Monday, January 18, 2010

nothing but the same old story

Today I started worrying again. Worrying about what will happen if we are only offered one round of IVF, if we are not included in the new rules coming in from April. Worrying that we might not get pregnant through IVF and that we will spend the money we saved up for the IUI and then we won't have any other avenues to persue. That we should maybe do IUI and THEN IVF. I don't even know what the letter sent to my GP and to the Clinic says, because for some reason no one has sent it to us. I honestly believe that if I hadn't chased it up we would still be in the dark now. I questioned if the appeal had actually been granted in early December but they say 'yes'. Which is all so odd as I didn't even send the letter until 25th November and they called more than a week after to say they had received it and that they would have to contact my GP etc. I really don't understand why no one contacted me. Now I have to wait until March to see the consultant for treatment planning and I won't get any other info about it ntil then. What if they tell me stuff I dono't want to hear?

I am also worrying about the treatment, about if I should tell work if I need to book time off, if I will have side effects I can't cope. I have asked in a few places to see what other people have done and am getting mixed answers. Some people are really effected by the drugs and by the different stages (which I am only just reading up on) and others seem to think it's not too big a deal and not to difficult to keep from work mates.

On top of that I am not sure that D really understands what I will have to go through and how much is at stake. One of the first things he said when I told him about the funding appeal was 'what shall we spend the savings on' I suspect he has already spent half of it! Sometimes I think he really fails to understand the emotional impact this all has on me. So how should I expect him to understand the physical.

And another thing... I just found out today that 2 people I know are pregnant. One, naturally, announced it on Facebook; the other on a forum I read. Of all the times they could have done it it had to be now, the week I should have been giving birth. So now I just think shit is going to happen to me for ever and ever without a break. I am feeling so negative.

One last thing, my sister is talking about having a baby; has been talking about having a baby. At the weekend she told me that She and Tom have been trying for 3-4 months! I know what is going to happen. My sister who is 2 years older than me will probably get pregnant before me because she is a much nicer person than I am and it's all I deserve. Then SIL will get pregnant and I may as well just go and live in a house with 100 cats.

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