Saturday, November 28, 2009

Amanda knox, Mumsnet and i.u.i

Been another funny few days on Mumsnet. this article in the Daily Mail, of course, sparked this thread. It also meant a whole lot of people commented on the Daily Mail site (scroll down) and in particular people from 'rival' parenting threads. It's all so childish. Though it did lead me to this thread on anothr forum from a woman who posted on Mumsnet about 'gentle parenting' and then got offended by other people's opinion. Welcome to the internets.

Though I think her comments are downright odd really, for example: "Playgroups are full of stressed out babies with agressive behaviours. they are usually cared for by nannies and au pairs who just leave them to cry or threathen them all the time.", and it's no wonder that she got the reaction she did.People are funny eh?

I've also been Reading a lot about the Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito case in italy. A good summary of the evidence is here. Personally I am not convinced that any of the DNA or circumstantial evidence is strong enough to convict them but sadly I suspect the Italian Court system may work against them and they could be sent away for something which they did not do. Have been discussing it online in a few places including this forum which I mistakenly thought might be full of bright trainee legal people but actually seems to be the opposite.

And so to my own personal news... D and I have been to an open evening for IUI in the Heath. It was really informative, certainly learned a lot I didn't know. Like that I will have to inject myself for 2 weeks and that I will have to have drugs which temporarily put me into the menopause! Eeeek. Oh and thought there's only a 20% of it working, if it does there's a 30% chance of a multiple pregnancy! Anyway - we are on the list now and decided on iui rather than IVF mostly because of the cost involved. All we can do is hope it works. I think we will be seen sometime in the new year. I have also written to appeal the decision not to fund me for fertility treatment in the hope that we can get some cash towards either more iui of eventually ivf.

Oh and I am so fat :( weight 10 st 8 last week but now 10 st 5. So I went for a jog today and intend on doing some excercise every day so that I can try to lose 2-3 a week between now and christmas.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I officially need assisted reproduction techniques

...and I have no one to talk to. D seems to almost bark at me when I try to discuss our options and always ends up saying 'well there's only 3 choices' or 'let's do that then'. I am feeling pretty destroyed.

Basically we went to IVF wales and we have 3 choices. Do nothing. Do I.U.I (over £1000) or do I.V.F (£4000). I don;t know what to do but both the consultant and D seem to think I should go sttraight for IVF. I always thought we would try IUI first but I can see how it might be that we throw £1000 at it and still nothing happens. What sense does it make, though, to throw £4000 at it and still have nothing happen. Is 4 rounds of IUI better than 1 round of IVF?

Apparently I can appeal the decision not to fund my IVF on the NHS, which I will do but it's all a bit late to be telling me this now - isn't it?

One thing I really can't seem to explain to D is that if we go for IVF it'll be me who has to go through it all, me who has to deal with the stress, the injections, the drugs, the procedure. It'll be me who has to take time off work to get it all done and it is me who feels like a complete failure.

D says not to worry about money but how the hell am I not supposed to worry about finding £4000? On top of that I now move into the 'has to have IVF' catagory and I am just fed up with all the people looking at me with so much sympathy and yet without understanding what the hell they are being sympathetic about.

Oh and on top of this I got some spotting today to this month's clomid obviously hasn't worked either.

Monday, November 23, 2009


Tomorrow we have our appointment with IVF Wales. Our 3rd appointment in a year. It's time for us to ask about I.U.I. To move on to the really serious stuff. I am dreading being told that I am too old, that we can't have it. I am equally dreading more testing, more drugs, invasive stuff. I know it is neccessary but it scares me because it is me it will be happening to. Me. no one else, but me. As well as the emotional shit I have to put up with I will have the physical stuff on top. I have no one to talk to, no one who really understands or sympathises.
Fertility blog

Friday, November 20, 2009

Amanda Knox

Don't know how much you know about this trial but my firm belief is that if I were on the Jury I woud find both Amanda Knox and her Boyfriend NOT GUILTY. The evidence, or so called evidence, is patchy at least and from what I have read it seems perfectly clear that the man already convicted of her murder is guilty. He had sex with her that night in what looks, from the forensics, like it was forced. He fled the country straight after the murder and then when he was caught he had injuries to his hand, probably caused by the weapon he used to slit her throat.

this site seems to be dedicated to proving that Amanda Knox is guilty, yet when you read through the evidence and the witness statements they seem so unconvincing. From what I have read it seems clear that Rudy Guede raped and killed Meredith Kercher before fleeing and then trying to implicate Amanda Knox, and Raffaele Sollecito once he was caught an after he found out they were being held as suspects. His (Guede's) DNA is all over the flat, particularly in the room where the crime took place. It seems utterly ridiculous to me that they are ever going to be found guilty, but stranger things have happened.

I would love to know how these things can mean anything in this trial:

"From the very start, investigators suspected a woman had been involved in the murder. Meredith Kercher, naked save for a sweater pulled up above her chest, was almost completely covered by a quilt. A forensic expert confided that covering a corpse was a gesture of pity, more typical of a woman than a man. "

This is just stupid In my opinion: So women are more likely to cover a corpse as a gesture of pity? Maybe the killer just wanted to hide the body to give him time. The door was locked too. Is that something a female killer would be more likely to do? Or perhaps just another attempt to keep the crime hidden as long as possible?

"That day, Knox’s face betrayed no sign of anguish or sorrow when police took her to the cottage to help them search it. Inside the cottage, when investigators asked her about the way Kercher may have died, Knox made the same gesture again and again: “She’d press her hands to her temples and shake her head, as if she was trying to empty her brain of something she’d been through,” a judicial source said, adding that she may well have succeeded in erasing “the most dramatic parts” of the night’s events" source

or perhaps she was actually quite distressed by the events. Maybe asking her how the victim died was just such a stupid question to be asking and maybe Amanda Knox wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind to be discussing how her flatmate might have died.

"by the evening of November 3, Knox was apparently calm enough to buy two thongs at a lingerie shop with Sollecito. A shopkeeper overheard Sollecito say to Knox as they paid for the purchases: “You can put these on at home and we’ll have wild sex.” "

Ok - maybe a little odd after discovering a flatmate has been murdered but not exactly firm evidence that either person was the killer. From what I have read they were in a new relationship, presumably sex was pretty high on the agenda. So they bought underwear, so what? And anyway - so what if it was thongs? Presumably her house was out of bounds and so she had no clothes. Underwear is probably the most basic thing you would need and her choice of underwear shouldn't be a big deal.

There's also stuff about how the Victim didn't really click with Amanda Knox and commented to that effect in letters and emails home to her parents. Blimey! Does this mean that every time I say something not exactly complimentary about someone I work with or know then it might be used to build a case against me if they are killed or die?

... and this is interesting. Guede is arrested 2 whole weeks after the murder, with loads of DNA evidence putting him at the crime scene and no DNA evidence to suggest that he had been a close enough friend to any of the other accused to have visited their acommodation. presumably by the time he was arrested both Knox and Sollecito have been implicated in the murder giving Guede a perfect 'out' whereby he proceeds to create a story which involves the two other suspects and paints him as someone trying to help. To me it's obvious that he for some reason is hoping to turn attention away from himself and onto two innocent people.

"Police admit Rudy never called or emailed Meredith, Amanda or Raffaele. Police found no trace of them in his apartment, nor did they discover his DNA in Raffaele's flat. Yet he is supposed to have participated in a sex game with the three college students that ended in Meredith's refusal and death. A theory for which the prosecution has presented little evidence, other than numerous attempts to portray Amanda as sluttish and manipulative. A black widow. Judge Paolo Michelli, during the pretrial, took the conspiracy for granted. He boasted that he began his reasoning with all three suspects in the murder room. So much for innocent until proven guilty."

Which is weird as I have read today (in a Telegraph article I think) that Knox sent text messages to Guede. Totally false yet another example of how the press can run away with false information while tryig to sensationalise a murder case.

"One thing is certain: Rudy didn't belong in the upstairs flat in the cottage. He had never been a lodger, boyfriend, guest or anything else. Yet police found his DNA on the victim, inside her body, on her purse and in other locations. His conviction was no surprise."

this  which is about her myspace is also an interesting look at how facebook/myspace etc can be used against a person.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

and so it goes


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

An Education

what is probably good news for many many women in Wales is just distressing news for me. I have once again been set on a path of googling and worrying. I am not eligable for this new round of free IVF because I was never eligable for free IVF. They class the point of referral as the date you first see them rather than the date the GP has sent a letter. So I, as we all know, Missed the 38 years and 6 month cut off date by just a couple of months. I was never going to get it for free. I don't even know if at almost 40 I will be able to have it privately or how long that will take. I have never been put on any waiting list, not even for private treatment and I feel this has never been explained properly to me.

I am going to see them on Tuesday and have a list of questions and all the relevant info is written down:

March 2008 – 21 day test 6.3 (18-28)

Repeated later (Not sure of results but showed I ovulated)

28th Sept 2008 letter RE referral

21st January 2009 – First appointment with IVF Wales

Feb 09 - 3 day blood test (FSH) 12.2

11th March 2009 – HSG

March 2009 - AMH test 10.5

Clomid – April

12th May 2009 – positive pregnancy test

4th June 2009 – Scan showed no heartbeat

12th June 2009 – measuring only 6.2 weeks and still no hearbeat

14th June 2009 – miscarriage

I have also just noticed that they have a counsellor there at IVF wales and yet, not even when I had my miscarriage, I have never been offered their services. I feel like for some reason they just don't want to help me. I have worked myself up into a tizz now, not what I am supposed to be doing.  D says we can pay but can we really - can we afford up to £4000 for aomething like IVF and will we have to first spend £1000 on IUI?  I realy hate this, I don't want to be constantly reminded of other people's good fortune. I just want a little bit of good fortune for myself for a change.
Went to see this last night. was very good.

later: I had a bit of an email conversation with Dale's Sister-in-law, Vic, about the whole process. She has been trying for a bay for 8 years. She got pregnant through IVF early in the year but miscarried. I suppose I shouldn't get so worked up about my situation but I am older than her and I am just so worried. This has become such a big part of my life and I hate it. Perhaps I am just too old, perhaps I should give up.

Monday, November 16, 2009

the end of the road

So I recon we probably missed it this month. I have had no signs whatsoever of ovulation; no positive OPKs, no Eggwhite Cervical Mucus, no ovulation pains. wonder if I am actually ovulating at all. I just read a very depressing blog about Clomid in which the author (a fertility expert) said prescribing clomid can be a 'death sentence' to a woman's fertility, particulary for older people. I actually genuinely think this is it, I will not have kids. To have them now would be a complete fluke I think. We have the appointment with the doctor at the end of this month and I am just going to ask her to be straight with me, tell me if there is any point at all in continuing. And then what - I guess we will just have to be happy as a childless couple. We will have to tell everyone that we have given up I think.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

How can you not get it

Here I am, Day 15 of my cycle with no signs of ovulation at all but knowing that it's really very important to keep having regular sex and yet it's Saturday morning and the last time we had sex was Wednesday evening. I feel like we keep missing the opportunity because there always seems to be something stopping us and if we do manage it it's so forced that it hardly feels worth it. Last night we went for a meal for someone's birthday which was fun but the only two lengthy conversations I had were about my infertility. Once with someone I really like and who managed not to patronise me but kept to the basics and didn't feed me any of that 'it'll happen' shit. The second was with someone who was pissed and it was all a bit too 'you're a great person so it will happen for you' to me.  Seems she wants to be my new best friend which is fine and everything but the fact that she compared my inability to have children with her inability to find a boyfriend just made me feel a bit annoyed. She can easily find a boyfriend, I can't easily have a baby - particularly if I don't actually manage to have any sex with my husband.

So last night when D finally came up to bed he just couldn't get why I was so upset. Upset that despite having stressed how important it was for us to have sex he didn't initiate it, he didn't stay sober, he didn't come up to bed earlier, he didn't even seem bothered that I was upset despite me spelling it out to him plainly. We have a 24 - 36 hour window when I ovulate and if we go 48 hours without sex then we might be missing that window. We have had sex a grand total of 3 times this cycle and it's just not good enough.  I am not on Cloimid for a laugh. I am on clomid to help US have a baby and so it's really important that we actually attempt to do so. I really do feel like there is no point to it all now.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

don't think about it

I hate Clomid so it's probably a good thing that this month is my last but one, eh? Have been having some weird head aches this month, not sleeping well, waking up feeling groggy etc. We have the appointment with the consultant on 24th November and I guess we will then move onto IUI. Just been told that someone I know has just got pregnant through IUI. Not sure if this is suposed to make me feel hopeful or not. I am trying so hard not to obsess about my situation and to just get on with life but I am still having those moments where I have to repeat the mantra 'don't cry, don't cry' and where I have to actively dismiss the negative thoughts which creep in... 'don't think about it, don't think about it, don't talk about it for fuck's sake don't talk about it'... Then someone always comes along with some advice or some inspirational story to fuck it all up.

One thing which worries me about IUI is that the timing has to be so exact. I am guessing that each procedure can only be done once in a month and so the £500+ you pay for a 'round' of IUI is for one insemination. Also the site I linked to above says "In a given cycle, the possibility of conception is 10% to 20% provided the sperm count is good and the female has a healthy fallopian tube. The woman’s age is also a deciding factor on the success rate, since advanced maternal age results in fewer follicles maturing into eggs." and also more worryingly that you have to be under 40. I am 40 in 5 months so if there is a waiting list I really don't know what I will do. ... and now I am winding myself up about it all again 'don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it'

In other news D is sanding the bathroom and Hallway and the stairs. just found out that 'there is dust everywhere' and it seems it's because him and his brother have sanded with the doors to different rooms open! We have 2 people staying with us this weekend (d's friends) and I spent last night making sure the place was at least presentable and telling him to make sure the doors were shut while they sanded but now I just can't be arsed because it seems like when I get home there's going to be a film of wood dust all over everything . I just think I will leave it as it is, let him deal with it if he's going to have people around-  why should I waste my time and energy clearing up something which could have been prevented? I knew there would be some dust but FFS.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Several things

There's loads I want to write about but haven't had time and don't have teh time now so am Just going to put a few reminders in here and then update later if I get a chance.

firstly this which was reported as 'woman tweets joy at miscarriage' which I thought was putting a spin on it which wasn't really neccesary! What she actually said on twitter was "I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a fucked-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin." which to me looks like someone more pissed off with the USA Abortion laws than full of joy at the miscarriage.

Another thing was this which I wanted to write about but will do later.

And finally - from what I can remember I just want to remind myself to have a rant about Macrobiotic diets, or rather the suggestion from D's friend that I follow it to help me conceive. Naturally in everyone elses eyes it is ME who has the problem which needs rectifying, not D. Despite the fact that we have been tested and have 'passed' every one. Ho hum.

Monday, November 02, 2009

The latest update from me

I keep telling myself that I have to pull myself together and accept that shit happens and it's no one's fault it's just the way it is. It's a kind of self-preservation thing I suppose; rather than wallow in self-pity and misery all the time it's perhaps better that I try to get on with things. I am miserable though. Another month and no pregnancy. I have just started something like my 27th cycle and am back on the Clomid again. Hoping for the best this month of course, just like all the other months. Perhaps if I don't get my hopes up too high then they won't crash down so badly. I can pretty much guarantee that this time next month I will not be pregnant, why should I be? We have an appointment at IVF Wales at the end of November. Well, I say we but I don't know if D will come. Supposedly I will be asking about the next step though I know the next step is IUI and a very low success rate.

Anyway - I'd better not start writing about all that because this is when the self pity starts to roll in and as we all know ignoring the situation is a whole lot better for me emotionally so, yes, I had better stop.

I have decided too that I need to stop talking to mum about it. So that's another person off the list of supportive people. I don't have much support at all do I. Ah well - shit happens.

I ended up going to Penarth to see my brother and sister in law and their baby, well I was there anyway after dropping my sister off at some do so thought I should at least call by. It was ok I guess. Mum looked worried, she is still pushing me to go back to the doctor for counselling but the more I think about it the more I recon it will upset me to have someone talk to me about something they can't possibly sort out for me unless they are prepared to impregnante me with good baby making sperm over the couch. So I don't think i will go, I will just talk myself back down every time the baby thing starts to infiltrate my brain. Blocking it all out is surely the way to go. Oh and there was no pregnancy announcement so I guess I got that wrong too.