Monday, August 10, 2009

Not Pregnant now

I am not pregnant anymore :(

Really I should blog here a bit more often. Basically had a missed miscarriage. We went for an early scan and they couldn't find a heartbeat so I had to take some pills to miscarry. It was that or wait or have it surgically removed. The whole procedure was awful and very very painful. Painful emotionally of course but the actual physical pain was awful. I miscarried just before Glastonbury and was still bleeding while there so it was just an awful time (Though I did enjoy Glastonbury) and I am so glad it is in the past.

I had a period last month and was feeling quite positive about getting pregnant again but have just got my period so it's back onto the Clomid for me as of tomorrow. It would have been so nice to get pregnant naturally - a honeymoon baby. Yes - I am married! We got married on 24th July and the sun shined. Was a really nice day and nothing went wrong. Lovely day, lovely speeches, lovely time had by all, wonderful food, great dress etc.

Anyway - I need to stop myself from gettng negative. I can't help but worry that last time I got pregnant (After the first course of clomid) was just a fluke and it just won't happen again. Who knows I suppose. It's back onto the TTC train for me and it really hurts. My period was 5 days late this month so no wonder I had hope. Am feeling myself get all stressy again about other people being pregnant or gettng pregnant. I am also dreading the TTC sex which is just soul destroying really. I don't want to be timing things perfectly and worrying about the right things hitting the right spots.
It's now 4 hours later and as if by magic the pressure descends. Just had D on the phone talking to me about the Clomid, when will I start taking it, when will I be ovulating? etc etc. Then to top it all 'what about next month - will you be ovulating when I am away' and hey ho all of a sudden here I am worrying about timing sex in 6 weeks time. Excuse me while I swear but for fucks sake! I was given 3 months at 50mg and got pregnant the first month. No way of knowing if it was the clomid or just a massive coincidence and even if it was the Clomid there is no way of knowing if the timing of the sex was hugely important or not. Can you see why the whole idea of starting to try for a baby again is just really freaking me out? I want to be able to have normal spontaneous sex and there's nothing less spontaneous than planning when you are going to shag six weeks before you are going to! Right now I can do with out the hassle. Day one of my period, the horrible stupid evidence that I am not pregnant yet again. I have been trying for 24 cycles and have fallen pregnant once and that was the one month I took the Clomid. Once these next 2 doses of clomid are used I am not sure what to do. Should I go back to the IVF people and get a higher dose? Do I really want to be upping and upping the stupid doses of a drug which isn't really for women like me who ovulate on their own anyway? I read that it doesn't really have any other benefit than making you ovulate and apparently I already do. Is the time drawing near for me to give up on this stupid plan then? When will I stop feeling so jealous and bitter about other people. Let's face it, they are not going to stop pushing out babies are they so I may as well just throw in the towel and somehow lobotomise myself to the fact that everyone else finds it so easy.

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