Sunday, February 28, 2010

somethings really bother me

My SIL joined a group on facebook today it's a count the kicks campaign, basically to highlight the need to be aware and make health professionals aware of when a baby stops moving so much in the womb as it can be a sign something is wrong. Thing is there are actual pictures of a dead baby on there and though I know it's up to people what groups they join (and to some extent create) I find it all reather mawkish. I feel terrible saying it because I can't imagine the pain a mum must feel to lose a baby late in pregnancy but on the other hand I do know how it feels to miscarry and even I would not want to make a facebook group about my miscarriage.

The other thing is The Mumsnet Miscarriage campaign which although I think is in some parts a good thing I do have reservations about. Part of it is about having separate units for scanning people with missed miscarriage. At the moment if you miscarry it is likely you will be sent to the Early pregnancy unit for scans and care which puts you into a situation where you will see lots of mums with bumps and successful pregnancies. Thing is, I personally think splitting the care will damage the care. Resources will be stretched and it may result in people having miscarriages getting substandard care. I also think that even as someone who has had a miscarriage and who has ended up in a waiting room with lots of happy pregnant women I shouldn't neccessarily expect the NHS to pull out all the stops and limited resources so I don't get offended or upset. Lets face it, having a miscarriage is already hugely upsetting, how can it get worse by having to see other pregnant women, that's just unavoidable IMO.

Perhaps I am being hard?

Friday, February 26, 2010

bad timing

I had an email from my brother last night, asking me what I was planning to do for my birthday as they are planning on coming down for the Easter bank holiday. It will be my 40th birthday on April 4th and so my plan was to try to ignore it and pretend it isn't happening. When I got pregnant last year I was so happy because a January birth would have meant that I managed to have a baby before I was 40. So with the miscarriage and having to wait at least 2 cycles before trying again it meant for sure that there was no way I was going to push one out before 40. So the vague plan was that I was going to take D to Ireland to see my dad's house and that way I could celebrate my life supposedly begining in a place I knew would chill me out. In the end though the IVF got scheduled for the end of March and that put the kybosh on the Ireland trip. At first we just weren't sure when it would be so we just couldn't plan anything like booking flights, then they told us I had to have it done before I was 40 and so we assumed it might be done March/April time and then they gave us the date and so I knew flying so soon after and travelling might not be a good idea. This also means that just as I am passing 40 I will also be finding out if the IVF has been successful so there is potential for it to be the best or the worst 40th birthday ever which if it is the worst is pretty much what I was hoping to avoid.

Back to my brother, last time he and SIL and their baby came down to stay I was absolutely convinced they were coming down to announce a second pregnancy. I told anyone who would listen that there was no way I would be attending any kind of family dinner or get-together because I didn't want to be in a situation where I had to put on a painted smile or sneak off outside for a cry. In the end I spontaniously did call in to see them and then met up with them the next day and although it was weird in that way things are when the connection you have with someone dear is lost forever, it was ok. Afterwards I sent my brother a text to say if it ever got too much staying with my mum then they were always welcome at mine. I don't know why, maybe I wanted to try to reach out, maybe I thought it was just a nice thing to do. Needless to say my brother didn't even text me back though we might have spoken about it once on the telephone a bit later. So, I am really super aware now that I have offered them a place to stay but if they do I will be in my two week wait and if my period comes early then I will not be in a good place. On the one hand I am thinking the destraction might be good, on the other I just don't know if I can stomach all the baby stuff going on around me at what might be a difficult time. Maybe they have forgotten that I offered?

Gah!

An update on yesterday. I apologised to D but also sat him down and talked to him about how scared I am starting to feel and how much I need his support. I cried. He has promised to go tee-total from Monday. Meanwhile I have been watching scary videos on youtube about menopur injections.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

support me dammit.

I'm feeling pissed off. D said I have rained on his parade. Reason is that this morning he rang me to tell me that some guy who got him into the rugby (and got him pissed) a couple of weeks ago, on some corporate jaunt including a meet and greet and fancy food at a hotel, and who said that they should 'go out and do it properly again… well this some guy has managed to get him tickets for tomorrow's game against France. He called me this morning to tell me and I am afraid that after saying that it was cool and great and 'wow' and that stuff, I asked 'it won't be like a big drink thing will it'. This is because I suppose I feel really pissed off that the last few weeks I have really thrown myself into trying to get myself into good shape for the IVF while he seems to just be carrying on as normal. Plus all this week he has been pretty hard to live with because all he has been doing is moaning and getting fed up with work.


I guess I feel quite unsupported and I think at the very least he could try to get himself into a bit of shape, or his sperms into a bit of shape, so that we stand the best shot for this IVF.

I have apologised for raining on his parade but I am jealous and annoyed that he is carrying on living his life without even giving me any encouragement about the changes I am making and without trying to do the same. I need to sit down with him and explain that the resentment about this will only get worse and that he really needs to make more of an effort.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Starting to get scared

I am beginning to feel a little apprehensive about the treatment. In 14 days I will be having a scan and will then be shown how to do the injections. I am mostly worried about what effect those injections migh have on me, how I will deal with possibile mood swings as well as what could be physical pain from my ovaries going into overdrive. There's a small risk that I could suffer from Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome which is something I really hope doesn't happen because SIL had to have a treatment cycle halted because of it. Am used to being on a very low dose of Clomid but they have put me on the highest possible dose of Menopur for this because my AMH was so low. They have warned me that it might be that I just don't produce enough follicles for IVF and so I have that to worry about too. Am ok about the injections I think, what else can I do but accept that I am going to have to do them to get the desired result. However there are so many things which could stop me from having the IVF. The drugs might not work, the drugs might work too well, the follicles may not produce good quality eggs, the sperm might not fertilise the eggs etc etc. D is having a repeat sperm test but not until the day I go for the bass-line scan. I had faxed and xalled them to ask if they had managed to locate the missing sperm test and got a call back suggesting he do another. I know his GP told him the results were 'satisfactory' but the fact that neither of us nor IVF Wales have seen the results is a bit of a worry.


I have asked D a few times to please think about cutting out bad stuff (Beer etc) for at least a week before the egg/sperm collection to give us the best chance. He says 'yeah yeah' but I don't sense much commitment from him to be honest and I do think it's the least I can ask considering the amount of crap I am going to have to go through. He says he is taking his berocca every day but I think he could be doing more, particularly RE taking Zinc. I am on a big Diet and trying to eat healthily and he is jut getting fatter. It scares me to think that I might go through all this and still not get pregnant. I suppose that's what scares me most but I know I am supposed to remain positive as that is a good thing to do - they say to visualise a baby growing etc, to be hopeful. Sometimes it is so hard to.

I read every day about people I know getting pregnant with ease and it makes me feel more and more upset. Read the other day that SIL (not the one who is having fertility treatment) is trying for a baby and she feels sad and frustrated as so far she has had no success. She feels sad for not providing a sibling for her daughter who is now 16 months old. I know I should sympathise, perhaps I should even mail her to say I have read it (We use the same forum unfortunately) and to give her support. However I do still get that 'you should count yourself lucky that you at least have one child' feeling and start to feel annoyed that she could dare to feel upset. Of course it must be upsetting and of course I am just being a bitter old cow but it still pisses me off that I have to read it. If I were to post exactly how I felt on that forum I can imagine our next get-to-gether would be a frosty one. I can't and I wont.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Food glorious food

I am going to try to list everything I eat and drink from now on just so I can leep an eye on any bad habits creeping in.

so today I had (will edit as I go along)

Monday:

3 pork Scratchings (from an old opened packet in the kitchen, I couldn't resist)
Porridge with Almonds and Honey
glass of water
wheatgrass in fruit juice
5 hazelnuts
3 dried apricots
An orange
3 cups of licorice tea
An Apple
2 figs
roast sweet potato, swede, carrot and squash
3 mackerel fillets
one egg
2 litres of water throughout the day
I cup of decaf-coffee with one sugar because I am fed up with drinking stuff I hate
1 penguin chocolate bar  - The woman I work with forced it on me
Steak, mushrooms, new potatoes, sprouts and broccoli stalks
a glass of orange squash


Tuesday:

Wheatgrass in juice
Cornflakes with mikl
Licorice tea
Glass of water
Fruit nuts and seeds
an apple
a pair
2 figs and 3 apricots
Roasted swede, carrot, sweet potatoes and squash
fillet of Salmon
2 litres of water through the day
1 Licorice tea and 1 decaf coffee
Beanburger and chips (Didn't eat the bread)
Glass of pear juice

Wednesday:

Wheatgrass in juice
Porridge with honey
5 Brazil nuts
4 apricots
Jacket potato with beans and cheese
Jacket potato with cheese
glass of orange juice
1.5 litres of water
a decaf coffee
Noodles with cheese
A pear.

Thursday:

Cornflakes
Wheatgrass in juice
2 pears
An apple
3 figs
5 Brazil nuts
Lentil, sweet potato, carrot and swede soup
2 eggs
1.5 litres of water

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Things I will never do if I get pregnant and have a baby...

1. I will never put a picture of my scan or a picture of my baby up as my profile picture on Facebook.

2. I will never have a naming ceremony.

3. Call my baby little man or princess or bubba

4. Have a baby on board sign

It should be me

So, not only is D's 'best female friend' pregnant but just been told that another woman (V) from his circle of friends is pregnant. 16 weeks. So this means she would have known when we all went out for her birthday meal and so yet another penny drops about the weird atmosphere that night. Everyone wanted to suddenly talk to me openly about my IVF (The appeal had just come through and we'd just come back from the planning appointment) and I remember Vic looking at me with such sympathy in her eyes. At least they are all getting it out of the way at the same time. This latest pregnancy hurts a bit because last April we were all at a wedding together and her boyfriend made a joke about how everyone would be having babies next and that he and Vic were going to beat us to us, that the challenge was on. Little did he know that D and I had already been trying for several months and little did I know that I was actually pregnant at the wedding. Of course, I went on to lose that pregnancy and 10 months later I am still trying. I don't suppose that any of the other 'girls' will even be aware of my significant anniversaries, why should they be.

I wonder when V will tell us in person. It was D's brother who told us.

I should have a one month old baby by now.

LATER:

Once again I have let  all that up there bother me. I feel so incredibly down right now. I am also worrying about my weight gain, I am heavier than I have ever been and I wonder if I have a thyroid problem and then that gets me to wondering if it may have some effect on me trying to conceive even with the IVF. Then it gets me to worrying about what if the IVF doesn't work, and lets face it the chances that it will are just so small that it probably won't.

I feel so sad yet I know I have to drag myself out of this or else I will be full of negativity. Silly me, I am also worrying about my 'bad Qi' - well the accupuncturist has told me that my Qi needs sorting and I can only assume it is bad Qi because I am so negative.
D is going to do another Sperm test as the last one is so old. I went out with some old friends from Waterstone's days and told them about the IVF. One of them said that she had real trouble conceiving and did I remember that she used to cry all the time - that it was because she tried for 2 years. She finally got pregnant after visiting a herbalist. Nice to now it does work, perhaps I should get myself to see one, though it would all be a little pointless now I suppose.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

sperm

I am worrying, probably uneccesarily, about the Sperm test D had. I was shocked to find out at the treatment planning that he had it done in 2008 so really a very long time ago. Also, at the treatment planning they were unable to find any record of his test even though it was done at the hospital. It was his GP who gave him the results, not the IVF clinic, so I wonder if it's actually ever been seen or analysed at IVF Wales? When we were talking to the consultant he asked for D's results but didn't manage to get a hold of a copy even though he made calls to the department who does them. Then there was a moment when he asked D if there was any issue with his sperm to which D responded 'no' and mentioned that after all he had managed to get me pregnant last April! Like that is proof of anything, a miscarriage - once!


So I have called IVF Wales and left a message on their answer machine. I never seem to get to speak to someone in person despite all the stuff they told me about being able to talk to a nurse at any time. I have also asked Dale to get in touch with his GP.

Talking of Sperm, my sister's partner has had his back - Normal. Why do other people get told 'normal' and we get 'satisfactory'?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Housework

deleted.

Monday, February 15, 2010

barren blog

I can't remember if I said? The woman who was writing this blog has finally got pregnant after four years and one IVF. I am so pleased for her as I absolutely love every word of her blog and I am just so happy to read a positive story from someone who writes in such an entertaining and real way.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Infertility and Abortion

I have just decided to delete a blog from my list - it's this one. Sad really, but I felt that I couldn't really continue to have a blog on my list which would post something like that. I am pro choice and I always will be. Not just because I had to make that choice myself in a past life but also because I don't think that there is a natural link between infertililty and being anti-abortion. I know a lot of people who feel that abortion is wrong and that it is so unfair that some people are struggling to conceive while others are terminating pregnancies. My opinion is that what is most important is personal choice and the difficult decision by someone else to terminate a pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with another person's infertility troubles. Just as my own termination 14 years ago has nothing to do with my difficulties now. That was then, this is now; the two are not connected. it was another life in another time.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Wheatgrass adventures

I picked up my Wheatgrass from the Post office today. I wasn't expecting it to be so green! When I put it into a big cup of water (I don't fancy doing a shot) it was like that old powdered paint you'd get in school but not as nice smelling. I think that my nose and eyes convinced me it was going to taste bloody awful but considering the terrible reviews I have read on the internet it wasn't too bad. Perhaps the Nettle tea I have been drinking has toughened up my taste buds. However, it does seem to settle at the bottom so maybe shots followed by a big glass of water is the best way to do it.


As you can see I am going all out for this IVF stuff. It may seem utterly ridiculous that I am changing the way I do everything because IVF is imminent particularly as I never tried any of this stuff in the last 2 years of trying. Still, I only really have this one chance and I will be 40 in April so I just want to do what I can to make it work and if it doesn't then at least I know I tried.

Am not sure if it was the wheatgrass or something else but I drove to a friend's house for lunch today and as I was parking I farted. When I got back into the car an hour later the smell was still there! Now that's impressive.



Tonight we are off to see Midlake in Bristol. Dale is not a fan but I was listening to the album earlier and I am so excited.


 
More later....

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Acupuncture, poisoning my husband, and 'sick' leave

I really want to have faith in my acupuncturist but I am such a cynic. I was there for over 2 hours and most of it was talking about my periods and my health, including my mental health and my relationship. Then she looked at my tongue (About 6 times) and drew a little diagram before telling me my tongue was very dry. I had just spent ages telling her that I drink lots of water now but obviously from my tongue it must seem that I don't - but I do! She went to get me some water - I wonder if it was really bad? After that I had to lie down while she stuck 2 pins into my shins (you could say I paid £30 a pin!!) and asking me what I could feel. It was like a cramping feeling for just a second or two and then nothing. Infact I am not really sure when she put the pins in!

Then she left me for 10 minutes. Why do I find it so hard to relax? She took my pulse several times and I just lay there feeling a bit stupid and wondering if I should talk or ask questions. It was pretty much the same as reflexology in that I became uber-aware of my breathing and there was nothing natural about it at all. I looked at the charts on the wall for a while, and then the trees out the window and thought about how silly it all was. Of course I then became really aware that I wasn't remotely relaxed and I could see the clock and knew I was going to be really late for work.

After that she asked me to step down and I asked her what she could see from doing that. She says I have 'dampness' and that she needs to work on my liver and spleen first and then hopefully encourage better blood circulation. Her advice was to swap cornflakes for porridge; I wonder if Oats will be ok as it's such a faff cooking it. Also she suggested I put a few raisins in the porrige - YUK! I won't be doing that as heated up raisins make me puke!

On my way back to work I nipped in to Tesco and bought organic oats and more herbal teas. Then it tookme over half an hour to park as all the work spaces were gone which really stressed me out and now I am 'illegally' parked!

I found this about acupuncture and fertility. How funny that they say "indulging in excessive sex usually damages kidney-qi. When this happens, there will be inadequate essence to produce tian-gui regularly, which leads to a deficiency in the Conception and Thoroughfare Vessels" maybe that is our problem? Har Har.

I suppose what makes me cynical is that everything she said to me about spleen and liver I was able to find on the internet so what if she doesn't know what she is doing and is just going from what she's been told might be a common reason for infertility? Well... we will see eh. I am going to book to go back in next week.

On a positive note I am allowed to have the IVF days off as 'sick' leave.

In other news I made a curry last night and put a whole load of Quinola in it. Apparently it's a really good source of protein. D didn't like it - although it tasted of nothing he just didn't like the look or texture of it. A few hours later he started getting the shits really badly, or at least that's what he said. First I really knew about it was when he woke me up with his snoring and I put my hand out to nudge him only to find he wasn't there but in the spare room. YES he managed to wake me up with his snoring from the spare room! So I went in to ask why he was there and he said the Quinola had given him the shits and did I wash it because the internet says if you don't then you get the runs!  He is making a massive big deal about it and Ihave even had comments from his mum about how she hopes I haven't poisoned him. Well... it's had the opposite effect on me and I am constipated so perhaps it's the steak and beer he had in Leeds? Dodgy pint anyone!?


Tuesday, February 09, 2010

telling work

It's 28 days until my baseline scan. That's a month, give or take a few days. In a month I might be able to lose about 8 ibs if I wanted to but with the extra eggs and nuts I am eating I wonder if this is possible. Not that weight loss is that important to me at this stage but I would like to maybe go back down to 10 stone and losing 8 lbs would do that. Might start cycling if the weather stays ok.

 Anyhoo - I have 28 days until the baseline scan and then another 12 days after that until the egg collection. So in total I have 40 days in which to get my body and my eggs into some kind of decent shape - is this possible? If I don't drink between now and then and just eat good stuff then surely I am at least giving myself a chance?

I mailed my boss today:

I just wanted to let you know that near the end of March (22nd) I am going into hospital for a small procedure. I have booked that day and the next off and also a couple of days off at the end of that week because I will need to go back in for check ups.


I wasn't sure what the policy was RE absence for hospital appointments/visits (I looked on gateway and can't find anything) so I have just booked the time off. If there is a policy for pre-arranged hospital visits and sick leave could you let me know?


It should all be pretty straight forward but there's a very small chance that the dates for the check up may change so if possible could these days off be a bit flexible - ie I might cancel one day and book another instead? I have discussed all this with Lis and she is happy to cover if there are other people off. Unfortunately this has all come at the end of the holiday year so I know there may be other cover issues in the department but I am unable to change the date of the procedure.
Also I am going to have to take medication leading up to and during the procedure which shouldn't have any adverse effects but can do in a small minority of patients.


Hopefully I will be one of the majority who are fine.
Hope this is all ok?

and received a typical reply:

You might want to check this out with HR - find out what usually happens in similar situations and we'll take it from there?

Incidentally - we don't really get on me and her. I have never warmed to her and she responds to emails with one word answers a lot of the time which really pisses me off. I can imagine if I had been truthful about the the IVF and put my heart and soul into the email, she probably would have responded with 'ok'. Anyway - I think I was vague enough but detailed enough about the situation. I don't want to tell her that it's IVF but I do want to get what I am entitled to. I know that there are other people in the department who have had time off for hospital visits and so really she must have some idea of the way the system works. I have emailed HR anyway so hope they get back to me.

This story fertile forties on the BBC website made me let out a hollow laugh. If only I had to worry about this kind of thing.

and this made me laugh

Monday, February 08, 2010

"going through IVF must be one of the most emotional rollercoaster rides"

"incidentally, i know someone who has had 2 failed IVF attempts, and had pretty much given up trying to get pregnant after 5 years so decided to adopt. the week she sent off for all the information packs she fell pregnant (she's still planning to adopt at the same time)"

This was posted by someone I know on a forum I visit. It came up because afore mentioned person is pregnant (naturally after trying for a matter of weeks) and has been posting obsessively about it ever since she announced it.

She shows that she has never been through the pain of infertility and that she completely lacks any understanding of the process involved. She trots out her little statement about how much of an emotional rollercoaster IVF must be while clearly demonstrating that she is unaware that actually the pain of the two years before IVF is the bit which fucks you over completly. I personally am quite over the moon about the fact that I am finally getting IVF. Not that I think it will be a pain free process of course. No one wants to pump their body full of hormones and have someone go rooting about in their box but I can see a bit of a light now. I know it may not work and I know there may be more heartache afterwards but it's a long hard road to get to this point and it's not all about playing hide the sausage and having a laugh.

Then of course she has to post her lovely little story which all us IVFers get to hear at least once if not 10 times, about how they know someone who just happened to get pregnant at the point they decided on adoption and that of course it was probably because they relaxed a bit, the silly uptight things.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

So here's what's going to happen

I woke up this morning and logged onto mumsnet, clicked on to 'threads I'm on' and immediately noticed my sister's name in a thread I had posted on. I know her user name because I introduced her to mumsnet when she was asking me for advice about TTC. I said that getting support from people in similar situations was really worthwhile. I really wish I didn't know her username.

Why? Because this is what is going to happen. After only a few months of 'not trying to not get pregnant' my sister is going to discover that at the age of 42 she has managed to get pregnant naturally and almost without trying. She is going to come and tell me in person and I am going to cry. I am then going to go into the worst depression I have ever experienced and the whole thing is going to be so hard on me. My sister, not having experienced the pain of infertility will think that she is bringing me good news. My friends and Family, not having experienced the pain of infertility will say 'see... it gives you hope doesn't it?' and I am going to fall apart.

I am trying not to think about all of this but now that my sister is using mumsnet to talk about her attempts I am going to know more than I really need to know about her efforts to get pregnant. I know that it was me who told her to start trying straight away, me who told her where to post and what tests to ask for, me who encouraged her. Thing is, I didn't really realise until now how deeply she was into this. I thought she was musing, just thinking about it. The reality has hit me. I just know that my Sister will manage to get pregnant and then my SIL will get pregnant with her second and where will I be. Sat here crying continuously about how shit my life is and feeling more and more alienated from my family. My life will be ruined.

It doesn't give me hope. Other old people getting pregnant while hardly trying is no hope to someone who is just as old and who has been trying without success for two and a half years. All it does is make you more and more bitter.

I just want to say - incase someone who is about to announce a pregnancy is reading it. Don't tell me face to face, I beg you. Tell me in an email and put something in there about how you realise this might be hard for me and so you understand if I don't get in touch. Please please don't tell me until after I have had the IVF and until a long time after I have had my results. Please don't speak to me in person. if you are having your second child then it's no big deal so please don't gather all the family together to make an announcement.Finally - please be aware that like it or not this will change our relationship for ever.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Eggs

I am about to eat my 5th egg of the week. Lucky for me I like eggs. When I was growing up the view was that more than 2 eggs a week was unhealthy; that's been revised now which is handy as one of the things I have been told about preparing for IVF is that you need to up your protein. So I have been boiling eggs, scoffing nuts and stocking up on Salmon. My period has still not come and so really I haven't yet started the whole IVF thing, I feel like I will only properly start when I go back on the pill. They estimated that my period would come on the 4th, it's now the 6th and still no sign. I have, instead, had a nice bout of thrush. Last night I did the old yoghurt on a tampon trick and it feels a lot better but time will tell. I also did another pregnancy test this morning. Despite vowing that I wouldn't buy any more tests, because I didn't want any in the house when going through IVF, naturally I found myself in the test aisle in Tesco last night and before I knew it there I was at the checkout buying two of the buggers. This morning's test was naturally negative so I have one test left which I will probably do on Monday if my period hasn't arrived by then. I am only on CD 27 but as last month's cycle was only 22 days and I am averaging about 25 days I count myself officially late. Last time I got pregnant I only got a positive test on day 30 and so of course a little bit of me is thinking perhaps I am. Though I remind myself that last time I got pregnant I miscarried and so if I do get a positive test it's probably likely that it's not going to stick anyway. If I am pregnant then I lose my free IVF chance; being pregnant would take me past the 40th Birthday rule and so if I were to then miscarry it would be a little bit of a disaster...so... is it wrong that I hope I am not?

I have been reading a blog Here which is brilliant. Her last post was her egg collection in December. I really hope that the reason she hasn't posted since is because she is pregnant.Perhaps like me she is worried that people she knows read her blog and so she doesn't want to post until she's past the 12 weeks? Fingers crossed for her anyway.



LATER:
I spent today meeting up with first my sister and then my friend R, the one who had the baby in October. My sister arrived in the morning and her first words to me were about egg white cervical mucus. Could I tell her what it should look like, or more to the point was the mucus she graphically described the kind of mucus she should expect when ovulating. I thought the best way to show her was to google for one of those pictures where someone is stretching it between their finger and thumb - so I did. Apparently that's what she had. I know this because she told me, just before telling me that she and T had sext wice last night. Wonderful. We are close but I really don't need to know that to be honest. Come back to me when sex becomes a chore and then we can talk about it. Nor do I really enjoy being the font of all fertiliity related knowledge.  Ok, so I don't mind sharing my experience or directing her to the right pages on the internet but I just don't like this latest development where fertility becomes the one and only topic of conversations, well that and her ranting at me about her work.

Everyone seems to have this idea that all I want to talk about is my fertility, or lack of it. Well... everyone who knows about my infertility, well... everyone who knows about my infertility and knows I know that they know about my infertility. There are of course several people who do know but who don't talk to me about it at all, though I have no doubt they do talk about it - just not to me. The truth is that I do spend a lot of time thinking about my infertility, today for example it's been just about all I have talked about. I think that when R is merrily blabbing away about her baby there's a terrible urge inside of me to make her stop and talking about my latest attempts to get pregnant is one way to do it. For example when she is talking about the lovely baby clothes she bought from the NTC sale for T, I will witter back about the diet I am trying to follow to prepare me for IVF. When she talks about how G is at home with T and she doubts T has stopped crying all day because he wants her, I tell her I got my period today and so went back on the pill. We bat back and fore this way until our coffee is drunk and then we hug and go our separate ways. I love R to bits and I know I can talk to her about anything.  She seems a lot happier anyway and not as stressed out about her MIL and her relationship with G.

Oh yes, my period. Just after my sister arrived I went to the toilet and said out loud 'Come on Period!' then wiped and there it was. Who said that positive thinking doesn't work? So now I am on the pill again for the first time in over 2 and a half years. How strange.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Do you mind?

My sister is 42 this year and has recently allowed herself to think about the possibility of having children. She has a new (lovely) man for whom she left her husbad. D, the husband, was an ok guy. By that I mean I always liked spending time with him though that did change the day my sister told me he had physically stopped her leaving the house by taking her keys and holding her up against the wall. After that, though I still liked him, I was worried that other stuff was going on that she was too scared to tell me about. So, last summer, my sister met this new man. Actually he is someone we knew as kids. She finally left D and is still going through all the upheaval it caused but she is happier and she has realised that the whole time she was with D she felt like she couldn't have children because of his bi-polar. Now it's all different. So she has very quickly gone from talking about maybe having kids to visiting the doctor for all the fertility tests. She called me earlier today to let me know that her tests all came back ok. The only ones she has not had is the 21 day test and the AMH test but so far everything is looking great for her fertility. Over the last few weeks I have advised her and helped her make sense of all the things I have learned over the last 2 and a half years. I am now seeing her become more and more obsessed by it, I have had the emails from her about how her period has arrived and conversations about IVF and IUI and I have told her what to ask for at the doctors.

Then, this evening she called me again and asked me if I was ok with her telling me all that stuff about the results and about her talking about babies in general. So I was honest and said the only thing that really worries me is if she gets pregnant and I don't. I said that I really am so close to her that I feel I can say anything to her about the way I feel but that if she has a baby and I don't then it will be really hard. I am actually quite scared.

On the one hand I feel like I can help her with so much because I have learned all about fertility issues in the last couple of years or so, and I feel like I can support her emotionally and empathise with her. On the other I feel drained by the thought that she might be successful when I might fail. It's not at all that I don't want her to be, it will be wonderful - for her. I just know that it will be so hard for me, that I will start that crying all the time stuff, that I will wallow. I dread the day she tells me she is pregnant. SoI just hope that we both manage it. I really don't know what I will do. Though that makes me scared about the IVF - there is such a low chance of it working and I really don't know if I am properly prepared for it.

Are you taking folic acid?

I wonder what would happen if I replied 'no, what's that?'. 'Are you taking folic Acid' is a question which regularly comes up whenever I talk to anyone, including health professionals, about my attempts to conceive. I wonder why people think that someone who has been trying for over 2 years might have missed the most basic bits of advice like 'take floic acid'? It's one of those questions I can add to an ever growing list of 'advice'… like the advice I just got from a friend by email to just 'go with it and RELAX' and yes, she use capitals. All of this is just so frustrating. Anyone would think that I had somehow managed to get myself into a state where I never really think about my infertility.

I have been reading up on recommeded diet advice for IVF which is basically eat organic, eat protein, drink lots, give up Cafine and alcohol and eat nuts. So if I add a bit of fish to my diet and cut out sugary snacks I am well on my way because I do eat all those things anyway. I am going to go and see what the veg and meat is like at the farmer's market this weekend. Then next weekend we have D's mum staying with us so it's going to be really tough to stay off the bad stuff but I really will do it as I think I need to make every effort for this, my one and only IVF cycle.

I emailed SIL (D's SIL) yesterday to see how she was, only to have mailed her on the day that she found out her latest IUI hasn't worked. She has been trying for so long, it's really awful. 8 years and counting. Isn't it typical to have contacted her at her lowest. This kind of thing always happens to me… people announcing pregnancies when I am just getting my period, finding out about the miscarriage the day before D's stag do… that kind of thing.

I was just talking to my work mate about how I had planned to go away for my 40th birthday but now the IVF is going to happen 2 weeks before and I will find out if I am pregnant the week I hit 40. She said 'wouldn't that be a nice present' to which I replied 'or the worst one ever'. her response was that if I turned out not to be I should 'have a bottle of wine'. Yeah, right. Because that will make me feel loads better. Sigh.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

not fair

So - another one of D's friends is pregnant. Only been with her boyfriend 4 months and so am guessing she got pregnant very quickly if she's telling people post the 12 week check. I shouldn't be bitter but these things always seem to get revealed just as I am about to get my period so at my lowest and it always seems to me that the ones who have spent their lives shoveling cocaine up their noses are the ones who get pregnant with no problem. Perhaps that is what I should have spent my 20s doing? Taking drugs and getting laid? Oh I do sound bitter I know but even with the IVF coming up it's really hard to muster any kind of positivity about my own situation. So here I am again bashing it all out onto a keyboard. It actually helps me make sense of something though. Last week we all went out for a drink to celebrate a friend of D's birthday. Everyone was really quiet and almost like they had nothing to talk about. What I think now is that they had one big thing to talk about and that washer pregnancy. They all met up the weekend before and must have found out then. Everyone feels unable to talk about these things in front of me, and no wonder.

I have 2 'aquaintances' on forums who are now posting their scans, pregnancy tests, pictures of their bumps and even pictures of the clothes they have bought for their kids. Worse, they are seemingly competing against eachother. It makes me so annoyed. I just hope I get pregnant from the IVF.


I am on day 23. Last month this is when I got my period so I am going to be counting each day from now on and yet it is still too early to test. Not that it would be positive anyway but wouldn't that be nice, to get a positive test before the IVF, providing I didn't miscarry.