Friday, October 23, 2009

just because you're paranoid...

I just had lunch with my mum and she said that she wanted to bring something up with me and hoped it wouldn't upset me. She asked if I had considered the possibility that Brother and sil might be coming down to tell us they are pregnant again. I was so relieved! I told her that I had and what my plans were and that I was glad that she was thinking along the same lines and understood totally why I might not want to be there. Sadly their visit coincides with my period being due so it would make it a particularly bad time to be told news like this. Chances are that there is no way they are pregnant and chances are that it would all be fine but I am not prepared to put myself into that position.

Mum cried. We were talking about the scan I had when I was told the pregnancy wasn't viable. I sometimes forget that the whole thing was so hard for her and that she obviously finds it really hard to see me so upset over all this. In a way I suppose she lost a grandchild as much as I lost the opportunity to have a child.

She asked me what she should say to brother if he asks how I am! Bit of a weird question so I asked her would he just be 'asking how I am' or would he be 'asking about my fertility' and that all she needed to say was I was ok. I hate to think that they might all be discussing me in great depth but sometimes these kinds of comments make me realise that they are, and a lot more than I am comfortable with.

Mum also offered to help financially if we do have to have IUI or IVF. So that's very sweet.

4.08pm

I feel depressed now. A woman has just come in to the office and told us she was pregnant. That isn't what has upset me. Basically she has suffered from bad endometriosis for years which has put her into hospital several times and she's has a couple of operations too. She explained to us all baout the drug Clomid and then how it got her pregnant first time round. It's not this which has upset me - well apart from the fact that I have to sit here and pretend that I have not heard of clomid before and so I am really interested to learn about it - no it's the fact that I knew what was coming next...

Work mate basically turned to me after pregnant lady had gone and said 'see, it gives you hope doesn't it' Well no - actually it doesn't. Not with 2 years of trying to get pregnant, 4 months of clomid and a miscarriage behind me. Hope is not what I would call it.

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