Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Can I turn a corner?

I need to. I have to do something to get myself out of this awful mess. I said to mum yesterday that I might consider going back on the pill. At least that way I get to control the situation. If I actively stop myself from having children then I can at least try to live a more normal life. Anyway - who knows what will happen this month but the signs don't look good. I feel like I am about to get my period. Just had a message from my brother about him being down for a few days, then a message from my sister asking what my plans were for meeting up with them. My plans so far are to hire a sander and get the bathroom sorted out. Perhaps if I concentrate on that all week then I won't have to worry about other stuff. I don't want to meet up, even though I am starting to think that they probably haven't decided to come down to announce a pregnancy but rather to let mum spend some time with her only grand-child.

Realised how guilty I feel for not having children. How much it must upste mum and D. What if the only grand-children she has are many many miles away for the whole of their lives and she never gets to have a close realationship with them? On the other hand there's the chance that K will do better than me at having kids if that's what she and T decide to do.

No comments: