Sunday, January 31, 2010

Oh and another thing

When women I know are trying for a baby start updating their facebooks with lists of the alcohol they are drinking... I can't help thinking they are pregnant but trying to cover it up.

Competitive parenting

I am starting to get slightly worried about bringing kids into the world. Reading stuff on Mumsnet makes me think that unless I breastfeed them until they are 3, let them sleep in my bed until they are 18, push them to pass exams to get them into the best schools, force them to eat sprout and cabbage soup, carry them in a sling and dress them in natural nappies (Amongst other things) then I will be a very sub-standard parent and will be judged by other mums and dad for just being crap at raising kids.

Very interesting debate on there at the moment about extended breastfeeding. Some woman said something bad about extended breastfeeding on GMTV and so lots of the mums are up in arms. Fair enough, it probably is bad to compare breast milk to a glass of coke but the way some people post you'd think that mothers who only breastfeed up to the recommended 6 months are evil. I am guessing that if I do ever get pregnant I will probably only take about 8-9 months off. I want to go back to work, I want to earn my own money. I will therefore probably move from breast to formula at some point, certainly I won't be breastfeeding exclusively beyond maternity leave. A little bit of me also thinks (And I know this is an unpopular opinion) that women really only do breastfeed for ages because THEY like it, because they can't give it up. It seems to become all about the mum rather than the child. That would probably be a very bad thing to say on mumsnet though.

I wonder too about sleeping arrangements for children. Do people really have their children in bed with them for years on end? I find that odd. I don't know if I would cope with something like controlled crying but I can't see why it's considered such a bad thing if it's done beyond a certain age. Of course you wouldn't leave a baby bawling it's eyes out but as it gets older surely there is something to be said for getting into a routine?

**I have had to edit this to say HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I am now a co-sleeping, cabbage eating, breastfeeding (Toddler - 2 years) mother who will never ever do controlled crying..

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Treatment planning

Today we had the treatment planning. We didn't see Mrs Evans. The Doctor we saw was lovely but scared me right at the begining by saying that my AMH test was so good and coupled with the fact that we did manage to conceive in April/May really they would not consider me infertile. He seemed to think that we could keep trying. So I pointed out that we had never got the results back for the AMH test I had in November. Off he went to find it, only to return with the awful news that it had gone from 10.3 to 2.6. So then came the next scare; that many people would consider this too low for IVF :(

But.... he has agreed that because my 40th birthday is looming it would not be right to not let us have the chance of one NHS funded round particularly given the fact that we appealed successfully for funding. He even said that he would like to see the letter I wrote as he could use it to show people how to write an appeal letter!

So - we're doing the short protocol which means lots of drugs. We won't start until after March 9th with egg collection on 22nd March. I have been given the drugs already but not been shown how to inject. They are in the fridge.

 don't want to tell anyone the exact dates as I would be so worried that everyone would be waiting and calling etc. Chances are it won't work, specially with this terrible AMH test result but we have to give it a go. They say if I don't respond to the drugs and produce only a few eggs they might convert to IUI. I have to go back on the pill when my period starts which is all a bit weird. I never thought I would go back on the pill, and the combined pill at that!

So now I have a month and a half to detox and get myself into shape.

Friday, January 22, 2010


I somehow seem to have reverted back to the way I felt a few months ago; Weepy, upset, on edge. I am currently sat upstairs with no TV and a really slow internet connection because D is doing something technological which means no TV etc. I am pissed off and I am feeling sorry for myself yet we have a guest so I can't make a big fuss. I also haven't had a poo for about 3 days! I have been taking home made vegetable soup into work all week and am wondering if this is why? A bloke I work with made a nasty comment about my weight and I cried. I feel really fat and unattractive. I have put on a stone in the last few months and I'm starting to worry about why. Is it the menopause or a tumour or some kind of effect from the Clomid?

I just feel upset and worried a lot of the time, obviously not the best way to be when trying to conceive. Everyone I know is announcing pregnancy, many their second. A lot of these people are on to their second child. 2 children in the time I have been trying. It will only get worse if SIL announces a pregnancy, which she will, I know she will. Then K will, then R will. It is all going tits up really.

Oh and firstly facebook started putting adverts on my page about pregnancy, now this blog is doing it too. If I mention miscarriage or abortion or stillbirth a bit more often I wonder if they will stop.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

positive thoughts

"time and time again I have seen a couple decide to give up trying...only to then immediately fall pregnant" says the book R bought me. On page 22 no less. Funny, huh. I am reading it and there's a lot about having a positive attitude in the book, a lot about unexplained infertility not really being infertility!

R sent it in the post, she had kind of warned me at the weekend because she mentioned she had seen it. She sent a note which ended with 'excuse the writing, I am feeding Thom' which had it come from anyone else but R might have made me punch a wall, or the person who sent it. How funny.

I sent a letter to the GP today as we finally received a copy of the appeal letter. It is there clear as day, that I should have the treatment before I am 40. It must have been clear to both the GP, the practice manager, and the person at IVF Wales who read part of it out to me over the phone that this bit of info was really very important. Unless they put that in every appeal letter? Anyhow - I delivered the letter by hand and in it I asked what procedures they have in place to keep patients iinformed about their treatment. I await their reply with interest.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What was I saying about negativity?

So today I had a call from the Health Commission in Wales. Only I missed the call because of the no signal issue in the office. Luckily for me I had made a mistake with a package and had to go and get it back from the postroom and so got a signal and saw the voicemail. Basically it was someone calling to let me know that the IVF funding is only going to be granted if I have the treatment before I am 40! Poses a little problem for me as my planning appointment is (Was) on 2nd March and my 40th Birthday is on April 4th. I may sound calm about it now but I freaked out. Raced out of the room, called D, called my mum. Anyway - I have spoken to both the Health Commission and IVF Wales and it looks like there is some flexibility. I am having my treatment planning on 28th January now so need to get mega healthy in that time if I can, by eating the right things and being good about alcohol!

I am so annoyed with IVF Wales AND the health commission though. Someone should have told me this earlier. Either the Health commission should have sent me a copy of the letter in December when the Appeal was granted of IVF Wales should have contacted me when they received the letter! Someone somewhere seems to have it in for me. I need to complain but I don't know who to. All I know is that had I not written to the health commission people as well as emailing them, then no one would have seen how tight the times were and no one would have contacted me! I am so grateful to the person who did spot it.

I need to be positive but I am waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

Monday, January 18, 2010

nothing but the same old story

Today I started worrying again. Worrying about what will happen if we are only offered one round of IVF, if we are not included in the new rules coming in from April. Worrying that we might not get pregnant through IVF and that we will spend the money we saved up for the IUI and then we won't have any other avenues to persue. That we should maybe do IUI and THEN IVF. I don't even know what the letter sent to my GP and to the Clinic says, because for some reason no one has sent it to us. I honestly believe that if I hadn't chased it up we would still be in the dark now. I questioned if the appeal had actually been granted in early December but they say 'yes'. Which is all so odd as I didn't even send the letter until 25th November and they called more than a week after to say they had received it and that they would have to contact my GP etc. I really don't understand why no one contacted me. Now I have to wait until March to see the consultant for treatment planning and I won't get any other info about it ntil then. What if they tell me stuff I dono't want to hear?

I am also worrying about the treatment, about if I should tell work if I need to book time off, if I will have side effects I can't cope. I have asked in a few places to see what other people have done and am getting mixed answers. Some people are really effected by the drugs and by the different stages (which I am only just reading up on) and others seem to think it's not too big a deal and not to difficult to keep from work mates.

On top of that I am not sure that D really understands what I will have to go through and how much is at stake. One of the first things he said when I told him about the funding appeal was 'what shall we spend the savings on' I suspect he has already spent half of it! Sometimes I think he really fails to understand the emotional impact this all has on me. So how should I expect him to understand the physical.

And another thing... I just found out today that 2 people I know are pregnant. One, naturally, announced it on Facebook; the other on a forum I read. Of all the times they could have done it it had to be now, the week I should have been giving birth. So now I just think shit is going to happen to me for ever and ever without a break. I am feeling so negative.

One last thing, my sister is talking about having a baby; has been talking about having a baby. At the weekend she told me that She and Tom have been trying for 3-4 months! I know what is going to happen. My sister who is 2 years older than me will probably get pregnant before me because she is a much nicer person than I am and it's all I deserve. Then SIL will get pregnant and I may as well just go and live in a house with 100 cats.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Appeal Granted!

So… came home last night and talked to D about having changed my credit card and laughed about the £7000 limit I have and how if things got really bad we could always buy IVF with a credit card! Then put my lap-top on and checked my emails. They've only gone and granted the appeal for funding! I am gobsmacked. Basically I was fed up with waiting so I mailed the Health Commission to ask them if there was any news. We got an email back saying the appeal has been granted. Woop! Am now trying to find out exactly what this means and if it will cover just IVF or IUI too, also if I will be allowed 2 goes as the rules are changing in Wales from April. Am waiting for IVF Wales to call me back to confirm that they received a letter from the Health Commission. Still waiting despite giving them my number over an hour ago.

Anyway - it may not work but it's given me a new thing to hope for. My big fear (And this is rather selfish) is what will I do if I end up with twins? I am really worried about the fact that I wouldn't be able to afford to go back to work and that we would find it really hard to live off D's wage. A stay at home mum is not the life I have in mind. I have always known that I would want to go back to work. I am not a career woman, I just have a job, but working and earning my own money is really important to me. I don't think I am cut out to be at home all day looking after kids, I would get so bored if I had to. So a little bit of me is hoping that I don't have twins. Beggars can't be choosers though. Anyway - I am getting way ahead of myself aren't I. Really the chances of me getting pregnant are only about 10%, or at least they will be by April as I will have hit 40!

K has been in touch a lot today, asking me what she needs to do to get IVF privately. To be honest I don't know. Do private patients just walk into a clinic and say 'Give me IVF, here's the cash' or do they go through their GP like I did and get refered. I am trying to find out for her. It would be amazing if we both got pregnant, even more amazing if we were both pregnant around the same time! It wouldn't all feel so scary if my sister was going through the same thing as me.

So - probably we will do IVF not IUI. Roll on March!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

lunch with mum

I had lunch with mum today. She cancelled last week because of the snow but I know she really wanted to see me because of the due date looming. We talked a bit about how I feel but all that did was make me upset and to be honest I am doing a pretty good job of not letting myself get upset lately. I didn't full on cry but you know when you get that dryness in your throat and the corners of your moouth turn down and you just can't help yourself… that was me. I tried to explain that mostly I am just not thinking about it but that when very pregnant women pass by in work it makes me think and I can't help but get a bit pissed off. Anyway, she said again about paying for IVF. Said it made more sense for me to have money now than when she dies! I told her that I would feel really bad about taking money from family for something which might not work and that maybe it's best to try as many IUI's as we can rather than putting all our eggs in one basket? However I wonder if with my bad blood results should I perhaps go for IVF?

Mum also said I should be firmer with the people at IVF Wales and tell them how annoyed I am that I was told January but now can't see them until March. So I just called them to ask if there had been any cancellations (no) and asked politely if it was ok for me to call each week as 'I don't want to annoy you'. They say that's fine. Maybe I am too much of a complete wuss. It's not in my nature to be rude to people, only on paper or on blog anyway!

Dale mailed me to ask if it's ok for Damien to visit this weekend so that at least will stop me from becoming a complete nightmare over this whole due date thing. I also have to make sure I am there for Ruth when I see her on Saturday as it's not fair for me to burden her with my issues when she's having such a hard time herself. I just hope that she opens up to me about it all. I don't talk to anyone about the fertility stuff anyway - no one apart from mum and Dale really knows the extent of my emotional distress over this, and even they don't really know.

Anyway… enough of that.

It only snowed for one night so the snow is going again here in Cardiff. Shame. I want proper deep snow like they have in places like Yorkshire. Did I mention about our electric? We lost power to all the sockets downstairs except the kitchen. it's basically that circuit making the fuse trip and even though we've thoroughy investigated and found a couple of damp switches (we've dried them out) it still isn't back on. Am dreading that it might be something inside the walls which will need ripping out and replacing. First the windows and now this! ho hum.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

remembering my miscarriage

I can remember so much about the day I found out my baby wasn't viable. That day and the next. I remember on the way to the scan being negative and worrying that something would be wrong and D telling me I was being negative and that I shouldn't worry. I remember parking the car and thinking 'omg we are going to see our baby I wonder if that's when it will seem real?', I remember walking into the hospital hand in hand finally managing to be positive and excited about it. Then I remember the waiting, the other people in the waiting room, me wondering if all of them had happy news like me or if they were like I had been a few weeks before maybe there for their first consultation or maybe there to plan their treatment. I can remember feeling slightly embarassed to have D sat there with me while I lay there with my knickers off and the doctor put the lube on the probe, then the doctor saying 'I am having trouble seeing a heartbeat … how many weeks did you say you are?' and me knowing there and then that it wasn't going to be good news and asking 'do you mean you are having difficulty or you just cant's see anything ?'… 'no I can't see anything'.

I remember the nurse looking at me strangely and me wondering if it was because I wasn't crying. Sitting there while she explained the scan, showed me what she said was bleeding inside and telling me what my options were, expecting me to decide. All the time D held my hand and I just wanted to get out of there. Then I marched ahead as we left and as soon as I got outside I sent a text to R 'pregnancy non-viable, am going to miscarry' before calling my mum to let her mnow and having to hear her crying. I forget the journey home but I know I started to cry when I called Lis in work. I had to tell her that not only had I been pregnant (I had kept it a secret) but also that it wasn't viable and so I wouldn't be coming into work today.

Then I think we slept a while before I started trawling the internet for information, trying to cling on to hope that the pregnancy might survive, that they were wrong. I had to go onto my regular threads and tell people on the internet who I had never met that my dream had been shattered. I did all this while staying fairly calm. D had his stag do the next day and I desperately wanted him to cancel but at the same time knew that it would be so wrong of me to make him stay. I think it was the next day that I got into the car and just drove for miles not sure where I was going but so so angry. Or was it the same day? I know I came back and D wasn't alone, his brother was there and I felt so embarrassed and pissed off that I couldn't even have this time alone without someone from his family being there. Then his best friend turned up to collect him to take him away and I felt so angry that they had come to us instead of leaving D to say his own private goodbye, so I sat up-stairs and thought about what bastards they all were for doing this to me. After he had gone I just wanted to be on my own and I didn't want him to contact me. I had already told my sister and my mum I wanted to be alone and so I turned my phone off and tried so hard to sleep but kept waking up to blog (my old blog) or to check the internet incase there was something I had missed. Then at some point the doorbell went, it was my sister. I threw open the front door and basically told her to piss right off, didn't she know I wanted to be alone, hadn't I told her to stay away? so she left and I cried and cried and hit things until I realised that I was being incredibly unkind and called her asking her to come back. Really I should have just gone to stay with her but I needed to be at home, I wanted to just go to sleep and not have to think. I can remember we laughed about stuff and she did help me but really there was no way she could get me through it and there were so many days ahead of me where I would feel worse.

And now - almost 10 months later I am still childless. Not even managed to get pregnant. So when people try to give me hope, sometimes it is just so hard to imagine that things might go right for me. Why would things go right now after 30 cycles of not going right at all?

Monday, January 11, 2010

A whole load of random stuff

I got my period today - giving me a 22 day cycle. So it looks like without the clomid my cycle is going to go back to normal. My cycle lengths have been as follows (starting now and going backwards until I started recording it. 22 days, 26 days, 24 days, 27 days, 26 days, 29 days, 28 days, Gap when I was pregnant after 1st time taking Clomid, 25 days, 26 days, 27 days, 24 days, 26 days, 24 days, 23 days, 24 days, 27 days, 28 days, 26 days, 30 days, 24 days, 26 days, 23 days. I was completely surprised to get my period today to be honest, although I did wake up with a bad back ache. The latest news is that I will not be able to see the consultant for my 'treatment planning' appointment until March 2nd. This means that I won't be getting the IUI until at least April. It also puts the Kybosh on the trip I was planning for my birthday. I will be 40 this year and I just don't want to be around anyone at all. Well, apart from K who I invited to come along, and D who I hope would want to come! If I have another 22/3 day cycle then I will be due to get my period on the day of the consultation. No way will they want to or be able to do it straight away, so I guess we will just have to hope that I get to do it in April.

Someone has posted on mumsnet about people getting pregnant naturally after trying for 2 years. I know people want to hear positive stories about how you get pregnant as soon as you relax but it just really irritates me when people come on with their amazing stories of people who tried and tried and then got pregnant the month they 'stopped trying' mostly because I do not understand how someone 'stops trying' and still gets pregnant. if you stop trying then that means no sperm to meet the egg and so therefore no pregnancy; and if you are still having sex then, I'm sorry, but there is now way you are not trying. In my experience there is no way that you would not be aware that you might have a chance and there is no way that you would not be hoping for a positive pregnancy test. Anyway - I added my 2ps worth of course, saying how just because someone might have got pregnant after 2 years of trying, doesn't mean it's because they 'relaxed'. Getting pregnant is fucking difficult.

Talking of mumsnet… I was reading it late on Saturday night and up popped a thread in 'relationships'. As I read it I started thinking that it sounded a lot like a friend of mine. Just something about the way it was written. As I read on the detail got more and more familiar and I realised that it was indeed her. Not sure what to do I changed my name and responded then proceeded to worry about her (and her lack of response to messages I sent her) all weekend. I was also really worried that mumsnetters might be horrible in their replies, but it was ok. Finally she got in touch today, didn't mention any of the stuff she had posted about and has arranged to come and see me at the weekend. So what do I do? Should I let on that I read her post and that I am worried about her? Should I wait and see what she says to me? . I hope she's ok, I hope she talks to me about stuff when I see her. I want her to be happy but also I know that when people have a baby things can often get quite fraught and depressing with all the hormones rushing around. I think she needs to get tough with him, but she might not have the strength.

getting tough is something I need to do too. I went out on Friday to a cocktails party. Not as posh as it sounds, basically a bring a bottle of spirits and get pissed. A friend (She's a GP) cornered me; told me that I was entitled to a second referral to a different fertility clinic, that I really had to tell D to stop smoking, that I should watch my sugar intake etc. I don't know if the referral thing is true but she really drove it home about the smoking. I like her a lot. I think she is right though.  So I need to get tough. With him and with me.

I need to do some exercise. I am now 10 st 11lb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am shocked. I am going to start excercising tonight. Perhaps it can be the thing I do which takes my mind off trying to conceive. Sometimes I wonder if I even really want a baby though.

Another thing about the paty. I feel like such a twat when I go to these things. Everyone is lovely in their different ways and have always seemed happy to have me along, but I don't think I am ever going to become one of the girls and the truth is I just don't fit in. I feel kind of insecure when I am with them. Not because I feel inadequate as a person but because I can't really ever think of what to say to them, what to talk about. I don't know what makes them tick, I don't know their in jokes, I don't have a shared history. Nor do I go out with just them and do girlie things with them. I wouldn't really want to because I really would be imposing then. It's all quite awkward. I feel like they are concerned that I don't quite fit and I am concerned that they want me to fit. Really we are all ok people and I shouldn't stress but these social gatherings do make me feel kind of like a spare part. I don't have a big group of friends like they do, and I don't really want to join one.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

hurtling towards something...

I was wrong to think I could just cope with the due date looming. It's weird, I am not crying but I am getting utterly fed up with seeing people walking about about to pop, with people posting on facebook about thier waters breaking and people posting pictures of their babies.

Someone I know is about to her their second baby, is probably having it right now. All day (and basically all last week) she has been updating her facebook. Now I am a facebook junkie but I would never do an hour by hour status update of giving birth FFS. I really really do like her but it's getting right up my nose, and more so because this should have been the week when I would be thinking about going into labour, this would have been the start of my maternity leave. It really does upset me more than I realised it would. Ok I am not weeping and wailing but I am pissed off by these constant reminders all the time of what wasn't meant to be.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

New year

So Christmas and New year went off without a hitch. Was a pretty lazy two weeks and I just sat about eating chocolate and doing nothing. We had D's friend M over for Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day. We cooked a big Turkey and then ate heardly any of it. I think the worst part of it was D's decision to give M one of his fake lottery tickets on Christmas eve. It was just so awful because M really believed he had won (£25,000) and because I didn't step up and say 'look it's a joke' I felt like I was in on the trick. What a thing to do on Christmas Eve. The best thing was probably just getting tiddly and having fun watching films and not having to get up in the morning. I probably stayed in bed until mid-day for about a week but surprisingly managed to get right up on Monday morning and get to work ok. It's dull though. Just before we all went on the Christmas break the boss made a point of telling us we should be aware of the policy on using the internet and that we should limit our use of things like Facebook to lunchtimes. I think this comes in part from a woman getting sacked from Radio Wales for tweeting and facebooking negative things about BBC Wales but also there are a couple of people in our department who spend shitloads of time on facebook. So since I have been back I have tried not to go on the internet too much, sticking to reading the BBC News website and then going on Facebook to check messages at lunchtime. Sigh.

Anyway - so we are well and truly in 2010. This is the year I become 40. I still haven't heard anything about the IUI though I did ring IVF Wales a couple of times and leave messages on their answerphone. I just want to know for sure that I am on some list. I also haven't heard back about the funding appeal. D said wouldn't it be amazing if I got pregnant on the month after the Clomid stopped and I have to say that thought has crossed my mind but only fleetingly as it is so unlikely. I look at the list of women on my Trying to Conceive thread on mumsnet and it's so sad. There's just about 5 or 6 of us and we've all been trying for more than 2 years. I am kind of running out of hope and I just try to convince myself that really kids would be a nightmare, an expensive nightmare; that I don't really want them and having them would be more trouble than it's worth. Infact sometimes I do truly wonder why I even want kids. What is the point in longing for something you are never going to get.

In 10 days time it will be what would have been my due date had my pregnancy in the summer been viable and at the moment I think it will be fine, I will be ok. But then I feel sad. I think about what might have been and about how this struggle has become so much a part of my life. I hate it. There are also people in my circle and in work who got pregnant about the same time and who are now wandering about proudly displaying their bumps and preparing their facebooks for pictures. All I need on top of that is for someone to announce their pregnancy. Another thing is my period is due around that time. Why does everything have to be such bad timing. I haven't said anything to D, I don't even know if he will realise or if it's worth mentioning incase I go a bit do-lally on the day (it's the 16th by the way) because it might be a complete shock for him or something.

I am really trying to be positive, to think of the IUI as a good step forward, to have hope about the funding and not to wallow... it's hard though. For all the reasons listed above it is so hard. Plus I have made a concious decision not to talk to mum about it, not to cry on her. I have to basically remain strong (read... hard) and not let myself get dragged into a pit of dispair.

I just wish I knew when things are going to start moving forward.