Saturday, February 20, 2010

It should be me

So, not only is D's 'best female friend' pregnant but just been told that another woman (V) from his circle of friends is pregnant. 16 weeks. So this means she would have known when we all went out for her birthday meal and so yet another penny drops about the weird atmosphere that night. Everyone wanted to suddenly talk to me openly about my IVF (The appeal had just come through and we'd just come back from the planning appointment) and I remember Vic looking at me with such sympathy in her eyes. At least they are all getting it out of the way at the same time. This latest pregnancy hurts a bit because last April we were all at a wedding together and her boyfriend made a joke about how everyone would be having babies next and that he and Vic were going to beat us to us, that the challenge was on. Little did he know that D and I had already been trying for several months and little did I know that I was actually pregnant at the wedding. Of course, I went on to lose that pregnancy and 10 months later I am still trying. I don't suppose that any of the other 'girls' will even be aware of my significant anniversaries, why should they be.

I wonder when V will tell us in person. It was D's brother who told us.

I should have a one month old baby by now.


Once again I have let  all that up there bother me. I feel so incredibly down right now. I am also worrying about my weight gain, I am heavier than I have ever been and I wonder if I have a thyroid problem and then that gets me to wondering if it may have some effect on me trying to conceive even with the IVF. Then it gets me to worrying about what if the IVF doesn't work, and lets face it the chances that it will are just so small that it probably won't.

I feel so sad yet I know I have to drag myself out of this or else I will be full of negativity. Silly me, I am also worrying about my 'bad Qi' - well the accupuncturist has told me that my Qi needs sorting and I can only assume it is bad Qi because I am so negative.
D is going to do another Sperm test as the last one is so old. I went out with some old friends from Waterstone's days and told them about the IVF. One of them said that she had real trouble conceiving and did I remember that she used to cry all the time - that it was because she tried for 2 years. She finally got pregnant after visiting a herbalist. Nice to now it does work, perhaps I should get myself to see one, though it would all be a little pointless now I suppose.

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