Thursday, March 12, 2009


So - I think I might give this Blog a go. It is essentially private.

I had an HSG yesterday which was a procedure to see if my tubes are blocked and if that might be the reason why I have not got pregnant yet. It only took a few minutes and the initial findings are that my tubes are not blocked. So it is back to IVF Wales I go! I was referred and had my first appointment a couple of months ago after trying to get pregnant since October 2007. I think the next step will probably be a drug called Clomifene which will supposedly make me release eggs. Not that I don't ovulate, I do, but seeing as my 'infertility' is so far un-explained it seems that they will prescribe the Clomid to give me a helping hand. Am not sure that I want to have it because there are side effects but we'll see. Part of me wishes they had found something because at least then I might have an explanation. I guess I just need to wait to see what they say when I go back at the end of the month.

All this has been so hard, and more so because I feel so gutted about the fact that J got there first and without effort. I have a neice now. I have to live with the knowledge that I am struggling to conceive and even worse that I might never manage to get pregnant, which is so difficult. I am pretty sure he and J will pop another one out in the next year or so and that is going to be even harder to deal with. I hate having to deal with the emotions I have over this whole thing, I hate also the way other people are towards me.

Among all this anguish I am trying to arrange a wedding. The date is set for 24th July this year and I am no way as excited about it as I am led to believe normal brides are. I am just not that into it. I am really starting to dread the being looked at, the being judged. I feel like I won't be nearly as loved-up as I am supposed to be. No gushing speeches from me, no declarations of undying love. Really I am much more likely to think 'well, this is good, it could last, let's not hold our breath but I'm sure it'll be good for a while' Which isn't what people want to hear. They want to hear 'I have found my soulmate and I hope to travel on a journey of love and discovery with my mate by my side' kind of tripe! Ho de hum.

D was asking me about how pregnant I would be at the wedding if I got pregnant now, so I think he has high hopes that we will get pregnant soon. Again I am more realistic. We have been trying for 15 or 16 months and not been successful so why would we be successful now? They say that having the HSG can mean that some people seem to be more fertile just after but I am not holding out hope. We'll see.

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