Monday, January 11, 2010

A whole load of random stuff

I got my period today - giving me a 22 day cycle. So it looks like without the clomid my cycle is going to go back to normal. My cycle lengths have been as follows (starting now and going backwards until I started recording it. 22 days, 26 days, 24 days, 27 days, 26 days, 29 days, 28 days, Gap when I was pregnant after 1st time taking Clomid, 25 days, 26 days, 27 days, 24 days, 26 days, 24 days, 23 days, 24 days, 27 days, 28 days, 26 days, 30 days, 24 days, 26 days, 23 days. I was completely surprised to get my period today to be honest, although I did wake up with a bad back ache. The latest news is that I will not be able to see the consultant for my 'treatment planning' appointment until March 2nd. This means that I won't be getting the IUI until at least April. It also puts the Kybosh on the trip I was planning for my birthday. I will be 40 this year and I just don't want to be around anyone at all. Well, apart from K who I invited to come along, and D who I hope would want to come! If I have another 22/3 day cycle then I will be due to get my period on the day of the consultation. No way will they want to or be able to do it straight away, so I guess we will just have to hope that I get to do it in April.

Someone has posted on mumsnet about people getting pregnant naturally after trying for 2 years. I know people want to hear positive stories about how you get pregnant as soon as you relax but it just really irritates me when people come on with their amazing stories of people who tried and tried and then got pregnant the month they 'stopped trying' mostly because I do not understand how someone 'stops trying' and still gets pregnant. if you stop trying then that means no sperm to meet the egg and so therefore no pregnancy; and if you are still having sex then, I'm sorry, but there is now way you are not trying. In my experience there is no way that you would not be aware that you might have a chance and there is no way that you would not be hoping for a positive pregnancy test. Anyway - I added my 2ps worth of course, saying how just because someone might have got pregnant after 2 years of trying, doesn't mean it's because they 'relaxed'. Getting pregnant is fucking difficult.

Talking of mumsnet… I was reading it late on Saturday night and up popped a thread in 'relationships'. As I read it I started thinking that it sounded a lot like a friend of mine. Just something about the way it was written. As I read on the detail got more and more familiar and I realised that it was indeed her. Not sure what to do I changed my name and responded then proceeded to worry about her (and her lack of response to messages I sent her) all weekend. I was also really worried that mumsnetters might be horrible in their replies, but it was ok. Finally she got in touch today, didn't mention any of the stuff she had posted about and has arranged to come and see me at the weekend. So what do I do? Should I let on that I read her post and that I am worried about her? Should I wait and see what she says to me? . I hope she's ok, I hope she talks to me about stuff when I see her. I want her to be happy but also I know that when people have a baby things can often get quite fraught and depressing with all the hormones rushing around. I think she needs to get tough with him, but she might not have the strength.

getting tough is something I need to do too. I went out on Friday to a cocktails party. Not as posh as it sounds, basically a bring a bottle of spirits and get pissed. A friend (She's a GP) cornered me; told me that I was entitled to a second referral to a different fertility clinic, that I really had to tell D to stop smoking, that I should watch my sugar intake etc. I don't know if the referral thing is true but she really drove it home about the smoking. I like her a lot. I think she is right though.  So I need to get tough. With him and with me.

I need to do some exercise. I am now 10 st 11lb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am shocked. I am going to start excercising tonight. Perhaps it can be the thing I do which takes my mind off trying to conceive. Sometimes I wonder if I even really want a baby though.

Another thing about the paty. I feel like such a twat when I go to these things. Everyone is lovely in their different ways and have always seemed happy to have me along, but I don't think I am ever going to become one of the girls and the truth is I just don't fit in. I feel kind of insecure when I am with them. Not because I feel inadequate as a person but because I can't really ever think of what to say to them, what to talk about. I don't know what makes them tick, I don't know their in jokes, I don't have a shared history. Nor do I go out with just them and do girlie things with them. I wouldn't really want to because I really would be imposing then. It's all quite awkward. I feel like they are concerned that I don't quite fit and I am concerned that they want me to fit. Really we are all ok people and I shouldn't stress but these social gatherings do make me feel kind of like a spare part. I don't have a big group of friends like they do, and I don't really want to join one.

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