I can remember so much about the day I found out my baby wasn't viable. That day and the next. I remember on the way to the scan being negative and worrying that something would be wrong and D telling me I was being negative and that I shouldn't worry. I remember parking the car and thinking 'omg we are going to see our baby I wonder if that's when it will seem real?', I remember walking into the hospital hand in hand finally managing to be positive and excited about it. Then I remember the waiting, the other people in the waiting room, me wondering if all of them had happy news like me or if they were like I had been a few weeks before maybe there for their first consultation or maybe there to plan their treatment. I can remember feeling slightly embarassed to have D sat there with me while I lay there with my knickers off and the doctor put the lube on the probe, then the doctor saying 'I am having trouble seeing a heartbeat … how many weeks did you say you are?' and me knowing there and then that it wasn't going to be good news and asking 'do you mean you are having difficulty or you just cant's see anything ?'… 'no I can't see anything'.
I remember the nurse looking at me strangely and me wondering if it was because I wasn't crying. Sitting there while she explained the scan, showed me what she said was bleeding inside and telling me what my options were, expecting me to decide. All the time D held my hand and I just wanted to get out of there. Then I marched ahead as we left and as soon as I got outside I sent a text to R 'pregnancy non-viable, am going to miscarry' before calling my mum to let her mnow and having to hear her crying. I forget the journey home but I know I started to cry when I called Lis in work. I had to tell her that not only had I been pregnant (I had kept it a secret) but also that it wasn't viable and so I wouldn't be coming into work today.
Then I think we slept a while before I started trawling the internet for information, trying to cling on to hope that the pregnancy might survive, that they were wrong. I had to go onto my regular threads and tell people on the internet who I had never met that my dream had been shattered. I did all this while staying fairly calm. D had his stag do the next day and I desperately wanted him to cancel but at the same time knew that it would be so wrong of me to make him stay. I think it was the next day that I got into the car and just drove for miles not sure where I was going but so so angry. Or was it the same day? I know I came back and D wasn't alone, his brother was there and I felt so embarrassed and pissed off that I couldn't even have this time alone without someone from his family being there. Then his best friend turned up to collect him to take him away and I felt so angry that they had come to us instead of leaving D to say his own private goodbye, so I sat up-stairs and thought about what bastards they all were for doing this to me. After he had gone I just wanted to be on my own and I didn't want him to contact me. I had already told my sister and my mum I wanted to be alone and so I turned my phone off and tried so hard to sleep but kept waking up to blog (my old blog) or to check the internet incase there was something I had missed. Then at some point the doorbell went, it was my sister. I threw open the front door and basically told her to piss right off, didn't she know I wanted to be alone, hadn't I told her to stay away? so she left and I cried and cried and hit things until I realised that I was being incredibly unkind and called her asking her to come back. Really I should have just gone to stay with her but I needed to be at home, I wanted to just go to sleep and not have to think. I can remember we laughed about stuff and she did help me but really there was no way she could get me through it and there were so many days ahead of me where I would feel worse.
And now - almost 10 months later I am still childless. Not even managed to get pregnant. So when people try to give me hope, sometimes it is just so hard to imagine that things might go right for me. Why would things go right now after 30 cycles of not going right at all?