Thursday, February 04, 2010

Do you mind?

My sister is 42 this year and has recently allowed herself to think about the possibility of having children. She has a new (lovely) man for whom she left her husbad. D, the husband, was an ok guy. By that I mean I always liked spending time with him though that did change the day my sister told me he had physically stopped her leaving the house by taking her keys and holding her up against the wall. After that, though I still liked him, I was worried that other stuff was going on that she was too scared to tell me about. So, last summer, my sister met this new man. Actually he is someone we knew as kids. She finally left D and is still going through all the upheaval it caused but she is happier and she has realised that the whole time she was with D she felt like she couldn't have children because of his bi-polar. Now it's all different. So she has very quickly gone from talking about maybe having kids to visiting the doctor for all the fertility tests. She called me earlier today to let me know that her tests all came back ok. The only ones she has not had is the 21 day test and the AMH test but so far everything is looking great for her fertility. Over the last few weeks I have advised her and helped her make sense of all the things I have learned over the last 2 and a half years. I am now seeing her become more and more obsessed by it, I have had the emails from her about how her period has arrived and conversations about IVF and IUI and I have told her what to ask for at the doctors.

Then, this evening she called me again and asked me if I was ok with her telling me all that stuff about the results and about her talking about babies in general. So I was honest and said the only thing that really worries me is if she gets pregnant and I don't. I said that I really am so close to her that I feel I can say anything to her about the way I feel but that if she has a baby and I don't then it will be really hard. I am actually quite scared.

On the one hand I feel like I can help her with so much because I have learned all about fertility issues in the last couple of years or so, and I feel like I can support her emotionally and empathise with her. On the other I feel drained by the thought that she might be successful when I might fail. It's not at all that I don't want her to be, it will be wonderful - for her. I just know that it will be so hard for me, that I will start that crying all the time stuff, that I will wallow. I dread the day she tells me she is pregnant. SoI just hope that we both manage it. I really don't know what I will do. Though that makes me scared about the IVF - there is such a low chance of it working and I really don't know if I am properly prepared for it.

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