess they have to keep checking that you are who you say you are and that they are mixing the right person's sperm with your eggs.

The Doctor told me that the drugs (Vallium and Morphine) would take effect almost instantly and would make me feel like I had drunk half a bottle of vodka. So I was kind of disappointed when that turned out not to be the case. As far as I am aware the drugs had no effect on me at all. In the procedure room they cleaned out my cervix, fixed me up to a machine to measure my blood pressure and pulse and then gave me the drugs.

To collect the eggs they have to put a proble thing up my vagina and then pass a fine needle into the follicles to draw out the fluid and hopefully the eggs too. I could hear them call out the first two but had my ipod on so didn't hear how many they got in total until I was told afterwards. I felt the needle poking around and it was a bit painful but to be honest the blood pressure thing around my arm hurt more. One it was all done they put me in a wheelchair, despite me knowing I could have walked, and took me back to where D was waiting. After that there was about an hour of recovery time and we got written confirmation that 6 eggs had been collected. I just wanted to go because I felt fine and even the nurses commented on how well I seemed. I swear that they didn't even give me any drugs!

After they confirmed the sperm sample was ok we were allowed to go and I have been lying in bed ever since, feeling fine and wondering a bit about what all the fuss is about! I would do this again no problem!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hospital bag

So today (or rather yesterday) I packed my hospital bag for the egg collection. One dressing gown, one nighty, one pair of slippers; all three of which I had to go out an buy. I've also removed all the frantic loud stuff from my ipod so that there are only gentle songs for me to listen to while sedated. I still don't know what it is they give you for egg collection but D thinks it will be Valium.

I also have just done my Pregnyl injection which had to be done dead on 1.15am so that it is all timed correctly for the egg collection on Monday. So... we are finally here. That was my last injection and in 34 hours I will know how many eggs we have managed to get. Scary.

Friday, March 19, 2010

We're all set to go

 We had the second scan today. There are now 8 follicles, though 2 are very small so am counting it as still the 6 they said I had on Monday. My right ovary must be asleep (or nearly dead?) as there are only 2 follicles. Everything went very well though, the nurse showed me the follicles and I sneaked a look at the sizes. The largest is 23mm, two are 20 mm and the rest seem to be between 10 and 15. Here's hoping they all contain eggs. I have to (infact I have already) inject one more shot of Menopur tonight and then Suprecur tonight and tomorrow. After that I have to inject the HCG shot at 1.15 am on Sunday. It has to be exact so that I am ready for egg collection at 11.15 on the Monday. So only 2 more injections to go before Monday - the big day! While we were waiting for a prescription to be written D looked at the pictures of all the babies which have been born because of IVF Wales; they have huge frames filled with pictures of babies. I asked him what he was doing and he said 'oh my god, there are so many twins'. I think the possibility that we might get pregnant and that it might be more than one. here's hoping that at the very least we achieve one!

I had acupuncture today and it was really different. She did the usual leg stuff but also put some pins in my ears and did something weird with heat over my ovaries in some kind of metal spoon like thing! I explained to her that I am the sort of person who if everything seems to be going well will always think that something is bound to go wrong soon. So because I have more or less breezed through the injections and the scans I am now starting to get worried about each new stage. Will there be enough eggs, will enough get fertilised, will they make it from the dish and into me and so on.


Talking of side-effects, my sister-in-law is having IUI next week and we've been swapping texts about the injections. She says she's had really bad head aches and side effects. I am on the highest dose possible and because she has PCOS and tends to get over stimulated I imagine that she's on a much lower dose, so it doesn't make sense to me that I would have no side-effects when hers are so bad. Differnt strokes I suppose. She has had several IUIs and one IVF which resulted in a pregnancy last year but ended in miscarriage. She and her husband (D's brother) have been trying for something like 7 years and as far as I know that one IVF was the only pregnancy they ever achieved. She has been travelling to and from Swansea to have scans and tests because she needs to be closely monitored as apparently people with PCOS tend to over stimulate. I know that they had to abandon IUI last month. I really hope that we both get to realise our dream of becoming a parent, and that this happens for us both now. It would be really amazing to go through the pregnancies together.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

baby stuff

Everyone in work seems to be selling baby stuff. Arrggh - stuff I really want but can't buy because that would be presumptious. Even if I did get pregnant as a result of this IVF I still wouldn't want to buy anyting until I knew the baby was viable. Hrrmmph. I looked at cots online again; I am so stupid. I am starting to get my hopes up and yet there is no guarantee this is going to work at all. Sigh.

I am feeling pissed off with people in work. For the second time one of them has pointedly asked me if I have any female friends in work. I have lunch with all men, it's just the way things have worked out. The one good female friend I had left ages ago and my closest work mate and I have to cover each other for lunch. If I go to the canteen I usually join the people I know, who are all male. if I am there first they usually join me. Now though I am wondering if I really want to sit with people who so obviously think that it's weird for me to be sitting with them. It's made me feel quite sad specially as this is the second time it has been mentioned. If they are mentioning it to take the piss out of me then I am not sure why I would want to sit with them any more. After Friday I have over 2 weeks off work and so maybe I should come back and start doing my own or a different thing with my lunch hours.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Dr Horrid and the 6 Follicles

So I had my first scan since starting the Menopur and Suprecor today. Just a little aside to show you how bizzarely unstressed I am about all this. While taking D to work this morning he asked me when the next scan was 'erm, this morning' said I. Proof indeed that rather than stressing about it I completely forgot to mention it! I have asked him to come to the next one which is on Friday because that is when they give us all the info about the Egg Collection.

So… unfortunately the person who called me in for the scan was the same woman (Dr Horrid) who pissed me off so much at the scan which showed no heartbeat last June. I was so annoyed with her at the time because her manner was not helpful nor sympathetic. This morning the first question she asked me was 'have you had an internal scan before' - err, yes! Then 'so you are about to start the treatment for IVF?' Err no! Basically it seems (according to her) that no one had bothered to update my file, though I strongly suspect they had she just couldn't find it as the nurse I had last time was very thorough and filled in a lot of forms. When Dr Horrid called me in another woman stood up and complained that she had arrived before me so Dr Horrid left me to get my knickers off while she went to sort out 'the woman who is complaining' who apparently was there for a blood test not a scan. Pretty soon Dr Horrid was back; she did the scan and sighed all the way through it then told me I have 5 Follicles on my left side and just one small one on the right. At first I thought this was bad but have researched it online and spoken to some people on the forums I use and it seems that for someone of my age and with my AMH result this would be considered ok plus there's a chance I will have more by the time I go back on Friday. I have a chance at least and the Egg Collection should go ahead as planned a week today.

While I was waiting for Dr Horrid to fill in all the forms with details of the next injections to take a couple of other nurses came in to double check with her that she hadn't taken the complaining blood test woman's file. Though Dr Horrid was adament she hadn't this didn't stop the other nurses popping back in when she was out to double check! Perhaps they have as little faith in her as I have. I also heard one of them ask if she needed a chaperone! What that was about I really don't know. I have no faith in her and would rather not see her the next time!

So… Egg Collection On Monday 22nd after a trigger shot sometime over the weekend. Here's hoping it all goes to plan. I am of course ignoring the news from D that he is seriously considering handing in his resignation despite not having another job to go to. Sigh.

These are not mine by the way!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Mother's day

Had I managed to stay pregnant today would be my first Mother's day. I'm not sad about it, it's not like I am marking every would-have-been anniversary. I think the only one which really hurt was what would have been my due date; to be honest I can't even remember the date I was told the baby wasn't viable (June some time) so I know I won't be too sad when that comes along. I am off to see my mum in a bit, with a bunch of flowers and a card. Should be nice.

My injections are going ok, last night were the easiest so far in terms of preparation and the fear leading up to the injections themselves. It really is so much easier with D doing them. He has not smoled or drank for 2 weeks which is really really great. I am so proud of him. Also - when he went to do a repeat sperm test the doctor found his old one and said the results really were very good so he shouldn't worry about this one as they wouldn't expect to see a dramatic change. Hurrah. I think we will get the results of this latest one tomorrow. I have a scan then and just hope that it shows the Menopur is working for me.

other non TTC news... we got a new Sofa





Later. I went to see mum, she is fine. She bought me a crystal called Chrysoprase when she was in Lyme Regis which is said to be good for fertility issues. At this stage I will try anything. It was nice of her to think of me and I will wear it all the time.



Thursday, March 11, 2010

menopur fear

I wonder if it's normal at this stage to start doubting what you are doing? I have done my third set of injections and I feel like it's getting harder rather than easier. The first ones were a bit exciting apart from the melt down, yesterday was a bit like a second try (it still went wrong but more about that later) and today even though I found the whole injection preparation easier I hesitated before putting the needle in. I am also wondering what the hell am I doing going through this stressful experience when there's only a slim chance it will work and I am also starting to think I won't do this again in a hurry. It's not awful but it's not great either and that's without having had any side effects - yet...

Yesterday's injections were messed up again by my inability to draw up the medication properly. I also managed to splash some on my leg and panicked that I had fucked up the whole thing. In the end D came to my rescue again and so today we decided that he will prepare the injection and I will stick it in. It seems to work and apart from the hesitation about putting the needle in it eally helps me to stop stressing.

My tummy is starting to feel bruised now and I have only done 6 injections so who knows how much it's going to hurt by the time I get to egg collection. I am drinking something like 3 litres (or more) of water every day plus milk and herbal teas so am constantly running to the toilet even with my amazing bladder capacity. Through it all I am 'carrying on as normal' and apart from Lis (who sits next to me in the office) not one person in work knows what I am doing. Isn't it funny how we have this ability to on the one hand go through something so weird and possibly life-changing and on the other just keep going along as normal? I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow and I am just hoping she doesn't ask me anything about the treatment (She just knows I am having something done in hospital) and doesn't stress me out with anything.

Yesterday I had acupuncture. I have no idea what she is doing and no indication that any of it is working. She stuck a pin in the top of my head which was weird, I have no idea what for apart from what I have read on the internet which said it's for depression or mental dis-order. I wonder if she thinks I am a screwed up mess. I always seem to stupidly eat beans on the days I see her so spend a lot of the session trying not to fart. Maybe that is why she thinks I am full of bad Qi. I have 2 more sessions before the egg collection and then guess I will have to work out how to fit two sessons arround the transfer. I am not sure if it's doing anything for me, she asks me and I lie a bit and tell her I am feeling more 'up'. Well, it's not an out and out lie as I do feel more up. I've not had any alcohol for about a month and very little in the last 2. I am not eating as much shit, not drinking caffine... so why then did I step on the scales today to be told I am 11 stone!? I am so pissed off with my weight gain and a little worried that I have some kind of thyroid problem.

I am thinking maybe I should do something for my birthday - but what? A meal is a good place to start, maybe just on Penarth Prom and maybe lunch not dinner. We'll see.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Injections

Wow what a busy day! I had my baseline scan today, that's when they check the lining of you uterus is thin enough to start the injections. Last night I had a bit of a meltdown after reading a blog about the injections and, though it has never really worried me until now, I started to get a bit freaked out about the physical pain of the injections. Up to now I have just been worried about the effect of the drugs but now that me having to stick pins in myself is getting a bit closer I am starting to worry more about how I will cope. Anyway I got seen quite quickly at the hospital and they took some pictures of my Uterus and my ovaries; all normal apparently. Before I settled down for the scan the nurse asked me if I had an empty bladder. I said yes but then when she was scanning me she commented that it was quite full. Trouble is it really didn't feel that full to me and even when I went for a pee after the scan not much came out. I wonder if that's because I am so used to holding in wee for hours at a time and is this something I should attempt to change?

After the scan she showed me how to do the injections. They zip through this so quickly and so matter-of-factly; I suppose they are used to showing people several times a day. It was at this point that I began to realise something was amis. The nurse had lined uo 6 vials of the menopur and was telling me how I had to mix all 6 with the 2 ampouls of water/saline/whateveritis. Hmmmmm - 6 Vials? so I inturrupted and said 'erm, so I should have more than just one box of these at home then?'. The answer of course was a big yes, I should have 6 boxes at home, that's 60 Vials for the next 10 days. DOH! The pharmacy at the hospital had only gone and read my prescription incorrectly and given me 10 vials insead of 10 days worth of Menopur. Thankfully they had a record of what they had given me (For a minute I wondered if the nurse might think I was just trying to blag some extra for octomum purposes or maybe to sell on the black market!) and I was able to pop down to the pharmacy and pick up what they owed me.

With that done I went on to work, managed for once to get a parking space, and then spent the rest of the day in a haze because I couldn't think of anything else but doing the injections. It's really hard to concentrate on anything when you have stuff like this lurking in the background or should I say looming in the foreground. I just hope that my work mate doesn't think I am taking the piss. I have acupuncture tomorrow and so that's another day where I will be leaving early. It's also really hard to go about daily stuff because sometimes I just feel like I want to blurt it out to people. Everyone I have lunch with has been commenting on my diet. I suppose when they are used to me eating a certain way and then all of a sudden I change it they are bound to wonder what's up. Today I got lots of comments about the milk I was drinking so in the end I just said 'you all think I am pregnant don't you' and then told them I certainly am not. Sometimes it's hard to keep my mouth shut.

I got home late because I stopped off to buy whole fat milk and a pair of size 14 trousers. Am worried about my weight gain and also the fact that the injections are likely to bloat me. I also bought a whole load of pulses and beans because I need to start making some kinds of high protein chili etc. Need to look it up on the internet. At about quarter past seven I started to prepare all the stuff for the injections. By this point I was basically crapping myself but D was out getting food and I thought it might be best to just get on with it. First I had to do the Suprecor injections which is one simple injection and I managed to do with no trouble at all. Infact it was all pretty exciting and I was really proud of myself. For anyone reading, getting the needle into your flesh is really simple, like a hot knife in butter. Perhaps because it went so well I was being a bit optimistic to think that the second injection of Menopur would be as simple, it was not! Firstly I managed to cut my finger when trying to snap the top off the glass ampoule with the water solution in it (to be mixed with the Manopur) which is something the nurse did when showing me what to do at the hospital. Then I had real trouble getting all the liquid out of the menopur vial. I knew that I had to repeat the drawing up of the liquid 6 times and so started to panic, saying to myself 'it's going wrong, it's going wrong, what do I do' I really was in quite a state. D came up to help me and then because I thought he was doing it wrong to I freaked out at him asking if he really knew what he was doing and getting in more and more of a tizz. Eventually we managed between us to get all the liquid and all the Menopur into the syringe and finally into me! What a palava. I just hope that it gets easier with practice. The getting it into me seems to be the easiest bit, though I am a bit sore where I injected and I can see a small bruise already. I have to alternate sides apparently.        

So that is that, it is done. I am on the road to egg collection. Here's hoping that it all goes ok.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Found my dog on Facebook

Argghh - I just found my ex on Facebook. This is the guy I was with for 12 years and who I split up with 3 and a half years ago when I met D the one I owned a house and a dog with and had to live with for 10 long months while we sorted our stuff out. The one who started drinking more and more and who finally I could live with no more and then along came D. I had the weirdest dream about him last night and so this morning I had a look to see if he'd joined facebook. I do this periodically, usually when I feel guilty about the whole breaking up thing, guilty about having caused him so much pain. Or if I start to think about the dog which he kept and I never get to see. Anyway - so I actively searched for him but he didn't come up. Next I decided to look for some of his closest mates, only to discover that the couple we knew in London who were married and in love have split up! I think that's a good thing as he was a bit of a dick and she, although hugely glamorous and a bit intimidating, was quite a nice person in a dead end marriage with a tosser. Seems like she ran off with a man called Jose. Next I looked at the profiles of some of our mutual friends, the ones I never see any more but have them on my facebook for some reason. There he was! Full name and a picture of the dog on his profile which made me shed a tear. I really bloody miss Devo, he was a brilliant pet and I loved him so much. We did have a deal that if the ex ever needed anyone to look after the dog then he would contact me but in the end he never did and the last time I saw Devo was about 10 days before the house sold.

Ah well, my life is here now but I can't help feeling curious about the person I left behind. Is he OK? Is he happy? Does he have someone he loves? His status says single. He only joined Facebook last week. How odd that I should dream about him and then find him the week he joined. He won't be able to see my profile, or at least not my photos or my profile info because I have always had it locked down pretty tightly. I have just checked to see if friends of friends can see stuff and they can't so I will leave it like that. I don't think I am ready to share my life with my Ex, even after all this time. With a bit of luck he will lock his down too. I'd like to see more pictures of the dog though.

In other news... for some reason today I went into Mothercare!!!!!!!!!!! I was on my way to another shop and passed Mothercare so thought 'what the hell' and wandered in. I looked at pushchairs and prams and specifically at twin buggies. I suppose I am tempting fate and it wouldn't really do to get my hopes up would it? Never before have I even dipped my toe into looking at baby stuff, not for me anyway. Maybe for other people but I've never gone in to one of these places to specifically dream about what I might choose for a baby if I am successful. When I was pregnant last Spring I did buy some maternity jeans and some re-usable nappies on ebay but I wouldn't let myself look at prams and cots. Anyway - it was when I got to the cots and cribs that I realised how serious this all was, when I pushed one of the swinging cribs and for a moment imagined myself doing so with a real live baby! I left pretty sharpish after that and felt embarrassed and stupid for even dreaming it might come true. I get this one chance at IVF and the likelyhood of it working is pretty slim.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

what fresh hell is this?

Firstly Asda are going to be selling fertility drugs blog about it here.  I thought I would link to that blog as it is a good commentry and sums up how I feel. Interesting that Wal-Mart don't do the same in the USA though.

Secondly I stop the pill tomorrow and have my baseline scan on Tuesday. It is all becoming real, this time next week I may well be an expert injector. I am more and more scared as each day goes by. D has given up beer and is generally detoxing, I am trying to be calm and not get stressed in work. My boss has come up with another hairbrained 'let's just chuck them all away' scheme, this time she wants to get rid of the Welsh language magazines because they are on a really high shelf and it's a health and safety issue. WTF? Her second idea was that we hide them in the vinyl room, also at a dangerous height but that will be ok because the danger won't be obvious and anyway who cares if the danger would effect just me?! Anyway - this means that I will be climbing ladders and reaching high spaces in the next few days while we re-locate the magazines. I guess it will be a distraction for me, I must get it all done before I start the treatment as I don't want to be risking anything bad happening on my 2WW.

Thirdly - what if my sister gets pregnant before me? This thought seems to be entering my head a little too often lately. I am on high alert for every facebook status she and her bloke make and ready to read all sorts into whatever they say. Today for example she sent me a message telling me that they had got the house they have applied to rent. Good news, only I then noticed that he had written 'Way hay' on his status and then when someone commented he had followed it up with 'YEAH, its not quite the biggest 'Way Hay!@ thats still to come :)' which just made me think he is talking about her being pregnant. So starts all the 'what if she's pregnant, how will she tell me, please don't let them come here and tell me, please let them tell me in an email' sort've stuff.  I know that I will be really hit hard if they announce a pregnancy. I know that sounds mean but I just know that it will hit me really hard and I am begining to wonder if they will know how to handle it in the right way. Is there even a 'right way' and do I actually think the right way would be for me to get pregnant first and then them? Sure I do.

I want to be able to talk to her about it, to explain that if they do get pregnant I really would rather they tell me in an email than rock up here all happy and excited to tell me about it in person because that would be my absolute worst nightmare. How do I tell them though?