Thursday, October 29, 2009

Time to stop

I have decided to stop blogging on myspace and just use this place from now on. Am also going to make a massive effort not to go on and on and on about the infertility issue. What't the point frankly. Though it will be an effort because I am reminded every day of other people's success. I have had enough.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Can I turn a corner?

I need to. I have to do something to get myself out of this awful mess. I said to mum yesterday that I might consider going back on the pill. At least that way I get to control the situation. If I actively stop myself from having children then I can at least try to live a more normal life. Anyway - who knows what will happen this month but the signs don't look good. I feel like I am about to get my period. Just had a message from my brother about him being down for a few days, then a message from my sister asking what my plans were for meeting up with them. My plans so far are to hire a sander and get the bathroom sorted out. Perhaps if I concentrate on that all week then I won't have to worry about other stuff. I don't want to meet up, even though I am starting to think that they probably haven't decided to come down to announce a pregnancy but rather to let mum spend some time with her only grand-child.

Realised how guilty I feel for not having children. How much it must upste mum and D. What if the only grand-children she has are many many miles away for the whole of their lives and she never gets to have a close realationship with them? On the other hand there's the chance that K will do better than me at having kids if that's what she and T decide to do.

Monday, October 26, 2009

go to sleep crying... wake up crying

It's not right is it? I am severely depressed now. All because I know my life is really quite shit. I am still pretty much as miserable as I was when I was living with only now I am miserable in a smaller house and with less money. Life sucks big time. I think I am about to get my period and I have peope sending me useless information about expensive Chinese herbalists in London in an attempt to get me pregnant. Oh  know the intention is good and they only want to help but short of giving me a few grand there's not much they can do to help. I really need to pull myself out of this funk and to do that I need to get pro-active.

Friday, October 23, 2009

just because you're paranoid...

I just had lunch with my mum and she said that she wanted to bring something up with me and hoped it wouldn't upset me. She asked if I had considered the possibility that Brother and sil might be coming down to tell us they are pregnant again. I was so relieved! I told her that I had and what my plans were and that I was glad that she was thinking along the same lines and understood totally why I might not want to be there. Sadly their visit coincides with my period being due so it would make it a particularly bad time to be told news like this. Chances are that there is no way they are pregnant and chances are that it would all be fine but I am not prepared to put myself into that position.

Mum cried. We were talking about the scan I had when I was told the pregnancy wasn't viable. I sometimes forget that the whole thing was so hard for her and that she obviously finds it really hard to see me so upset over all this. In a way I suppose she lost a grandchild as much as I lost the opportunity to have a child.

She asked me what she should say to brother if he asks how I am! Bit of a weird question so I asked her would he just be 'asking how I am' or would he be 'asking about my fertility' and that all she needed to say was I was ok. I hate to think that they might all be discussing me in great depth but sometimes these kinds of comments make me realise that they are, and a lot more than I am comfortable with.

Mum also offered to help financially if we do have to have IUI or IVF. So that's very sweet.

4.08pm

I feel depressed now. A woman has just come in to the office and told us she was pregnant. That isn't what has upset me. Basically she has suffered from bad endometriosis for years which has put her into hospital several times and she's has a couple of operations too. She explained to us all baout the drug Clomid and then how it got her pregnant first time round. It's not this which has upset me - well apart from the fact that I have to sit here and pretend that I have not heard of clomid before and so I am really interested to learn about it - no it's the fact that I knew what was coming next...

Work mate basically turned to me after pregnant lady had gone and said 'see, it gives you hope doesn't it' Well no - actually it doesn't. Not with 2 years of trying to get pregnant, 4 months of clomid and a miscarriage behind me. Hope is not what I would call it.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Am I being silly?

I told D that if my brother and sil come down then I don't want to go over for a meal with everyone at mum's house. Why? Well I am just super paranoid that I'm going to end up in another situation where I have been summoned to hear the good news about a second pregnancy. It would of course be great news for them but after the last time I really don't want to be stuck in mum's house surrounded by family and having to sneak out of the house for a cry. I just strongly suspect that this will happen at some point and it's really quite shit to be told something like that and then have it dawn on you that you are the last to know. Oh I am probably being ridiculous but tell me in an email or something, don't make a big song and dance of it, just keep it low key.

Oh I don't know, I suppose people have to walk on egg-shells all the time when it's anything to do with me but I kind of feel like I am being treated like I am stupid.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

'how are you?' 'I'm not ok actually but thanks for asking'

I am feeling really really shit. I feel like the only way I will ever be able to forget about having children or not having children would be if I were to die. I actually think being dead would be preferable to how I feel now and so I recon things must be pretty bad, eh?

I am sure this will pass but I truly truly believe I have no one to talk to and any one I do talk to just doesn't understand anyway. With their lovely perfect lives and their retarded attempts to make me feel better.

sod's law

Got my period this morning. Typical bad timing.

I feel full of dispair and I feel like time is marching by. In 6 months time I will be 40. Do I just stop then?
I have ordered a book about coping with childlessness on teh internet. I don't suppose it will help. I have a feeling that there will be another baby announcement before long. I have a feeling that if getting my period makes me burst into tears then very likely that will too.

I need a plan. I need to not be around. I need to work out what else to do with my life.

I am confused about the privacy settings on this site and am not sure who is reading my blog. It makes me nervous.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Baby news

My best friend has had her baby. A waterbirth, no drugs, a boy weighing 6lb 14 oz. He was born at 2.16pm.

I am so happy for her, I cried. I cried for her and I cried for me. I knew this was going to happen and that there was no stopping it and I am trying not to be selfish and just think about me me me but it's hard. Today I found the maternity jeans I bought just before the miscarriage earleir, stuffed into the cupboard out of sight. Weirdly yesterday I found the nappies I bought under the stairs. She says I will love him, I am sure I will. I have to go and see them, maybe tomorrow but I don't want to bombard them so who knows when it will be? Why do these things happen when I am just about to get my period? I am on day 26 of my cycle which is a day over what I used to average at and 3 days shorter than last month. I tested yesterday - stupidly - and it was negative. Ever since I had the last pregnancy I have clung on to the fact that I had a negative at day 26ish and then a positive on day 30/31 and I hope that this will be the case again. I would miss Glastonbury for this. Of course I would. I aslo know I am probably hoping against hope. I will get my period on Monday or Tuesday and then I will have to start all over again.

See... Much as I try to be happy for my riend it is hard, so hard. Also I am running out of friends to talk to.