Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Starting to get scared

I am beginning to feel a little apprehensive about the treatment. In 14 days I will be having a scan and will then be shown how to do the injections. I am mostly worried about what effect those injections migh have on me, how I will deal with possibile mood swings as well as what could be physical pain from my ovaries going into overdrive. There's a small risk that I could suffer from Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome which is something I really hope doesn't happen because SIL had to have a treatment cycle halted because of it. Am used to being on a very low dose of Clomid but they have put me on the highest possible dose of Menopur for this because my AMH was so low. They have warned me that it might be that I just don't produce enough follicles for IVF and so I have that to worry about too. Am ok about the injections I think, what else can I do but accept that I am going to have to do them to get the desired result. However there are so many things which could stop me from having the IVF. The drugs might not work, the drugs might work too well, the follicles may not produce good quality eggs, the sperm might not fertilise the eggs etc etc. D is having a repeat sperm test but not until the day I go for the bass-line scan. I had faxed and xalled them to ask if they had managed to locate the missing sperm test and got a call back suggesting he do another. I know his GP told him the results were 'satisfactory' but the fact that neither of us nor IVF Wales have seen the results is a bit of a worry.

I have asked D a few times to please think about cutting out bad stuff (Beer etc) for at least a week before the egg/sperm collection to give us the best chance. He says 'yeah yeah' but I don't sense much commitment from him to be honest and I do think it's the least I can ask considering the amount of crap I am going to have to go through. He says he is taking his berocca every day but I think he could be doing more, particularly RE taking Zinc. I am on a big Diet and trying to eat healthily and he is jut getting fatter. It scares me to think that I might go through all this and still not get pregnant. I suppose that's what scares me most but I know I am supposed to remain positive as that is a good thing to do - they say to visualise a baby growing etc, to be hopeful. Sometimes it is so hard to.

I read every day about people I know getting pregnant with ease and it makes me feel more and more upset. Read the other day that SIL (not the one who is having fertility treatment) is trying for a baby and she feels sad and frustrated as so far she has had no success. She feels sad for not providing a sibling for her daughter who is now 16 months old. I know I should sympathise, perhaps I should even mail her to say I have read it (We use the same forum unfortunately) and to give her support. However I do still get that 'you should count yourself lucky that you at least have one child' feeling and start to feel annoyed that she could dare to feel upset. Of course it must be upsetting and of course I am just being a bitter old cow but it still pisses me off that I have to read it. If I were to post exactly how I felt on that forum I can imagine our next get-to-gether would be a frosty one. I can't and I wont.

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