Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Angst of a woman who miscarried

Trying to explain how I feel about other people being pregnant is just so difficult. What goes through my mind is irrational and stupid and I know it is when I am thinking it. On the other hand the latest announcement really does have more effect than just your bog standard pregnancy announcement. D's friend Sarah is pregnant with her second child. I knew this because he told me while we were queuing to get into Glastonbury. Not sure why he told me at that precise moment, so soon after the miscarriage infact when I was still bleeding from the Miscarriage but there we go. Anyway - she has officially announced it on her facebook now, as people do. Complete with the following comments:

"I had no idea for quite some time either! The shock's just beginning to wear off. To be replaced by the fear...."

and

"Stupid more like lol! Thanks for the congrats everyone. Let's just say this is a happy accident!"

Trouble is that this happy accident is due the week after my not so happy accident was due. So we basically conceived around the same time - a week apart. Me after months of planning and her just by accident. We were both at the same wedding, both pissed as farts, both pregnant and not knowing it. I lost mine, she didn't. If things had been different we would be going through the pregnancy together, perhaps even sharing the experience. Now I have the fact that she will be giving birth at the time I should have been to look forward to and it's just a reminder I don't need.

I hope that I get pregnant soon, I hope that if I do I manage to keep the baby. I hope the Clomid (Which I start taking today) works for me. I can't bear the thought of going from month to month again just hoping and wishing only to keep getting my period. On top of it all I really hate when I get like this. All this obsessing and stuff. I can't stop myself. I seriously need to find a distraction of some kind or I'll go mad.

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