Friday, February 26, 2010

bad timing

I had an email from my brother last night, asking me what I was planning to do for my birthday as they are planning on coming down for the Easter bank holiday. It will be my 40th birthday on April 4th and so my plan was to try to ignore it and pretend it isn't happening. When I got pregnant last year I was so happy because a January birth would have meant that I managed to have a baby before I was 40. So with the miscarriage and having to wait at least 2 cycles before trying again it meant for sure that there was no way I was going to push one out before 40. So the vague plan was that I was going to take D to Ireland to see my dad's house and that way I could celebrate my life supposedly begining in a place I knew would chill me out. In the end though the IVF got scheduled for the end of March and that put the kybosh on the Ireland trip. At first we just weren't sure when it would be so we just couldn't plan anything like booking flights, then they told us I had to have it done before I was 40 and so we assumed it might be done March/April time and then they gave us the date and so I knew flying so soon after and travelling might not be a good idea. This also means that just as I am passing 40 I will also be finding out if the IVF has been successful so there is potential for it to be the best or the worst 40th birthday ever which if it is the worst is pretty much what I was hoping to avoid.

Back to my brother, last time he and SIL and their baby came down to stay I was absolutely convinced they were coming down to announce a second pregnancy. I told anyone who would listen that there was no way I would be attending any kind of family dinner or get-together because I didn't want to be in a situation where I had to put on a painted smile or sneak off outside for a cry. In the end I spontaniously did call in to see them and then met up with them the next day and although it was weird in that way things are when the connection you have with someone dear is lost forever, it was ok. Afterwards I sent my brother a text to say if it ever got too much staying with my mum then they were always welcome at mine. I don't know why, maybe I wanted to try to reach out, maybe I thought it was just a nice thing to do. Needless to say my brother didn't even text me back though we might have spoken about it once on the telephone a bit later. So, I am really super aware now that I have offered them a place to stay but if they do I will be in my two week wait and if my period comes early then I will not be in a good place. On the one hand I am thinking the destraction might be good, on the other I just don't know if I can stomach all the baby stuff going on around me at what might be a difficult time. Maybe they have forgotten that I offered?


An update on yesterday. I apologised to D but also sat him down and talked to him about how scared I am starting to feel and how much I need his support. I cried. He has promised to go tee-total from Monday. Meanwhile I have been watching scary videos on youtube about menopur injections.

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