Tuesday, January 05, 2010

New year

So Christmas and New year went off without a hitch. Was a pretty lazy two weeks and I just sat about eating chocolate and doing nothing. We had D's friend M over for Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day. We cooked a big Turkey and then ate heardly any of it. I think the worst part of it was D's decision to give M one of his fake lottery tickets on Christmas eve. It was just so awful because M really believed he had won (£25,000) and because I didn't step up and say 'look it's a joke' I felt like I was in on the trick. What a thing to do on Christmas Eve. The best thing was probably just getting tiddly and having fun watching films and not having to get up in the morning. I probably stayed in bed until mid-day for about a week but surprisingly managed to get right up on Monday morning and get to work ok. It's dull though. Just before we all went on the Christmas break the boss made a point of telling us we should be aware of the policy on using the internet and that we should limit our use of things like Facebook to lunchtimes. I think this comes in part from a woman getting sacked from Radio Wales for tweeting and facebooking negative things about BBC Wales but also there are a couple of people in our department who spend shitloads of time on facebook. So since I have been back I have tried not to go on the internet too much, sticking to reading the BBC News website and then going on Facebook to check messages at lunchtime. Sigh.

Anyway - so we are well and truly in 2010. This is the year I become 40. I still haven't heard anything about the IUI though I did ring IVF Wales a couple of times and leave messages on their answerphone. I just want to know for sure that I am on some list. I also haven't heard back about the funding appeal. D said wouldn't it be amazing if I got pregnant on the month after the Clomid stopped and I have to say that thought has crossed my mind but only fleetingly as it is so unlikely. I look at the list of women on my Trying to Conceive thread on mumsnet and it's so sad. There's just about 5 or 6 of us and we've all been trying for more than 2 years. I am kind of running out of hope and I just try to convince myself that really kids would be a nightmare, an expensive nightmare; that I don't really want them and having them would be more trouble than it's worth. Infact sometimes I do truly wonder why I even want kids. What is the point in longing for something you are never going to get.

In 10 days time it will be what would have been my due date had my pregnancy in the summer been viable and at the moment I think it will be fine, I will be ok. But then I feel sad. I think about what might have been and about how this struggle has become so much a part of my life. I hate it. There are also people in my circle and in work who got pregnant about the same time and who are now wandering about proudly displaying their bumps and preparing their facebooks for pictures. All I need on top of that is for someone to announce their pregnancy. Another thing is my period is due around that time. Why does everything have to be such bad timing. I haven't said anything to D, I don't even know if he will realise or if it's worth mentioning incase I go a bit do-lally on the day (it's the 16th by the way) because it might be a complete shock for him or something.

I am really trying to be positive, to think of the IUI as a good step forward, to have hope about the funding and not to wallow... it's hard though. For all the reasons listed above it is so hard. Plus I have made a concious decision not to talk to mum about it, not to cry on her. I have to basically remain strong (read... hard) and not let myself get dragged into a pit of dispair.

I just wish I knew when things are going to start moving forward.

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