I woke up this morning and logged onto mumsnet, clicked on to 'threads I'm on' and immediately noticed my sister's name in a thread I had posted on. I know her user name because I introduced her to mumsnet when she was asking me for advice about TTC. I said that getting support from people in similar situations was really worthwhile. I really wish I didn't know her username.
Why? Because this is what is going to happen. After only a few months of 'not trying to not get pregnant' my sister is going to discover that at the age of 42 she has managed to get pregnant naturally and almost without trying. She is going to come and tell me in person and I am going to cry. I am then going to go into the worst depression I have ever experienced and the whole thing is going to be so hard on me. My sister, not having experienced the pain of infertility will think that she is bringing me good news. My friends and Family, not having experienced the pain of infertility will say 'see... it gives you hope doesn't it?' and I am going to fall apart.
I am trying not to think about all of this but now that my sister is using mumsnet to talk about her attempts I am going to know more than I really need to know about her efforts to get pregnant. I know that it was me who told her to start trying straight away, me who told her where to post and what tests to ask for, me who encouraged her. Thing is, I didn't really realise until now how deeply she was into this. I thought she was musing, just thinking about it. The reality has hit me. I just know that my Sister will manage to get pregnant and then my SIL will get pregnant with her second and where will I be. Sat here crying continuously about how shit my life is and feeling more and more alienated from my family. My life will be ruined.
It doesn't give me hope. Other old people getting pregnant while hardly trying is no hope to someone who is just as old and who has been trying without success for two and a half years. All it does is make you more and more bitter.
I just want to say - incase someone who is about to announce a pregnancy is reading it. Don't tell me face to face, I beg you. Tell me in an email and put something in there about how you realise this might be hard for me and so you understand if I don't get in touch. Please please don't tell me until after I have had the IVF and until a long time after I have had my results. Please don't speak to me in person. if you are having your second child then it's no big deal so please don't gather all the family together to make an announcement.Finally - please be aware that like it or not this will change our relationship for ever.