Tuesday, August 25, 2009

talking to walls

I sometimes feel like I am not worth listening to:

I also wonder if somewhere along the line I have lost the ability to read people properly. Either that or I am just very good at it and everyone is weird around me. We went to see U2 at the weekend and went with D's friends E and S. I like E she's probably more my kind of person than some other more shiny people. Still I felt like she just didn't click with me.
Anyway - I really enjoyed the gig but sometimes I feel like such an outsider. I can't work other people out. There was an incident where I was pushed by someone and knocked over 4 pints of beer which E and S had put on the floor. I was really apologetic but it wasn't really my fault and at the same time I felt really blamed.

Ho hum.

Today I have finally tackled D about the finances, working out that he only pays £24 in 'rent' to me a week. It's all sorted now thankfully, and with a minimum of fuss so I feel a lot better about the whole business. We got to this stage through bills going up and not ajusting the amounts he was paying. Hopefully I can now start to sort out my finances.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Ikea is full of little babies

Ikea is full of little babies ......


Went to Ikea after work with my pregnant friend R. A brilliant choice. Sigh. I am on day two of taking the Clomid and so wonder if this is why I am so pissed off with everything? It's so hard to remain positive and up for two hours while sharing space with a very pregnant friend.

Tim Minchin.............. is playing Cardiff

 and We are going to see him! Hooray.
Should be fun, hopefully he'll do the good stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UB_htqDCP-s

“Storm”
Inner North London, top floor flatAll white walls, white carpet, white cat,Rice Paper partitionsModern art and ambitionThe host’s a physician,Lovely bloke, has his own practiceHis girlfriend’s an actressAn old mate from homeAnd they’re always great fun.So to dinner we’ve come.
The 5th guest is an unknown,The hosts have just thrownUs together for a favourbecause this girl’s just arrived from AustraliaAnd has moved to North LondonAnd she’s the sister of someoneOr has some connection.
As we make introductionsI’m struck by her beautyShe’s irrefutably fairWith dark eyes and dark hairBut as she sitsI admit I’m a little bit warybecause I notice the tip of the wing of a fairyTattooed on that popular areaJust above the derrièreAnd when she says “I’m Sagittarien”I confess a pigeonhole starts to formAnd is immediately filled with pigeonWhen she says her name is Storm.
Chatter is initially bright and light heartedBut it’s not long before Storm gets started:“You can’t know anything,Knowledge is merely opinion”She opines, over her Cabernet SauvignonVis a visSome unhippilyEmpirical comment by me
“Not a good start” I thinkWe’re only on pre-dinner drinksAnd across the room, my wifeWidens her eyesSilently begs me, Be NiceA matrimonial warningNot worth ignoringSo I resist the urge to ask StormWhether knowledge is so loose-weaveOf a morningWhen deciding whether to leaveHer apartment by the front doorOr a window on the second floor.
The food is delicious and Storm,Whilst avoiding all meatHappily sits and eatsWhile the good doctor, slightly pissedlyHolds court on some anachronistic aspect of medical historyWhen Storm suddenly she insists“But the human body is a mystery!Science just falls in a holeWhen it tries to explain the the nature of the soul.”
My hostess throws me a glanceShe, like my wife, knows there’s a chanceThat I’ll be off on one of my rantsBut my lips are sealed.I just want to enjoy my mealAnd although Storm is starting to get my goatI have no intention of rocking the boat,Although it’s becoming a bit of a wrestleBecause - like her meteorological namesake -Storm has no such concerns for our vessel:
“Pharmaceutical companies are the enemyThey promote drug dependencyAt the cost of the natural remediesThat are all our bodies needThey are immoral and driven by greed.Why take drugsWhen herbs can solve it?Why use chemicalsWhen homeopathic solventsCan resolve it?It’s time we all return-to-liveWith natural medical alternatives.”
And try as hard as I like,A small crack appearsIn my diplomacy-dike.“By definition”, I begin“Alternative Medicine”, I continue“Has either not been proved to work,Or been proved not to work.You know what they call “alternative medicine”That’s been proved to work?Medicine.”
“So you don’t believeIn ANY Natural remedies?”
“On the contrary actually:Before we came to tea,I took a natural remedyDerived from the bark of a willow treeA painkiller that’s virtually side-effect freeIt’s got a weird name,Darling, what was it again?Masprin?Basprin?Asprin!Which I paid about a buck forDown at my local drugstore.
The debate briefly abatesAs our hosts collects platesbut as they return with dessertsStorm pertly asserts,
“Shakespeare said it first:There are more things in heaven and earthThan exist in your philosophy…Science is just how we’re trained to look at reality,It can’t explain love or spirituality.How does science explain psychics?Auras; the afterlife; the power of prayer?”
I’m becoming awareThat I’m staring,I’m like a rabbit suddenly trappedIn the blinding headlights of vacuous crap.Maybe it’s the Hamlet she just misquothedOr the eighth glass of wine I just quaffedBut my diplomacy dike groansAnd the arsehole held back by its stonesCan be held back no more:
“Look , Storm, I don’t mean to bore youBut there’s no such thing as an aura!Reading Auras is like reading mindsOr star-signs or tea-leaves or meridian linesThese people aren’t plying a skill,They are either lying or mentally ill.Same goes for those who claim to hear God’s demandsAnd Spiritual healers who think they have magic hands.
By the way,Why is it OKFor people to pretend they can talk to the dead?Is it not totally fucked in the headLying to some crying woman whose child has diedAnd telling her you’re in touch with the other side?That’s just fundamentally sickDo we need to clarify that there’s no such thing as a psychic?What, are we fucking 2?Do we actually think that Horton Heard a Who?Do we still think that Santa brings us gifts?That Michael Jackson hasn’t had facelifts?Are we still so stunned by circus tricksThat we think that the dead wouldWanna talk to pricksLike John Edwards?
Storm to her credit despite my derisionKeeps firing off clichés with startling precisionLike a sniper using bollocks for ammunition
“You’re so sure of your positionBut you’re just closed-mindedI think you’ll findYour faith in Science and TestsIs just as blindAs the faith of any fundamentalist”
“Hm that’s a good point, let me think for a bitOh wait, my mistake, it’s absolute bullshit.Science adjusts it’s beliefs based on what’s observedFaith is the denial of observation so that Belief can be preserved.If you show meThat, say, homeopathy works,Then I will change my mindI’ll spin on a fucking dimeI’ll be embarrassed as hell,But I will run through the streets yellingIt’s a miracle! Take physics and bin it!Water has memory!And while it’s memory of a long lost drop of onion juice is InfiniteIt somehow forgets all the poo it’s had in it!
You show me that it works and how it worksAnd when I’ve recovered from the shockI will take a compass and carve Fancy That on the side of my cock.”
Everyones just staring at me now,But I’m pretty pissed and I’ve dug this far down,So I figure, in for penny, in for a pound:
“Life is full of mysteries, yeahBut there are answers out thereAnd they won’t be foundBy people sitting aroundLooking seriousAnd saying isn’t life mysterious?Let’s sit here and hopeLet’s call up the fucking PopeLet’s go watch OprahInterview Deepak Chopra
If you’re going to watch tele, you should watch Scooby Doo.That show was so coolbecause every time there’s a church with a ghoulOr a ghost in a schoolThey looked beneath the mask and what was inside?The fucking janitor or the dude who runs the waterslide.Throughout historyEvery mysteryEVER solved has turned out to beNot Magic.
Does the idea that there might be truthFrighten you?Does the idea that one afternoonOn Wiki-fucking-pedia might enlighten youFrighten you?Does the notion that there may not be a supernaturalSo blow your hippy noodleThat you would rather just stand in the fogOf your inability to Google?
Isn’t this enough?Just this world?Just this beautiful, complexWonderfully unfathomable world?How does it so fail to hold our attentionThat we have to diminish it with the inventionOf cheap, man-made Myths and Monsters?If you’re so into ShakespeareLend me your ear:“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,To throw perfume on the violet… is just fucking silly”Or something like that.Or what about Satchmo?!I see trees of Green,Red roses too,And fine, if you wish toGlorify Krishna and VishnuIn a post-colonial, condescendingBottled-up and labeled kind of wayThat’s ok.But here’s what gives me a hard-on:I am a tiny, insignificant, ignorant lump of carbon.I have one life, and it is shortAnd unimportant…But thanks to recent scientific advancesI get to live twice as long as my great great great great uncles and auntses.Twice as long to live this life of mineTwice as long to love this wife of mineTwice as many years of friends and wineOf sharing curries and getting shittyWith good-looking hippiesWith fairies on their spinesAnd butterflies on their titties.
And if perchance I have offendedThink but this and all is mended:We’d as well be 10 minutes back in time,For all the chance you’ll change your mind

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Angst of a woman who miscarried

Trying to explain how I feel about other people being pregnant is just so difficult. What goes through my mind is irrational and stupid and I know it is when I am thinking it. On the other hand the latest announcement really does have more effect than just your bog standard pregnancy announcement. D's friend Sarah is pregnant with her second child. I knew this because he told me while we were queuing to get into Glastonbury. Not sure why he told me at that precise moment, so soon after the miscarriage infact when I was still bleeding from the Miscarriage but there we go. Anyway - she has officially announced it on her facebook now, as people do. Complete with the following comments:

"I had no idea for quite some time either! The shock's just beginning to wear off. To be replaced by the fear...."

and

"Stupid more like lol! Thanks for the congrats everyone. Let's just say this is a happy accident!"

Trouble is that this happy accident is due the week after my not so happy accident was due. So we basically conceived around the same time - a week apart. Me after months of planning and her just by accident. We were both at the same wedding, both pissed as farts, both pregnant and not knowing it. I lost mine, she didn't. If things had been different we would be going through the pregnancy together, perhaps even sharing the experience. Now I have the fact that she will be giving birth at the time I should have been to look forward to and it's just a reminder I don't need.

I hope that I get pregnant soon, I hope that if I do I manage to keep the baby. I hope the Clomid (Which I start taking today) works for me. I can't bear the thought of going from month to month again just hoping and wishing only to keep getting my period. On top of it all I really hate when I get like this. All this obsessing and stuff. I can't stop myself. I seriously need to find a distraction of some kind or I'll go mad.

Monday, August 10, 2009

song

A song I like

I like

Rape

Someone linked to this

on a forum I use, I thought it was interesting so I am posting it here.

this

Not Pregnant now



I am not pregnant anymore :(





Really I should blog here a bit more often. Basically had a missed miscarriage. We went for an early scan and they couldn't find a heartbeat so I had to take some pills to miscarry. It was that or wait or have it surgically removed. The whole procedure was awful and very very painful. Painful emotionally of course but the actual physical pain was awful. I miscarried just before Glastonbury and was still bleeding while there so it was just an awful time (Though I did enjoy Glastonbury) and I am so glad it is in the past.





I had a period last month and was feeling quite positive about getting pregnant again but have just got my period so it's back onto the Clomid for me as of tomorrow. It would have been so nice to get pregnant naturally - a honeymoon baby. Yes - I am married! We got married on 24th July and the sun shined. Was a really nice day and nothing went wrong. Lovely day, lovely speeches, lovely time had by all, wonderful food, great dress etc.





Anyway - I need to stop myself from gettng negative. I can't help but worry that last time I got pregnant (After the first course of clomid) was just a fluke and it just won't happen again. Who knows I suppose. It's back onto the TTC train for me and it really hurts. My period was 5 days late this month so no wonder I had hope. Am feeling myself get all stressy again about other people being pregnant or gettng pregnant. I am also dreading the TTC sex which is just soul destroying really. I don't want to be timing things perfectly and worrying about the right things hitting the right spots.
It's now 4 hours later and as if by magic the pressure descends. Just had D on the phone talking to me about the Clomid, when will I start taking it, when will I be ovulating? etc etc. Then to top it all 'what about next month - will you be ovulating when I am away' and hey ho all of a sudden here I am worrying about timing sex in 6 weeks time. Excuse me while I swear but for fucks sake! I was given 3 months at 50mg and got pregnant the first month. No way of knowing if it was the clomid or just a massive coincidence and even if it was the Clomid there is no way of knowing if the timing of the sex was hugely important or not. Can you see why the whole idea of starting to try for a baby again is just really freaking me out? I want to be able to have normal spontaneous sex and there's nothing less spontaneous than planning when you are going to shag six weeks before you are going to! Right now I can do with out the hassle. Day one of my period, the horrible stupid evidence that I am not pregnant yet again. I have been trying for 24 cycles and have fallen pregnant once and that was the one month I took the Clomid. Once these next 2 doses of clomid are used I am not sure what to do. Should I go back to the IVF people and get a higher dose? Do I really want to be upping and upping the stupid doses of a drug which isn't really for women like me who ovulate on their own anyway? I read that it doesn't really have any other benefit than making you ovulate and apparently I already do. Is the time drawing near for me to give up on this stupid plan then? When will I stop feeling so jealous and bitter about other people. Let's face it, they are not going to stop pushing out babies are they so I may as well just throw in the towel and somehow lobotomise myself to the fact that everyone else finds it so easy.