Wednesday, September 09, 2009

miscarriage

I am feeling very bitter about the pregnancy.


I got my period yesterday and it's really heavy. I think that's a side-effect of the clomid. I have basically bled through the pad, the tampons, my pants.
I hate it so much. My period was late too so I was starting to get my hopes up.

There's another issue, one which I feel mean writing about but it is an issue and it is upsetting me.
About a month ago I read on mumsnet that Brother and SIL were planning a naming ceremony/birthday party for their daughter. I casually mentioned it to my sister and she said 'oh I know, they told me'... I was a bit shocked because no one has said anything to me about it. Anyway, I tried not to let it get to me but then about 2 weeks ago I was having lunch with mum and she said 'so what day will you be going up to the naming ceremony' or something like that. I just replied 'well, to be honest mum, I haven't been invited yet'. Was really pissed off by then as presumably everyone has been talked to about it except me. Started to worry is this because of my infertility? Are people so worried about what to say to me that they choose to say nothing at all?

Anyway - as if by magic I received an email the day after, inviting me to the naming ceremony, which I accepted gracefully. Didn't make an issue of it, didn't ask brother and SIL about it, just accepted. It pissed me off at the time but put it to one side and got on with things. Then at the begining of this week for no real reason I received an email from sil kind of apologising for being left out of the original email which was sent to parents etc and stressing that even her own brother hadn't been informed. So this, being so out of the blue, must surely be because she has realised (been told) that I had been left out, or that I was put out by being left out? Great, an apology (if that is what it is) is fine and dandy but I really don't like the thought that someone has been basically talking to them about me. Also it was not so brilliant timiing as the day after I got my period which slammed it right home to me that, yes, I am infertile and, no, I am not going to be having a baby myself. Now I really just don't want to go to the naming ceremony. Well I do, but I don't want to go if I am going to be looked upon as the poor sister in law who can't have children of her own and has to be treated delicately or ignored because it's all too much to deal with.

Am I over dramatising things? You bet I am. This is because I am in the middle of a shit week where once again I am reminded that I can't conceive.

I am just one big head fuck. I hate being given this label of being the poor one who can't have kids. How am I supposed to move on? I'm going to keep having periods until god knows when and so I will have a constant reminder every month. This was the first month my period made me burst into tears when it arrived.

K, by the way, has split up with D. God I wish I could give the back story of this. Basically she was with D for 15 years, married for 3. He is on medication for Bi-polar and she was finding it hard going, had even sat down with him to talk about how things needed to change as she was really unhappy. Anyway, that combined with a growing friendship with someone we used to know as kids resulted in her ending things with D, moving out and now she is talking of having children. She is two years older than me. I have told her 'start now' but, just like me when I ended my relationship, she wants to be (Has to be) cautious about moving too fast with the possible future father of future babies. A tiny piece of me things 'oh no - what if she manages to have a baby and I don't' which while a bitter thing to think is not completely unreasonable... I mean how the hell would I deal with that one?

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